Are you a straight ex-Mormon with a spouse or ex-spouse who still wants to baptize your kids?
Do you want to prevent it without looking like an asshole?
Well, now you can with my Insta-Gay service. I’ll be your gay boyfriend for a day!
You can choose from either of two plans:
Bed n Brunch or Airport Speed Date
With Bed n Brunch you’ll get the real thing and it’s your most authentic option.
We’ll start off with a long walk on the beach where we can get to know one another better. We’ll take off our shoes, giggle and splash each other in the shallow water only to come together in a passionate embrace and a long, deep kiss while the waves crash about us.
My real boyfriend, Ricky, will follow at a distance with a camera to capture the evidence. From there we’ll walk hand in hand to our beach side hotel room where I’ll do my best to make you question whether this is real for you or not.
I’m versatile so anything can happen. It’s up to you. We’ll wake up in the morning spooning (I’m the inside spoon). You’ll laugh because your downward arm will have fallen asleep. At which point we’ll finally get up and shower together. It will be bittersweet because this will be our first and last shower together.
Then, it’s on to brunch! We’ll sip mimosas and gaze knowingly into each other’s eyes.
Ricky will download all the evidence of our “relationship” and have it ready on a nice flash drive for you by the time our check arrives. We’ll part ways but keep each other as contacts in our phones. You know, *wink, wink* so you can text me pictures of your non-Mormon kids as they grow up without Primary and Mutual all thanks to me.
Airport Speed Date is for you out of towners who can’t spend a full weekend with me… or for those of you who just really are straight.
You’ll fly into town with just an hour layover at my local airport. So as to not creep you out too much, Ricky will stay at home. I’ll greet you at the gate with a firm handshake and we’ll go get a root beer together at the airport pub. Our waitress will take a picture with your phone of us kissing, toasting our “love.” Just once. Quick. No tongue. I promise.
I’ll bring baby wipes and mouthwash for you.
Afterwards, you’ll hop on the plane back home to your family and your straight, butch life. You can share that picture just with your bishop to get the mandatory exemption for your family.
All I want to do is serve my fellow man.
There’s a lawyer in the Ex-Mormon community that offers to process resignations from the Church for free.
What awesome selfless service!
I find it inspiring.
So, to do my part…I give you Insta-Gay. We’ll make it so convincing that the church won’t LET THEM be baptized!
Please send applications directly to me and include a face pic. Unlike the Mormon church, no request will be rejected here. Just be freshly showered and hygienic.
Feel free to share with your friends! I’m sure my calendar will be filling up fast. My time is limited, so act now!
For the ladies, see Lickety-split Lesbian