Children Living at Home as Adults

Tags

Divorce, Fatherhood, Parenting

In the case of my ex-wife and I, having two adults in our home happened somewhat abruptly. My son had left for his two year LDS mission almost immediately upon turning 18. He then returned just as our daughter was turning 18 herself. Suddenly we had two 18+ year old young adults in our homes almost overnight.

I’m sure we aren’t the only parents unsure of how to handle this unique life milestone.  It was clear that our expectations did not match those of our children. But, how do you most effectively pivot and start treating your own children as adults while still  providing and caring for them under your roof?

We put our thoughts on paper and later arranged to review these expectations with our two adult kids as a united team over lunch. Only one other time in the 11 years since we divorced have my ex-wife and I actually sat together during a meal, but we took them out to eat and presented a united front with our list. That meeting alone was a pretty remarkable feat in our post marriage history.

Our lunch went well, and tonight as I was sharing this story with some friends they asked if I would share the list of expectations that we developed. Here it is:

 

Living at Home as Adults

We want you around!  It’s exciting having adult children and we want to point out things that may seem insignificant but that make a big difference when living with others. They’ll help you in marriage and family life too.

Here are some specific ways you can prepare for being successful independent adults and help us all to avoid misunderstandings while still living under the safety net of your parents’ homes.

• You are old enough to stay at either house but we will assume you are following the younger kids’ schedule unless told otherwise. You can change your regular schedule but let us know. Even though you are adults, we want you to have some sort of accountability to us so that someone always knows where you are in case of an emergency. We’re asking for communication, not saying you have to ask permission.

• If you are going to be out after midnight, let us know where you are and when/if you will be home that night. Let us know if you are going to be home for dinner or not.

• As adults in the house, we expect you to treat your siblings with kindness and respect, and help out around the house without being asked.  Do chores each week by your own doing, not being told and not getting paid to do it.

• You should have a full-time job and/or be in school.

• What we will pay for:

  • Housing, food, household items, toiletries, and other items we choose to help out with.

  • As much schooling as possible at the time. (Mom & Dad will split what each can) You should plan to contribute what you can.

  • Car insurance until 22, graduation, or marriage. (Mom & Dad will split)

  • Half of car repairs until 22, graduation or marriage. (Mom & Dad will split)

• You will be responsible for the following:

  • Gas

  • Clothing

  • Entertainment

  • Personal care items

  • Any other luxury or necessity items you desire

  • Paying back debts to us consistently without missing a payment and before your own luxuries or entertainment. (We should not be the source of side jobs if you are short paying us. If your job isn’t able to cover the gaps perhaps you need a different job.)

  • Starting some sort of savings no matter how small for emergencies (This is a form of paying yourself)

  • Paying for your own fines and tickets and other emergencies

• Show respect of being an adult living with other adults and siblings

  • Clean up after yourself – Kitchen, bathroom

  • Clean up after your friends. You and friends are welcome to eat our food and spend time in our home but things should be cleaner when you’re done. If you dirty some dishes, put those AND the ones in the sink into the dishwasher and start it.

  • Turn out lights, lock doors if you’re the last one in at night.

  • Clean up even messes that others make when you notice them.

  • Talk not SHOUT no matter how upset you may be in the moment.

  • Buy some earplugs if your schedule differs from the rest of the house.

If these things are not being done, what should the consequences be?

Once you have reached 22 years of age, you should be self sufficient and should have a plan to launch if you haven’t already.  If still in school, we will evaluate and come up with a plan. At that time you should plan on paying for your own: Car insurance, phone service, rent, food, emergencies and car payments and repairs.

Love,

Mom and Dad

 

 

In full disclosure, we haven’t really come up with a substantial consequence if they don’t live up to these expectations. Short of kicking them out, there isn’t much leverage to enforce anything. Maneuvers such as withholding cars or phone service become burdens for us, the parents. For them to live up to our expectations of jobs and schooling, they need the cars and phones. They both seem to have the natural desire for more independence and freedom, so I expect that we’re never going to get to that point anyway.

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Winner, Winner!

Tags

Fatherhood, Parenting, Reality

Thank you to my readers who nominated me and then voted for me in the 2017 Brodie Awards. My blog post “Taking Back My Power” won for Best Discussion on Parenting.

This is my second win. Back in 2015 my post “Speaking To The Kids About This Mormon Gay Thing” also won in the category of  Best Mormon Parenting Piece.

Very cool. Thanks again.

I’m especially honored because I really haven’t written much this past year. I’m still around. As this blog’s name implies, my writing has been an amazingly effective way to release angst and frustration, but the less angst I feel over time the less impulse I have had to write.

As the saying goes, it has gotten better!

I don’t delude myself into thinking anyone’s out there regularly pondering “What happened to Dads Primal Scream?” But for anyone reading this who is now where I was 12 years ago it might be helpful to hear how some things have changed.

First, referring back to my “Taking Back My Power” blog post mentioned above, the party mentioned was extremely successful. I had about 30 – 40 friends stop by to help me welcome my son home from his mission. I was a little disappointed that none of his  Mormon friends or family came but my kids were all there. They were gracious and kind to all my gay and ex-Mormon friends. I was so proud of them. My son greeted everyone with a hug and socialized cheerfully. I highly recommend this sort of celebration to fellow outcasts. Make your own party rather than fretting over the treatment you’ll get at the tradition events.

