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  • Why I Left Mormonism
    • Search, Ponder and Pray (Introduction)
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    • Ch 10: But Wait, There’s More!
    • Conclusion

Dad's Primal Scream

~ Musings of a gay ex-Mormon father

Dad's Primal Scream

Category Archives: Coming Out

A Lil Bit O’ Coming Out History; Why You Should Care (Yes, YOU Mr. So-Called Straight-Acting Homo)

11 Thursday Oct 2018

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Coming Out, LGBT culture

Today’s post has been festering inside me for a long time.  Today, October 11 is National Coming Out Day and it’s the right time to post it.

First, I need to back up a bit.

Ancient artwork tells us that homosexuality has always been around. Phallic male figures and depictions of male intercourse are the first incidence of open homosexuality that we know of. The Neolithic and Bronze age brought us the world’s first intersex art sculptures. Was homosexuality accepted as part of those societies? Or, are these depictions just the equivalent of today’s underground media?

In the centuries that followed, artists became bolder in their depiction of LGBT related matters; from visual depictions of homosexual intercourse to lesbian themes in literature, homosexuality has long existed in society.

That’s not to say this previous artwork was all created without resistance. The first debate we know of was when Plato published Symposium in which Greek intellectuals argue that love between males is the highest form, while sex with women is lustful and utilitarian. In the first century CE Nero, the Emperor or Rome married two men, Pythagoras and Sporus. A hundred and fifty years later Rome  punished homosexuality. How did all the other homosexuals at the time live their lives?

Then, for some reason, Nonnus’ Dionysiaca written in the late 4th and/or early 5th century AD became the last known piece of literature for nearly 1,000 years to celebrate homosexual passion. It is safe to assume that extreme measures were taken against homosexuality. There were laws enacted and punishments served. What did homosexuals do during that time period? How did they hide? How did they meet?

Homosexuality pops up a lot in legal history. In 1642 Richard Cornish was
executed in Virginia for alleged homosexual acts with a servant.

The late eighteenth century marked the first time a modern Western author treated homosexuality openly in art and it was done as activism, or an attempt to make a change.  “Different from Others”, one of the first explicitly gay films, was released in 1919. A man named Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld  co-wrote, co-funded and acted in the movie a silent film whose main character comes out to thwart his extortionist gay ex-lover, but subsequently loses his job and commits suicide. The project was intended as resistance against Paragraph 175, the 1871 German law that criminalized male homosexuality.

Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld (1868-1935)

Hirschfeld was an adult male in the early part of the 20th century who was out and not being quiet nor polite about it. He traveled and lived openly with his male partner Li Shiu Tong as he argued for tolerance and acceptance of sexual minorities like himself. What were all the other homosexuals doing at this time?

Closer to home, in 1924 Henry Gerber formed the Society for Human Rights, the first gay group in the US, but the group was quickly shut down. We know he was pretty obviously gay because in 1917, Gerber had been briefly committed to a mental institution because of his homosexuality. Things like that didn’t happen to the covert straight-acting guys who could hide it and blend in. Gerber was at the vanguard of a growing awareness among gays and lesbians that their problems stemmed not from their sexual natures but from oppression.

History began to see homosexuals resist and come out from hiding. Whereas homosexuality was always a fact, there appeared to be false starts in artistic fascination, appreciation, and acceptance. I believe it’s safe to say that the vast majority of homosexuals lived quiet lives of desperation, loneliness and fear of punishment. Whether they lived on the fringes of society or hidden among acceptable society in mixed orientation marriages or as confirmed bachelors we don’t really know.

The first known protests in the U.S. for gay rights and equal treatment were not conducted by “masc”, straight-acting guys who could blend in with society. More often than not drag queens, trans women and gay hustlers were the ones who spoke up first and who had the balls to be out, loud and proud 24 hours a day.

Image result for Compton Cafeteria Riot

Compton’s Cafeteria Riot

When in 1966 a policeman in Compton’s Cafeteria in San Francisco grabbed a drag queen, she threw a cup of coffee in his face. People flipped tables and threw cutlery.  Drag queens swung their heavy purses at officers.  The crowd trashed a cop car and set a newsstand on fire.

Stonewall in 1969 is often thought of as an uprising of gay men. In reality, it was drag queens, black drag queens, who fought the police at the famous Stonewall Inn rebellion in 1969.

It’s safe to say the current path to LGBTQ equality has been paved primarily by misfits and the flamboyant. These are the same parts of our community that are criticized at Pride events for making too bold a statement, or for being too “in your face”, or for being too “Fem” for the self-described “Masc” newbies.

