Mother’s Day

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Fatherhood, Mother's Day, Motherhood, womanhood

I’ve always hated the contrast between Mothers and Fathers Day especially in the LDS Church.

For Mothers Day, there are talks about the divinity of womanhood. Women are to be honored just because they have a vagina and even more so if there’s been some outgoing traffic in there. LDS wards pass out flowers or candy to all of the women.  At the end of Sacrament Meeting they ask all the women to stand and the youth or Elder’s Quorum distributes the goodies…and in wards that I lived in they made certain that even childless women got one.  They made it a celebration of womanhood, not just motherhood.

If, and that’s a big “IF”, Fathers Day is mentioned at all, it’s a lesson on how men need to be better fathers, honor their priesthood more, etc… Their penises apparently aren’t sufficient apparatuses for praise all by themselves.

I suspect it’s mostly a guilt induced thing – everyone knows men have all the power in Mormonism so they try to downplay manhood and highlight womanhood so no one will take a good long look at the reality. Women are told how wonderful they are so they won’t notice that they are actually disregarded and have second-rate status in the church. Every other 364 days of the year are a celebration of manhood in Mormonism.

As a man, though, and a pretty good father if I do say so myself, I find the attitude of LDS leadership condescending. Often in priesthood meeting they’ll say something insulting to the young men like “well, you’re certainly not as good-looking as the young women, but hey you’re priesthood holders so there’s your worth.”  Or the MTC Mission President who says, “Elders, look at these sisters. They’ll get done in 18 months what will take you 2 years.” I couldn’t stand that as a young boy and if I’m ever present when someone says it around my son I tear him another one…

Nevertheless, Happy Mother’s Day to the good Mom’s out there. I have a feeling you know who you are.

Money, Money, Money

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Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Equality, Mormonism, womanhood

There’s an opinion in today’s Salt Lake Tribune evaluating whether or not women are equal in Mormonism.

I have got to hand it to them. Mormon leaders say over and over again in meetings that husbands and wives are equal partners and they try to emphasize motherhood a lot. But it all sounds to me like they “protest too much.”  As the article points out, women do not have the priesthood and until they do there will always be a hierarchical difference between men and women.

Very true.

And perhaps this is just a corollary to that thought, but what tells me that women have no equal footing is the lack of trust in women with regards to the handling or flow of information and most importantly with regards to MONEY.

Does a woman have full access to all information?  No

Does a woman ever have policy setting responsibility? No

Does a woman ever sign a check on behalf of the church? No

This is a Women's Leadership Training Meeting (notice: ratio of men/women)

I’ve had a few experiences in my life when a female friend or family member was trying to instruct me on what is official church policy on some particular topic. At the time I knew they were wrong, dead wrong, but I couldn’t figure out why they had such a different impression than I did.  Only later did it dawn on me.  As a priesthood leader I’ve had access to the Church Handbook of Instructions – the Priesthood leaders’ copy.  A woman never lays eyes on this.

Take for example birth control. Most of the self-declared independent Mormon women I know would probably say that it’s solely up to the married couple and God. Period. But the CHI clearly states that it’s an issue between those 3 parties and that the married couple should pray for guidance and consult with the bishop! That’s just one example, but it shows how policy which is framed by men, for men can leave men and women with a varied understanding of the same issue.

With regards to policy or decision-making, a woman does not make a single decision that isn’t reviewed and approved by a higher male figure with complete veto authority. Take a Relief Society President, for example.  If she wants to issue a calling for say a RS teacher, or even a counselor she must run it by the bishop who approves/disapproves the decision. In my experience as Ward Executive Secretary watching this farce unfold, I saw frustrated women who finally threw their hands up in exasperation saying, “Stop sending me on this wild goose chase.  I’ve prayed about it and you rejected the names I selected.  Just tell me who you’ll approve of!”

Lastly, money tells the true story with everything.  And there’s not much to say other than there isn’t a Mormon woman who writes checks for the church.  Control over money is the ultimate symbol of power, authority and equality. A Mormon woman has none.

To be truly equal, I’d hope that my daughters have a little more to go on than repetitive declarations by stodgy Mormon men and women. When they have the priesthood and the authority to control the dissemination of information, policy and MONEY then I will believe that Mormon women are equal.

Women: A Perfect Life vs An Interesting Life

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An Interesting Life, depression, Happiness, Motherhood, Perfectionism, womanhood

I have 3 daughters between the ages of 6 and 11.  That makes me a bit nervous only because of the subtle messages regarding women that they are surrounded by in society but also because of the expectations in their Mormon environment.  I have so much to say about this and it will probably involve several posts, but let me say for now that this was one major factor that led me out the faith of my fathers. I believe it’s a toxic environment for women and my daughters deserve better.