I could never have imagined this 12 years ago.

Secondly, I have two adult kids now living at home ages 18 and 20. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to treat them and what my expectations should be. The big news out of all of this is that my ex-wife and I talked (well, it was more like e-mailed and texted) and put together some rules and expectations for our adult children living at home, most of which we agreed upon together. Then, we took the two kids to lunch and gave them copies of the document and got their feedback. In 12 years of divorce, this is only the second time my ex-wife and I have sat down together and presented a united front to our kids. It’s pretty monumental. The first time was 10 years ago after she won the move-away court battle and much less congenial.

I continue to have my minor children 50% of the time and the older ones stay when and where they want. One ends up with me most of the time, and the other one tends to sleep more at his Mom’s. We’re only a mile apart so they still spend time at each house.

I joke that my weekends with my kids are spent being “Uber-Daddy,” driving them to and from events, friends’ homes, etc. The older ones haven’t really materialized into reliable resources to help with that like I fantasized that they would. They have their own jobs, activities and busy lives.

All my kids show love and respect towards me. Two of them tend to lean more towards Mormonism and the other two don’t. They see it as a boring interruption to their lives and have expressed doubt to me. If I’m being honest it doesn’t even matter as much to me anymore which way they lean. Even the ones who are active in church bring their friends around my home. Their friends all know I’m gay and not LDS and it doesn’t seem to matter. Weekend friend gatherings and sleepovers still happen at my home.

Personally I’ve been doing really well at work. Financially I’m in a good place and not living in a constant state of desperation and anxiety like I used to. My income has increased and child support has decreased with each kid turning 18.

I’ve been dating more. I’m finally able to have guys over with my kids also around and to arrange dates on my kid weekends so that has helped. No one I’m dating is a keeper yet, but I’m not really stressed out about it like many guys I know. I suffer from a rare condition of not really minding being alone. Of course I’d love to find someone I’m compatible with, who lights my fire and with whom I can share an amazing future with, but it hasn’t happened yet.

My  happiness, contentment and peace isn’t dependent on that elusive guy.

I had a life-changing experience recently, an experience which merits its own blog post. Coming soon! I continue to hold a deep sense of gratitude, insight and personal power from this experience so I can’t wait to write about it and get reactions.

Not only does it get better but the growth that comes from those extremely challenging, tense and troubled times of failed relationships, divorce, coming out, professional failures, leaving the faith of my fathers and feeling so very alone and emasculated in this life has nourished a garden of wonderful relationships, strength and peace.

Until next time.

Taking Back My Power

Tags

Exiting Mormonism, Fatherhood, gay father, Homosexuality, LDS Mission, Mormonism

Edit Note: This post won a 2017 Brodie Award for Best Discussion on Parenting!

Thank you to all who voted.

It has been 2 years since my son left for his Mormon mission to South America. His farewell was one of the worst moments of my life.

Nothing about his decision diminished my love for him, but his leaving and the events surrounding it left me feeling discarded and misunderstood. At his farewell in particular, I sat on the church pews listening to him pontificate on his assigned speaking topic, something about having a righteous family. Of course, that led to mentions of Jesus being the only way and how important it was that his mom had taught him about all things Jesus and Mormon.

I was just an invisible unnecessary placeholder in his eternal quest for the self-congratulatory eternal family. I was ignored completely in that sermon on family.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot, but I swallowed it and moved forward maintaining a loving stance.

I’ve e-mailed him each week religiously. He tells me that his companions and other missionary friends rarely get letters from their fathers. I find it fascinating how those more Mormon, but rather self-absorbed and negligent fathers are institutionally seen as better than me.

They wear the right underwear.

My e-mails have usually been full of the latest details about our family, me and his sisters. I always tried to include a healthy amount of humor. I’d send jokes or the latest memes because I know how somber and dreadfully serious everything can be on a mission.

But now that he’s coming back I’ve been dreading the same sort of snubbing at homecoming events that I experienced when he left.

So, I’ve decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to take my power back. I’ll be hosting my own welcome back party for him. I’ll be inviting my gay and ex-Mormon friends and he can invite whomever he wants. The focus will be on our joy to have him back. That’s it. I’ve run it by him and he has agreed!! I’m very excited.

I don’t want to just place my address out there on the web, but if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area on August 26 please message me and I’ll link you to the invitation. You are invited. This is the invitation without those details. What do you think?

Misfits and Mormons: Mission Homecoming Open House

When: August 26, 2017  6:00 – 9:00 PM

My Son is coming home from his mission to Chile! Please come celebrate my son’s mission return at an open house style party at my home.

I realize this is a rather odd invitation since none of you know my son and only a few of you even know me. Read and consider coming anyway.

In the 2 years that have passed I’ve met so many fellow gay Mormons and apostate Ex-Mormons that you are like family to me. So, instead of feeling left out and ignored at the typical homecoming events, I’ve decided to create my own event to celebrate my happiness to have my son back. He has agreed to participate and he will invite whomever he wants.

My son and I have a great relationship with mutual love and respect.

Join us if you can support that and help me create a safe, welcoming demilitarized zone between his believing Mormon friends and those of us who have stepped beyond it.

This event is rated PG

• Casual
• No Preaching
• No criticizing or judging
• LGBT friendly
• Mormon friendly
• Apostate friendly
• No alcohol (But there’s a really cool beer and wine bar nearby that you can stop by afterwards or on your way!)