I cringe a little when I hear newly out gay men trying to prove their masculinity by emphasizing how “normal” they feel compared to the stereotypical gays they’ve seen depicted on film and TV.

Those “fems” they try to distinguish themselves from were the ones who came out because hiding wasn’t an option. They either wouldn’t or couldn’t hide. Some of us were able to pretend in mixed orientation marriages. Others couldn’t or wouldn’t. I have one gay friend who actually vomited on his girlfriend when he tried to have sex with her. He had fewer options than I had. He came out in his 20s.

Men like him did it before it was easy.

There’s never a wrong time or a wrong way to come out. Every gay man I know did it differently but throughout history it has changed.

No one should be shamed by coming out in their own time and in their own way.

If you’ve come out or just know someone who has, today is a day to honor that most difficult of choices, but don’t do it on the back of men and women who made it easier for you to come out today, or 12 years ago like I did.

Most of us today are coming out because it’s easier, because the majority of people we know will like or love us anyway. We have rights and community support. We can see a future. Just 30 years ago I couldn’t see a future as a gay man, so I didn’t come out. I couldn’t even fathom it.

I honor the men I know and the men throughout history who came out then, the ones who came out before it was easy.

I confess, when I came out I made sure people knew I wasn’t going to be one of those effeminate gays. I was still me. I felt the need to defend my 40+ years of convincing myself of my own masculinity.

But, you see, none of us know what we would have been like had we been able to be who we really were from birth. I spent 40 years in hiding and desperately modifying my behavior to appear less gay. From an early age I made sure to pick clothes that weren’t too gay. I modified my voice because I cringed when I heard too much “gay” in my recorded voice. Although I was drawn to playing dolls and doing hair, I avoided such activities that would have been too gay. As a teen I constantly thought about how I walked and talked. I dated girls as a cover. I ended up marrying with the primary goal of convincing myself and others that I was masculine enough to be considered straight.

It was exhausting and both emotionally and spiritually damaging. For years I pulled it off and many of those efforts were internalized. It’s no wonder that I can pass as a straight guy because I white knuckled it for 40 years. I made that my primary emotional task. It wasn’t healthy and it’s nothing to brag about.

To be honest I’m now rather ashamed that I’m not obviously more gay than I am. Had I grown up in a household and in a society that would have nurtured and cherished my innate qualities who knows what kind of outward character traits of mine would be different today, or how “Fem” I would appear. You newly out self-described “straight-acting” men, you don’t know either.

Trying to appear straight is a numbing activity. It’s an attempt to numb the pain of society’s non-acceptance of your core identity. It’s an attempt to justify a lifetime of living in the closet.

Image result for richie and jordan gala

Jordan Roth and husband Richie Jackson

We need to stop honoring “straight-acting.” We need to stop prizing the cover up. You’re not as straight-acting as you think you are. Without exception, every man who has described himself to me like that has triggered my gaydar upon first meeting. If you are sexually attracted to men, you’re not straight-acting. You don’t look very straight with a cock in your mouth. Your absence of a lisp or your interest in football make you no more valuable, and no better a representative of homosexuality than the queen wearing a rainbow jockstrap at the Pride parade.

Let’s honor coming out as early and as loudly as possible. Let’s live in the gratitude that we can come out more safely now than ever, that those who are at all different points on the Kinsey Scale can be who they are. As a pretty solid 5, I thank all the 6’s out there.

Those who did were braver men than me because they made it easier for me.

Thank you.

Happy Coming Out Day

 

References, Read More:

Gay Influence

Excuse Me While I Slip Into Someone More Comfortable

Today in Gay History: The First Gay Protest

Ladies In The Streets: Before Stonewall, Transgender Uprising Changed Lives

Henry Gerber – Wikipedia

Henry Gerber – PBS

LGBTQ HISTORY TIMELINE REFERENCE – GLSEN

A Timeline of Lesbian, Gay,
Bisexual, and Transgender History
in the United States

LGBT Rights Milestones Fast Facts – CNN

Timeline of LGBT history – Wikipedia

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Winner, Winner!

21 Wednesday Feb 2018

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Belief, Belonging, Child Custody, Coming Out, Divorce, Fatherhood, Gratitude, Happiness, parenting, Reality

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Fatherhood, Parenting, Reality

Thank you to my readers who nominated me and then voted for me in the 2017 Brodie Awards. My blog post “Taking Back My Power” won for Best Discussion on Parenting.

This is my second win. Back in 2015 my post “Speaking To The Kids About This Mormon Gay Thing” also won in the category of  Best Mormon Parenting Piece.

Very cool. Thanks again.

