Due to heavy demand (2 requests), my Insta-Gay service has been expanded to include the ladies. As you can imagine, the logistics of such a service requires some creativity. Please read the details below:
Are you a straight ex-Mormon woman with a spouse or ex-spouse who still wants to baptize your kids?
Do you want to prevent it without looking like an bitch?
Well, now you can with my Lickety-Split Lesbian service. Reply now to arrange your lesbian partner for a day
You can choose from either of two plans:
Flannel Forever or U-Haul Deb
With Flannel Forever you’ll get the real thing and it’s your most authentic option.
My lesbian friend Deb has agreed to be the Dieseldyke in your imaginary L Word fantasy. She will meet you at Home Depot where you will walk the isles picking out flooring and appliances for your imaginary home together. We’ll pre-arrange to have Melissa Etheridge playing on the sound system as you meander through the store arguing and breaking up on each of the even aisles, then making up and calling each other pet names on the odd aisles.
After an hour in the garden department, you’ll transport your tools over to my house in Deb’s Subaru Outback where you’ll re-landscape my back yard as you flirt, kiss and pet each other among the fresh smell of perennials and succulents. I’ll be snapping the photos when 50 other local lesbians show up for your romantic, impulsive, on-the-spot wedding in my backyard. Deb’s girlfriend Sharron will officiate the wedding.
As your guests leave, Deb will carry you piggyback into the tent we’ll set up especially for you on your wedding night. Inside the tent, Deb will make you her pillow queen and introduce you to life’s ultimate paradox: that the life-giving male appendage is wholly unnecessary for jaw-dropping, OMG pleasure.
In the morning, you’ll cook breakfast over a campfire wearing just your Dockers and flannel tops. Deb will say something insensitive and you’ll have your final argument as I hand you your memory package including: chapstick, Fun Home Soundtrack, long key chain and your marriage certificate.
U-Haul Deb is for you out of towners who can’t spend a full weekend with Deb… or for those of you who just really are straight.
In this option Deb will be a lipstick lesbian so as to not terrify you too much.
You’ll kiss once, taking a selfie in front of her softball trophies.
Afterwards, you’ll move out and return to your former straight life.
All we want to do is serve our fellow man.
There’s a lawyer in the Ex-Mormon community that offers to process resignations from the Church for free.
What awesome selfless service!
I find it inspiring.
So, to do my part…I give you Insta-Gay and Lickety-Split Lesbian . We’ll make it so convincing that the church won’t LET THEM be baptized!
Please send applications to me c/o Deb and include a face pic. Unlike the Mormon church, no request will be rejected here. Just don’t shave for a few days, and please brush up on your professional golf knowledge.
Feel free to share with your friends!