No hard end time but I’ve made it early enough that you can still go out and enjoy your Saturday night, or stick around and talk!

Come if you fit into any of these categories and bring someone who fits another one: Mormon, Ex-Mormon, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Queer, RM, Chilean, unicorn.

We will feast upon sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.

So You Are Getting A Divorce…26 Suggestions

Tags

Child Custody, Divorce, Fatherhood, gay father

“There’s no manual for parenthood,” new mothers and fathers are constantly reminded.

Well, there’s much less information on divorced parenthood, much less for divorced gay parenthood. I certainly didn’t know what to expect or how to proceed eight years ago.

I just knew I loved my kids and that I wasn’t scared of taking care of them alone.

Of course, I knew there were numerous guys like me out there, but I didn’t know a single one in person. There are online groups for every subset of any culture and I connected with as many as I could: gay fathers, gay Mormons, ex-Mormons and Utah gay fathers but each one seemed not to quite meet something unique about my situation. I didn’t live in Utah, or the gay fathers were the kind that adopted as a gay couple – they didn’t have to share custody with an ex-wife, etc.

Taking one giant leap into the abyss…I did my best. Here are some things I learned. Some are trivial and some are more profound. I’m sure they will not fit your situation exactly either but you can modify accordingly. At the time of my divorce I had four kids ages 1, 3, 6 and 8 so my comments are geared to those with younger children:

1. Get a lawyer! I didn’t. We used a church acquaintance who was a paralegal and she was going to save us money because we had mostly agreed on everything already. She just wrote up the papers that we both signed. It was all fine for about a year, until my ex wanted to move out of state with the kids. Then, I got screwed and it all comes back to that initial divorce, custody and child support agreement. I don’t care how friendly things are now, get a lawyer to help preserve your rights as a father at this initial step.
2. Fight for 50/50 legal and 50/50 physical custody. If you settle for anything less right now it will be very unlikely that you can get it back. A vagina gets the default advantage in even the most progressive courthouses. Don’t enable that by crippling yourself.
   

   This is what it feels like to walk into a courthouse in any family law situation.

   This small matter is the one mistake I made that later allowed her to fairly easily leave the state with my kids. I initially settled for a 70/30 physical arrangement because it made the most sense. I had a full-time job. She didn’t. I was earning all the money and, in spite of the high child support payments, she was cheaper than daycare. What I didn’t understand was that this gave her the almost exclusive right to coordinate their physical location. Laws vary by state, but this was in liberal California so I imagine it’s worse elsewhere.