Back when I was studying Mormonism and realizing that it’s not all it claims to be, I looked around at the women in my life and realized that there wasn’t one of them that I would suspect of being happy.  There wasn’t one of them that was living what I considered an interesting life.  I knew  many of them were depressed, unsure of themselves, overly obsessed with the religiousness of others or hyper-judgmental . Their outward smiles belied a deep inner dissatisfaction. I know anecdotal evidence to suggest that Mormon women are medicated with anti-depressants at a much higher rate than others.

These women were using the advice of 80+ year old men who had spent little time with their own families as their guide.  This advice centered around the biblical admonition “Be ye therefore perfect” (Matthew 5:48).  In Mormonism this means marry young, bear a lot of children and stay at home full-time to raise them. (If you doubt that Mormonism has a unique claim on the quest for perfectionism, just google that phrase above; the top 2 results are talks by Mormon leaders and there are 2 more LDS references in the top 10.  Or read anything by the woman at the right, Julie Beck). I believe it’s possible for a woman to find fulfillment as a mother of a large family, but I don’t believe it is THE sole recipe for such fulfillment for every woman or the single best answer for all children to have such a Mom.

I believe my own ex-wife is a much better mother now that she’s been forced into the workforce than she ever was as a stay at home Mom while we were married.

I’ve read 2 blog posts on this topic recently that I really love.  The first one titled Do You Overemphasize Happiness? reviews some research on happiness and concludes a person has to choose between being happy and being interesting but we can’t have both.

I think choosing a life that is interesting to us and choosing a life that makes us feel happy are probably very different choices.

For one thing, people who are happy do not look for a lot of choices, according to Barry Schwartz, in his book, The Paradox of Choice. People who want to have an interesting life are always looking for more choices and better choices, and they make decisions for their life based on maximizing choices.

The women who are examples to my 3 girls are the type of people who are paralyzed by choices and attempt to eliminate diverse choices and divergent thought.  I hate to admit it now, but this simple-mindedness initially attracted me as quaint and as Mormon leaders would phrase it, “safe.” What bothers me about this now is that my girls are not the cookie-cutter round pegs that the Mormon church would want them to believe that they are. They are unique in ways that no organization’s pre-fabricated roadmap would serve them best.

The second blog post I referred to takes a jab at the old adage No one is perfect and flips it on its head so eloquently that we’re left agreeing that our individuality is better than perfection…whatever that is…

The idea that no one is perfect no longer rings true to me. I’m not sure it ever has. Because who gets to decide what or who is perfect? Is she someone who cooks a perfect roast? Or is she someone who can laugh at herself and order a pizza when she burns it?

Does perfection laugh, but not too loud? Does she laugh only when it’s appropriate? Who gets to decide what is appropriate? Does she have laugh lines or botox? Does she use a clothes dryer or hang a perfect clothesline? Or does she hire a maid? How many children does she have? Are they perfect, too? Does she have stretch marks? A tummy tuck?

Does a “perfect” person even have a sense of humor? Or do they walk around all the time with a knowing, condescending, holier-than-thou look, rolling their eyes upon hearing a joke they decide is too racy? Because I would hate that person, especially if she were me.

So when I hear the common expression, “No one is perfect,” it grates a little. Well, a lot actually. That expression suggests we are somehow consistently falling short, always striving but never achieving, perpetually less than.

The message is indeed that if you are not the ideal you are somehow less than. I felt it as a gay man growing up in the faith and I don’t want my daughters to feel inadequate for being anything other than their beautiful, quirky, hilarious selves.

One of my girls writes insightful, clever songs and spends her time in the bathroom singing  in the mirror; she has an infectious, adorable laugh.   One wears boys clothes and plays her brothers’ football video games; She asks the most insightful and thought-provoking questions. The third girl practices being a teacher; she writes and illustrates adorable books telling family members she loves them.

This past week they held their own scriptwriting contest in which they performed each others’ plays and recruited me to judge.

They are creative and intelligent. I want them to know that they are interesting and perfect right now – as is. There are infinite possibilities…they can travel, study medicine, play soccer, become a university professor, writer, singer or landscaper. But when you are raised that only a man can be a savior or that men are qualified for some power and control that you are not, then Dad has something to say about it.

Surrounding my girls are women who have used cosmetic surgery to solve their self-esteem issues – from boob jobs to face-lifts.  There are women who discount education or achievement and set up the bearing of children as their loftiest goal.

And I’m not diminishing motherhood at all.  But you can be a mother by accident… anyone with a uterus can do it.  I think my daughters could one day be “perfect” mothers (if they choose that) by following their own dreams and accepting their innate beauty.

They are perfect and they can have interesting lives…and motherhood can be a part of that if they want it.