Brothers and Sisters, after much prayer and thought, the Lord has prompted me, Dadsprimalscream the visiting General Authority, to call the following ward members to these positions. Please stand while your name is read:
Bishop: Morgan Freeman (This speaks for itself. Wife… Tina Fey, who is actually ruling the
1st Counselor: Tommy Lee Jones (‘Cause he’s in everything. I had to put him somewhere.)
2nd Counselor: Jon Stewart (For some reason it’s always the second counselor who is really likeable and who actually knows what’s going on)
Executive Secretary: Nicolas Cage (Just a tad crazy with a creepy voice, or does it just seem that way when he calls you up for an appointment with the Bishop?)
Ward Clerk: Johnny Depp (He’s the one meandering up and down the aisle each Sunday… you know he’s doing more than just counting people…but what?)
Relief Society President: Barbara Walters (Nose is in everyone’s business, asks inappropriate questions and her hair, makeup, or plastic surgery just seem a bit… off. Husband… Al Gore, who is under utilized in the ward. He incidentally roomed in college with Tommy Lee Jones, 1st Counselor in the Bishopric)
Primary President: Amy Adams (Super sweet for the real little kids but also just slightly hot. Husband… Ricky Gervais, someone who probably has no business being around children.)
Young Men’s President: Bradley Cooper (It’s always the guy on whom the closeted gay men in the ward have a crush. He’s married to the woman on whom the straight men have a crush… Scarlett Johansson)
Ward Organist: Jesse Tyler Ferguson (You know he’s gay, right? Married to Sofia Vergara, who he met on his mission to Colombia and she has no clue he is gay. In all fairness, neither does he.)
Ward Chorister/Choir Leader: Melissa McCarthy (Enthusiastic, and you secretly suspect she could/would kick your ass if you crossed her. Not sure if she’s married or not because she sits on the stand alone and seems OK with it.)
High Priest Group Leader: William Shatner (Because he says and does some crazy shit. But he never backs down, apologizes, or regrets anything.)
Stake High Councilman: Ben Stine (Boring people to tears as a profession and making wild assumptions.)
Ward Mission Leader: President Obama (A black dude elected President TWICE? This dude could convert anyone. Yes we can!)
Young Single Adult Chairpersons: Female, Lindsay Lohan; Male, Ryan Seacrest
(The female is always a hot mess while the male former missionary seems a bit too fastidious to be straight.)
Ward Activities Chairperson: Kathy Griffin (Husband…Sasha Baron Cohen. The Bishopric disapproves of almost everything they try to do.)
Sunday School President: Ben Stiller (Forgotten, until he shows up in something. Then he is OK, but you suspect he’s there just because he’s related to someone. Married to Kristy McNichol. We loved her way back when, but where is she? She’s probably less-active… sinning.)
All in favor please manifest it by raising the right hand.
All opposed by the same sign.
The following people do not need to stand when I read their name. These positions are not actual callings but we feel prompted to thank these good ward members for their faithful and consistent service:
Betty White: Past Relief Society President. She’s always willing to show up everywhere and do anything. Now she’s the lady who gets up and bears her testimony every Fast Sunday…and we understand very little of what she says. But oh what a powerful testimony!
Michael Cera: The sweet, innocent-looking Priest who blesses the sacrament each week without fail, even if he does show up late after taking a long shower to get ready. Can’t imagine what he does in there that whole time!
Fred Willard: He never made it into a Bishopric. In fact we’re not sure if he ever really had a calling. But he is the most faithful home teacher we have ever had. So, we assign him to home teach all of our inactive families and widows. They love him.