3. Put it in writing. Write into the divorce or child custody agreement that neither parent can move more than 50 miles from the other. The same thing goes for anything else that’s important to you. Put it in writing.
4. Keep it away from the kids. Don’t let them see you arranging all of the divorce details with your ex. Don’t discuss it with them especially if they are young.
5. Get all your things on the first try. When you move out, take ALL of your stuff even if it doesn’t seem important to you now. I’ve gone back to my ex-wife’s home and seen items of mine that I didn’t take initially and it was just weird that she was using them. At that point we were getting along and so I couldn’t just take stuff without talking about it and they weren’t important enough things to argue over at that point… so I just let it go. For example, almost all the church books on her religious sanctuary of a bookshelf were MY books that I read. She rarely reads and I doubt that she’s read them. Strangely enough I wish I’d taken stuff like that and my temple clothes and other miscellaneous things I didn’t think I cared about. You’ll calm down many years later and want your stuff even if it’s to just throw it out yourself.
6. Be the bigger person. I unintentionally left with items I knew she’d probably want so I willingly returned her stuff – such as pictures with her family or friends in them. I never got the same courtesy, but it helps to know I’m not being petty. I also gave up having to have the last word and so I didn’t always respond to her irrational lashings.
7. Never say no to a chance to be with your kids more. Oddly enough, from her perspective custody time with me is seen as her doing me a favor and yet she somehow believes that when she has the kids she’s still doing me a favor. She has asked me to take the kids at times when I knew she either just wanted a break or she wanted to travel or had some church thing to attend to. Of course it’s always presented as a favor to me. Early on I set aside caring. If it offered me more time with my kids I said yes, inconvenient or not.
8. Don’t badmouth the other parent to the kids.This is really hard not to do sometimes because it’s natural to want to argue your case. Just don’t. And don’t let them overhear you doing it either. As horrible and nasty as your ex seems right now, she’s still that child’s mother and an insult to her feels like an insult to the child.
9. Don’t put the kids in the middle. At one point my ex tried to use the kids to relay information and gather information. I didn’t allow it. As much as you don’t want to talk to the ex, it’s worse if you use the kids as telegraphs. Now that texting is so prevalent, it’s a great alternative to having to call or meet while still being communicative. Don’t allow your ex to set things up as her and the kids against you. It’s her and the kids and it’s you and the kids too.
10. Take new family pictures with just you and the kids and display them around your home. Once a year we take one of those old-time western photos where you dress up and get an 8  x 10 in sepia tones. It’s a small gesture but one that has helped all of us establish ourselves as a family unit. And they are fun to look back on as shared memories. Also, let them see that you have pictures of them on your desk, in your phone so that they know you are thinking about them when they’re not there.
11. Give the kids personal space at your new home/apartment. Even the youngest of mine staked out her personal space in each of my new living spaces and I’ve tried to arrange as much of it as I could for them. Even if it’s just their own night stand, a bed or wall that they can decorate to their taste, it will feel much more like home if they’ve had a hand in decorating it.
12. Allow the kids to benefit from the pluses of divorce if you can find them in your situation. I don’t mean that you should indulge them freely because you feel guilty, but there are obviously costs to divorce that they bear the brunt of more often than not. Allow them to have some bonuses in there too. For example, because my ex isn’t the kind that would ever share holidays, my kids get 2 sets of birthday gifts and cakes, and they enjoy 2 sets of holiday traditions. The kids learned early on that I didn’t know the last time they ate at McDonalds. I bought my kids cell phones earlier than their peers got one because I wanted to be within their reach at all times on a daily basis.
13. Be consistent when you can. In spite of what I said in #11, there are times when kids need and appreciate consistency. Try to honor bed-times and general house rules. Don’t forego being a Dad for the position of fun uncle. At least not all the time. If rules in your home are dramatically different it can just be frustrating. Now, that being said, I don’t allow my ex to dictate everything that happens in my home either. You must set boundaries but you can talk about how at Dad’s house we follow Dad’s rules and at Mom’s house we follow Mom’s rules.
14. Stay close to the kids. If it is in your control, don’t move too far away from the kids. If you can’t see them daily, call or Skype every day … Most of these calls are stilted and awkward especially with the younger ones but it’s the regularity that you want to establish whether it’s to say goodnight every night or a quick call when they get home from school.
15. Have fun! Once my ex moved out of state and I only had the kids on weekends it erased any hesitation I had about being the fun one. Yes, she had to monitor the homework and daily discipline but that was her doing by virtue of her move. Take advantage of the hand you are dealt.
16. Do nothing sometimes.  Don’t feel like you always have to be the entertainer. Let them just be in your shared space sometimes. Just hang.
17. Let them come out at their own pace. Once you come out to the kids, understand that they too will have their own coming out to their friends and family. Let them do it when/how they are comfortable. As my children have grown, I’ve seen how my laid-back approach to this has helped. I never forced conversations about my being gay, but I never shied away from them either. My teenagers now discuss it freely with their friends and it’s just a matter of everyday life. I was a little worried about this because for the most part I haven’t had boyfriends that they were exposed to. Nothing about my life screams “GAY!” Very little of our time together has been about me being gay… and yet they’re comfortable with it.
18. Be prepared. Make sure you have the following stored in your car: bottled water, baby wipes, baby powder, spare jackets, hats for everyone, and a blanket. Every single one of these items have saved me numerous times. You will have a crying child asking for water at some point. If you’ve ever had to take a toddler daughter into a public restroom by yourself you’ll understand the baby wipes. There are a gazillion more times you’ll thank me for suggesting them. Baby powder miraculously assists you in wiping off sand and dirt from kids’ feet before they get in the car. A blanket has provided us a place to sit in many a last-minute picnic situation…or when someone got cold.
19. Stop when they need to pee. I never understood why my ex gets upset with my kids if she’s driving and one of them have to go to the bathroom. Yes, I’ve been there when we just pulled away from home and one of them announced that he/she needed to pee. It was my fault that I didn’t ask before I piled them in the car. Go back or stop at a fast food spot if they need to pee for crying out loud!
20. Cook for them. Make sure they get good meals and eat decently when they are with you. I have an easily accessible repertoire of meals that I prepare. They’re not with me long enough to tire of them even if I repeat something. A slow cooker (a crockpot) is awesome on days you have to work and then pick up the kids for dinner. Maybe I’ll add a separate blog post on meal suggestions and ideas. I’m no top chef but my kids compliment my cooking and appreciate our sit down dinners.
21. Make dining out a treat. Taking them out has been my way of exposing them to new cultures and tastes. This works especially well the younger they are. Most restaurants have a kid friendly menu and it enables them to experience foreign tastes. My kids claim they’re the only ones in their school classes who have eaten sushi. Make trying new things a family adventure.
22. Establish routines and traditions, however trivial. I make the same exact breakfast the first morning the kids are with me. We go camping in June for Father’s Day. All calls end with “I love you.”
23. Resist the urge to compete with their Mom. Appreciate the love and the fun the kids have with their Mom.  My kids honestly have a hard time remembering which parent took them to which movie, or who took them to Disneyland in which year, or who played at the beach with him. As much as you want to believe you are creating a special moment just with you and your child, all the kid really cares about is that she got to go to Disneyland.  My kids’ Mom is taking them to Mexico this summer and I needed to go wait in line with them so she could get them passports. Early on I would have scoffed at doing this and felt jealous that I wasn’t the one taking them. Now, I’m glad they’ll have the experience and I’m certain in 10 years they’ll have to think hard to remember which parent took them.
24. They cannot have too much love. Never prevent your ex-in-laws or new step-parents or anyone from having the chance to love your kids. Even if you can’t stand them and even if you believe they are dissing you to your kids. They cannot have too many adults who love them. Say yes when they want to see your kids or when there’s a special family dinner during YOUR time. It will help when you want some unscheduled time. That said, don’t hesitate to protect them from an individual causing them true harm.
25. Arrange alone time with each child.  I would say this even if you weren’t getting divorced, but kids need to feel that a parent wants to spend time with them alone away from the family group. This can be as simple as going to get an ice cream one afternoon, or as complex as a weekend trip away with just you. These days, my kids will call me and ask me for these alone times. I hope they continue throughout their lives.
26. Don’t let pride get in the way of reason.  There will be times when someone, probably your ex or her family, has treated you so unfairly and unjustly that you can’t stomach seeing them. Do it anyway. Go to kids school plays and sports games even if you are going to run into these people. Make THEM avoid YOU if they must. As the kids grow and mature they’ll notice the difference without you ever saying a word. I always try to get to these things early so that it’s them choosing not to sit near us, rather than vice versa. If I arrive late and my ex and kids are already there I go sit by my kids. In another instance I let my stubbornness and pride cost me 3 months of extra alimony. She had been trying to arrange her second wedding during MY holiday week with the kids, I was incensed and shortsightedly resisted. How could she steal MY time when she already had them 70% of the time?!!? As soon as we got off the phone arguing it dawned on me that a delay in her wedding was more money out of my pocket in alimony! That one foolish, impulsive argument cost me almost $1,000 in total alimony. Needless to say when the wedding did happen I bent over backwards to help. I even traveled to her home and spent a week in her house with the kids so that she could go on her honeymoon with husband #2.

Gay Dads HELP

Tags

Fatherhood, Gay Men

I’ve created a new blog and I need your help.

In the last couple of months I’ve come to know at least three individuals in my extended social group of formerly married gay fathers who have experienced close calls with suicide. About 6 months before this, several of us had met to discuss what we could do to help men in our situation.

There are a lot of resources in today’s world for gay teens and young adults. There are coming out stories to read and hotlines to call. That is all fantastic. But a man who has been married to a woman and who carries fatherhood responsibilities lives with an entirely unique weight of responsibility during the whole coming out process. Those of us who have been through it know how lonely, hopeless and yet exciting and freeing it can be.

Without knowing HOW we could help, the suggestion was thrown out that perhaps a website just for gay fathers would help.

So, I created one. Here it is.

But this is just the bare bones of what I hope it becomes. I need your help to provide content. One would think there are a lot of sites like this but there are not. Just google “gay dad” or “gay fathers” and you get discussions about coupled gay men deciding to become parents through adoption, surrogacy, etc. That’s wonderful of course, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.

Men who came out after becoming fathers are different. They and their kids need to know they aren’t alone. They need to know how others have navigated the terrifying waters and how to get help in a crisis. Some of us need to tell our stories. That’s what this site is all about.

If this is you I hope you’ll help me build the site by sending me:

• Your story. Anonymous stories are welcome but I also hope to include some out and proud men here. I will be writing mine and placing here.
• Your child’s story. There are a lot of fathers who lose contact or enter into troubled relationships with their kids after coming out. I hope that some of us can get our kids to share their stories of how they’ve dealt with their father coming out. It could help some other child.
• A blog entry with helpful thoughts, advice, etc.
• Any additional resources such as lawyers, therapists, books, links to blogs and such.

This site is not going to be LDS focused. It will zero in on formerly or currently married gay men who have children of any age. All religions and nationalities are welcome.

Please help me make this a valuable resource by sending content and ideas my way!

Where Will You Go?

Tags

Apostasy, Coming Out, Fatherhood, Mormonism

Mormon apostle Russell Ballard gave a talk in October 2016 General Conference entitled “To Whom Shall We Go?” where he said the following:

If any one of you is faltering in your faith, I ask you the same question that Peter asked: “To whom shall [you] go?” If you choose to become inactive or to leave the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where will you go? What will you do? The decision to “walk no more” with Church members and the Lord’s chosen leaders will have a long-term impact that cannot always be seen right now.

A new website, wherewillyougo.org, has been dedicated to former Mormons submitting their own answers explaining where they’ve gone and how that’s worked out for them. This is my submission:

——————————————————————

10 years ago as a gay, newly divorced father of four and former Mormon, where I would go and what I would do was indeed the looming question

A lifetime of seminary, sunday school, priesthood, mission, BYU and church leadership had me imagining myself at best as a drug addicted felon like Matt Foley living in a van down by the river with no friends, family, job. At worst, I’d lose my family in the eternities.

The fear is real. And some of it is well-founded. I had a difficult time financially and emotionally for several years. Divorce in and of itself can and often does do that to a man. Add coming out and leaving your lifelong religion to the mix and it’s not going to be a cakewalk. But as I tell other men in the same position I was in 10 years ago, don’t divorce thinking you’re transitioning into some dreamlike peace and happiness. Do it if divorce is a reward in and of itself.

I’d offer the same advice for awakening Mormons making a rough decision to leave or to stay. Leaving needs to be a reward in and of itself, regardless of what exciting or terrifying experiences lie ahead. For me, divorcing and leaving Mormonism have indeed been their own rewards. I have had the exciting task of developing my own moral compass and creating a life that reflects my true soul rather than sticking to what some men tell me is “safe” and acceptable.

I’ve chosen to love my fellow man and have rejected doctrine, policies, standards and beliefs that don’t show that love…and it has made all the difference in the world.

Fatherhood has been my crowning achievement in that. In all that has passed, my four kids have always come first. I believe I’m a better father today than I ever would have been working 10+ hours a week out of the home on church callings, unhappily married to their mother and repressing such a fundamental part of my soul. I’ve been fortunate over the years to spend 1 on 1 time with each of my children and I have an unconditionally loving relationship with them, even with the ones who are still gravitating towards the LDS church.

What’s new is that my entire life is patterned after my own hard-fought-for values, rather than the pre-packaged standards and rules created by others. I’m still single. I haven’t replaced Mormonism with a different belief system. I still have good days and bad days. But I’ve experienced deep passionate love, familial love and acceptance, and financial successes that shadow the failures.

Where did I go?

Towards love, authenticity, and a genuine daily life. It has made not pretending worth it.

How Can She Not Realize?

Tags

Apostasy, Belief, Fatherhood, Mormonism

Major breakthrough #2

Three years ago my oldest daughter broke the news to me that she doesn’t like to go to church because it doesn’t make any sense to her. I was thrilled. That was breakthrough #1

In the years since, she has exerted her independence and rarely goes to church even when she’s with her mom. In fact we have  a nice routine on Sundays that she’s with her mom. She says she has to work and comes to have brunch with me.

The next oldest daughter does what  she sees her brother do. He’s on a mission and i anticipate she’ll go one day too.

My youngest (12), on the other hand, is harder to read. She’s talked about going on a mission, about believing it all and so I’ve assumed that that’s her path. But something just happened that gives me hope

I’m taking youngest to see the traveling Broadway version of Sound of Music at  tomorrow evening, Sunday, but it’s not my weekend. She wanted me to come get her early so she could hang out with some of her friends who are getting together for lunch. I said I’d ask her mother if she was OK with it. Mom said no because it’s during her church time. This is how I broke the news to my youngest and her reaction!

TWO of my kids might be doubters!!!!

“How can she not realize?”

How did I not realize! I think we’re going to have a fun father-daughter date tomorrow.

Friends

Tags

Father's Day, Fatherhood, Friendship

“Friend” is an odd word.

During my teaching English as a Second Language days, my students often expressed frustration with American usage of that word.

“You use that word all the time! EVERYONE is a friend. But that means no one really is.”

“It doesn’t appear that Americans have friends. At least not in the way we use the word in my country.”

Ouch.

Of course I have friends. I have several cherished long time friends. I have friends I can not speak to for years and then reconnect with and immediately it feels as if we were never apart. I know a lot of Americans who say that very same thing.

But that example only serves to make my students’ point. The kind of friends they’re talking about are the kind that would never go years without speaking to each other. To them, a “friend” is a person that makes up an integral part of their daily life in their thoughts, emotions and activities. To them a friend is like an appendage; when you leave it behind it causes deep pain. The type of friends they are talking about are the type of friends that would play heavily into a decision to move or not. Mostly not.

I have to admit that I don’t really have those kinds of friends.

Most of my friends have been situational. By that I mean we were thrust into the same location by chance.Our close proximity caused us to reach out to serve a basic human need of belonging and likeness and so we became “friends.” But once the situation was over, we all went our separate ways and the friendship essentially ended except for nostalgic reunions on Facebook and occasional messages of “Congratulations” for a new job or “Happy Birthday.” You know, Christmas card friends.

I do have friends who have stuck their necks out for me in shockingly unselfish ways and for whom I’d give the shirt off my back. I’m so fortunate in that regard. These are the ones who you can look to in a time of need… and who you hope feel the same about you. As special as these friends are, they are not intimately involved in my day-to-day life and that’s what sets them apart from the friends my students described.

I have high school and college “friends” I cherish dearly but I can’t call any of them up right now to go have a drink with me. They don’t live nearby.  I have work “friends” I’ve collected at various jobs on my diverse resume, but we only stay in touch on Facebook. I have many international “friends” from my time in Brazil, Japan and while teaching but none of us are planning to meet anytime soon. I have gay friends, ex-Mormon friends and every combination in between but they are more close community members with some things in common.

My mission companions are like that. For 2-4 short months we were paired up and involved in some pretty intense day to day activities with a lot of emotional investment and vulnerability. Like friends, we encouraged one another, laughed a lot and cried some. Then, when a transfer came we hugged and walked away to do it again with someone else. I liked most of my companions and got along swimmingly with each one of them except for the first one. Funny that he’s the only one who has reached out to me on Facebook! The others I’ve interacted little to none with despite my attempts. Two of them were at BYU with me afterwards but showed no interest in getting together. The others are in Brazil somewhere with common names that return hundreds of results on Facebook friend searches.

Whether it be school friends, work colleagues, or travel encounters these situational friendships are a lifeline and something I cherish in my life, but once the situation ends the close friendship wanes. I don’t mean to disparage those relationships in my life at all. Some of them continue thanks to Facebook and telephones, but at a distance. My American tendency for residential mobility means that I’m only in one place long enough to start friendships. I’m rarely in one neighborhood, town, state or even country long enough to follow through with the kind of long-term friendships that my students described and for which I sometimes feel at a loss.

All my intimate relationships have been something I call friendships but even those have deteriorated into something stilted and casual once the partnership ended. The friendship portion was entirely dependent on our intimate pillar to hold it up (which is probably why they didn’t endure).

I just had a career defining event happen to me last week and I while I have lots of “friends” I could share that information with who would cheer and celebrate with me, I don’t have anyone who would come over and bust out in tears of joy with me because they know how hard I’ve worked for it, how much I needed this. THAT’S the kind of friend my students are talking about and the kind of friends I’m missing.

Today is Father’s Day and I’m alone all day. By prior arrangement, my kids are on an international trip with their mother and I likely won’t even get a call today. We celebrated early, but my point is that I don’t have a close enough friend that knows this about me … someone who would know how much it sucks and acknowledge it or try to abate the suckiness of it.

I don’t think I’m alone in this desert of friendship either. I look around and I don’t see the kind of relationships my students described. We Americans are an independent and transient bunch. Our friendships tend to fall victim to other priorities and values. My European students placed their intimate friendships higher on the value chain than we would and had the close lifelong friends to show for it. Some of them would even top family, career, independence and money with their dearest, most intimate friendships.

My only experience with that involved using something like that sort of friendship as a tool (which of course means that it probably really wasn’t that kind of relationship).

At one point in my “trying to be straight” past, I read a lot of reparative therapy and ex-gay material (I also went to some counseling along those lines). The theory was that same-sex attracted (gay) men just needed to find healthy non-sexual bonding friendships with other men and that that would help “cure” them. I tried it and the timing seemed to be perfect because a very hetero friendship was sparked between me and another single guy at church. We did everything together almost every day and even became roommates at one point. I wasn’t attracted to him at all, so the theory was working! It worked so well that I also got close to his sister and ended up marrying her. Today this friend, my former brother-in-law, won’t even speak to me or look me in the eye if family events bring us together in the same room.

Even in my most longing moments, like right now, I’m not sure I’d be able to find that, or even want that friend again. I know especially that I wouldn’t even know how to nurture that in my life. But I’m open to learning.

I’m proud and bewildered to say that I believe my son has that with his friends. He has a closeness with a small circle of friends that I believe will last a lifetime. There’s a flip side to that as well. He’ll probably make life choices that will put those friendships higher on his chain of values than I wish he would. I’m confident that that will keep him Mormon unless one of them leaves. I worry that he’ll make education and career choices based on proximity to these friendships rather than based on his own strengths and ambitions. But then, those kind of sacrifices are exactly what my students were telling me that they’ve made for their friends, the choices that make their friendships stand above what they’ve witnesses on their travels here in America.

Friendship is an odd thing I haven’t quite figured out yet.

 

Also See Previous Father’s Day posts:

Happy Father’s Day! Ignore The Comediennes and Douche Bags

 

Mother’s Day

 

12 Summer Highlights…so far

 

 

Things That Make Me Smile #6

Tags

Fatherhood, homo, Humor, Movies, TV

Please Like Me

I found this little binge-worthy gem on Hulu. It was a Friday night alone after a long, hard traveling work week. I was exhausted and didn’t have the energy to go out but still felt like spending some quality time with my own kind. After surfing Amazon Prime Video and Netflix I was lamenting to myself the lack of quality LGBTQ entertainment when I stumbled upon this Australian diamond.
There are 2 seasons on Hulu that follow Joshua an obviously gay, but only freshly out twenty-year-old through his underachieving life with his straight friends and dysfunctional parents. Some have called it the LGBTQ “GIRLS.” These are definitely imperfect people just like in Girls, but if you’re like me you’ll still appreciate the occasional eye candy, like Joshua’s first boyfriend Geoffrey

 

The fact that I was nominated for a Brodie award!

The purpose of the Brodie Awards is to recognize Mormon themed material on the Internet. There are several categories, and I’m nominated in TWO! (Confession: I nominated one of my blog posts – which is totally legit, but someone else nominated another of my blog posts!)

Go vote for me if you agree that these blog posts should win the category:

• Funniest Humor Piece: Dad’s Primal Scream’s Insta-Gay and Lickety-Split Lesbian
• Best Mormon Parenting Piece: Dad’s Primal Scream’s series on his kids and the policy

Also, consider voting for my friends in these categories:

• Most Poignant Personal Story: I just ache, by Kiley
• Best Advice: Appearing on the TLC Network will only get you into trouble, by Gay Mormon Southpaw
• Best Response to Apologetics: Kennewick Man breaks Heartland hearts, by Simon Southerton
• Best Mormonism-and-Gender Discussion: Why It’s Tough to Be a Mormon Man, by Angela C
• Best LDS-Interest Book (Fiction): A Danger to God Himself, by John Draper

If nothing else, go read all these posts nominated in the category of Best Mormonism-and-Orientation Post:

• Soulmates, by myrtlejoy
• Church Lovingly Bars Certain Children from Membership, by Stake Pres.
• Revelation that Calls for Others to Sacrifice, by Lynnette
• Duty Bound to Reject it! by Bill Reel
• LDS Church Clarifies Stance on Same-Sex Childhood Apostasy, by Russ Stewart
• Consequences, Intended or Otherwise, by Julie M. Smith
• Michael Ferguson, Seth Anderson/ Fighting Gay Conversion Therapy, by Mormon Stories

Some recent smart ass memes

GeoGuesser

As a complete Geography nerd I love this game/time-waster. Using Google street view, the game drops you at a random location in the world and your task is to figure out where it is. After quite a bit of moving around, I can sometimes get within yards of guessing the actual starting point… Great fun. It’s available on smartphone too!

 

Taking my girls on their first Ski trip!

Almost every winter I’ve taken the kids to play in the snow in local mountains (Remember, they’ve grown up in Southern California and Phoenix). But this year I cashed in some travel points and took them full on skiing in nearby New Mexico.

After a morning of lessons, they hit the slopes and by day’s end they’d all converted to ski bunnies.

The next day we explored Santa Fe.

This was the first time they had ever seen snow fall! That led to one of the comments every dad wants to hear on a family vacation,

This is one of the best moments of my life!! Thanks Dad!

 

Relatives of LDS Church Authorities With the Balls to Speak up in Support of LGBT folks

• Laura Roper Andreasen – Granddaughter of LDS Apostle M. Russell Ballard

• Eric Reeves, Son of LDS Relief Society General Presidency 2nd Counselor Linda S. Reeves, Encourages Open Opposition to LDS Church SGA Policy Changes

The irony that the “other” Mormons are more Christian/Christ-like and their “Prophet” more of a leader than LDS counterparts

• Stephen M. Veazey, Prophet-President of Community of Christ (Formerly RLDS Church)

Nope, still not joining another religion, but this would definitely be one I’d consider if I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Does That?

I used to think it was just me, all my fault. As I came out and divorced years ago a certain sister of mine has treated me pretty apathetically. If I call or visit or take some sort of initiative there will be interaction.

Beyond that, she’s only made the initiative to socialize and interact with my ex-wife. More than once I’ve shown up at my ex’s house to pick up my kids and have seen my sister’s car in the driveway. I’ve been at family functions where my sister has all but ignored me. My kids have offhandedly mentioned times that my sister has invited my ex-wife and her new husband out to dinner. We live in the same city and I’ve seen her  maybe 3-4 times over the past 4 years – all my doing.

To clarify, I used to be close to my sister up until about the time she got married just before my mission. Something after that clicked. It clicked off. And I don’t dislike her husband. I do feel disliked though. Of all my siblings we were previously the closest and that just flicked off at some point. No real conflict took place. Just distance and tangential lives. Normal, I guess.

My ex-wife and sister had no significant relationship before the divorce. This isn’t a continuation of a tight ongoing relationship. Not once in my married life did my sister and ex-wife do something alone together. We always lived in different cities back then. In fact my ex-wife didn’t really like my sister and was somewhat intimidated by her. More than once I defended my sister to her.

Over the past 10 years I’ve always chalked all that up to my sister and her husband being True Blue Mormons and thus how she must feel obligated to treat me for me being an apostate… or, for me being gay.

I’m not sure which, maybe both.

But last weekend, I had an experience and an epiphany that might reveal another explanation…

My Uncle died on Christmas Day in Salt Lake City.

My oldest sibling created a Instant Message on Facebook to let us all know about the funeral arrangements. No one else said they were going, so I coordinated a gift of flowers for my aunt and cousins from all of us. Then, when I messaged my cousin to ask where I should send the flowers, my cousin said that I had just come up in conversation with my aunt about how much the time I spent visiting them during my college days at BYU had meant to them.

I choked up reading that message. I hadn’t experienced much positive affirmation from family so that meant a lot.

My aunt and uncle were really good to me during that period of my life and their home was always open to me at the drop of a hat if I needed to get away for the weekend while at BYU.

Maybe I should go to the funeral after all? It’s a good 12 hour drive for me… but then a brother who lives 1/2 ways said he’d go if someone would come pick him up… And that made my decision. I was going.

The decision felt right. We announced our decision on our group message and I called my Dad who lives in Salt Lake City to tell him we were coming.

Sorry if I’m boring you to death, but that background was necessary to set up what I witnessed.

After all that coordination on our group chat with sending the flowers, carpooling with my brother and such, we (me, my brother and my Dad whom we’d picked up to join us) showed up at the funeral and guess who we saw… My sister and her husband.

She lives in the same F-ing city as me. And didn’t even think to share with my brother and I that she was going to the funeral. And that’s not the weird part. She hadn’t told my Dad she was coming and for the couple of days that she was there didn’t interact with him beyond the funeral.

Who does that?

Who goes to a family  funeral out of town where their parent lives and doesn’t visit or call or even tell him that she’s coming?

Wow! My sister is a far greater bitch than I’d preciously given her credit for… Or, she and her husband are just incredibly socially retarded.  And she’s not only that way with me. She treats her own father like that?!

In my attempt not to be judgmental, I tried to think of some other alternative explanation… I guess I was OK with her being a bitch to just me, but witnessing her treat my father like that it dawned on me that maybe she or her husband, or both of them, have some sort of high functioning Asperger’s Syndrome or something.

Is that possible?

I mean, how else do you explain the blatant cluelessness of social norms and human intimacy?

My sister is very wealthy and her interaction with family has always been money driven. If someone begs sufficiently, she lends a hand. I am not aware of any bad blood between her and our Dad. Maybe she lent him some money he hasn’t paid back? I don’t know.

But still, who does that?

My Dad is a good man. He wasn’t a bad father, He never inflicted abuse on anyone. He was often absent working to support a wife and 8 children. He financed the college education for this particular sister and I…something I appreciate deeply now as a father of four. The worst thing my Dad ever did was defer almost entirely to our Mom on everything and maintained his church activity at tepid at best. He was never going to be bishop, but he also never bad-mouthed or discouraged church activity.

Today was his birthday (78) and after talking to him on the phone it appears that out of 8 children only 3 of us called him to wish him a happy birthday…all 3 of us are apostates. Nothing from the devoted, active Mormons.

So much for being a family oriented church, huh!