I’m especially honored because I really haven’t written much this past year. I’m still around. As this blog’s name implies, my writing has been an amazingly effective way to release angst and frustration, but the less angst I feel over time the less impulse I have had to write.

As the saying goes, it has gotten better!

I don’t delude myself into thinking anyone’s out there regularly pondering “What happened to Dads Primal Scream?” But for anyone reading this who is now where I was 12 years ago it might be helpful to hear how some things have changed.

First, referring back to my “Taking Back My Power” blog post mentioned above, the party mentioned was extremely successful. I had about 30 – 40 friends stop by to help me welcome my son home from his mission. I was a little disappointed that none of his  Mormon friends or family came but my kids were all there. They were gracious and kind to all my gay and ex-Mormon friends. I was so proud of them. My son greeted everyone with a hug and socialized cheerfully. I highly recommend this sort of celebration to fellow outcasts. Make your own party rather than fretting over the treatment you’ll get at the tradition events.

I could never have imagined this 12 years ago.

Secondly, I have two adult kids now living at home ages 18 and 20. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to treat them and what my expectations should be. The big news out of all of this is that my ex-wife and I talked (well, it was more like e-mailed and texted) and put together some rules and expectations for our adult children living at home, most of which we agreed upon together. Then, we took the two kids to lunch and gave them copies of the document and got their feedback. In 12 years of divorce, this is only the second time my ex-wife and I have sat down together and presented a united front to our kids. It’s pretty monumental. The first time was 10 years ago after she won the move-away court battle and much less congenial.

I continue to have my minor children 50% of the time and the older ones stay when and where they want. One ends up with me most of the time, and the other one tends to sleep more at his Mom’s. We’re only a mile apart so they still spend time at each house.

I joke that my weekends with my kids are spent being “Uber-Daddy,” driving them to and from events, friends’ homes, etc. The older ones haven’t really materialized into reliable resources to help with that like I fantasized that they would. They have their own jobs, activities and busy lives.

All my kids show love and respect towards me. Two of them tend to lean more towards Mormonism and the other two don’t. They see it as a boring interruption to their lives and have expressed doubt to me. If I’m being honest it doesn’t even matter as much to me anymore which way they lean. Even the ones who are active in church bring their friends around my home. Their friends all know I’m gay and not LDS and it doesn’t seem to matter. Weekend friend gatherings and sleepovers still happen at my home.

Personally I’ve been doing really well at work. Financially I’m in a good place and not living in a constant state of desperation and anxiety like I used to. My income has increased and child support has decreased with each kid turning 18.

I’ve been dating more. I’m finally able to have guys over with my kids also around and to arrange dates on my kid weekends so that has helped. No one I’m dating is a keeper yet, but I’m not really stressed out about it like many guys I know. I suffer from a rare condition of not really minding being alone. Of course I’d love to find someone I’m compatible with, who lights my fire and with whom I can share an amazing future with, but it hasn’t happened yet.

My  happiness, contentment and peace isn’t dependent on that elusive guy.

I had a life-changing experience recently, an experience which merits its own blog post. Coming soon! I continue to hold a deep sense of gratitude, insight and personal power from this experience so I can’t wait to write about it and get reactions.

Not only does it get better but the growth that comes from those extremely challenging, tense and troubled times of failed relationships, divorce, coming out, professional failures, leaving the faith of my fathers and feeling so very alone and emasculated in this life has nourished a garden of wonderful relationships, strength and peace.

Until next time.

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Where Will You Go?

08 Sunday Jan 2017

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Apostasy, Belonging, Coming Out, Divorce, Fatherhood, Mormonism, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Apostasy, Coming Out, Fatherhood, Mormonism

Mormon apostle Russell Ballard gave a talk in October 2016 General Conference entitled “To Whom Shall We Go?” where he said the following:

If any one of you is faltering in your faith, I ask you the same question that Peter asked: “To whom shall [you] go?” If you choose to become inactive or to leave the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where will you go? What will you do? The decision to “walk no more” with Church members and the Lord’s chosen leaders will have a long-term impact that cannot always be seen right now.

A new website, wherewillyougo.org, has been dedicated to former Mormons submitting their own answers explaining where they’ve gone and how that’s worked out for them. This is my submission:

——————————————————————

10 years ago as a gay, newly divorced father of four and former Mormon, where I would go and what I would do was indeed the looming question

A lifetime of seminary, sunday school, priesthood, mission, BYU and church leadership had me imagining myself at best as a drug addicted felon like Matt Foley living in a van down by the river with no friends, family, job. At worst, I’d lose my family in the eternities.

140207_2724258_motivational_speaker_anvver_5

The fear is real. And some of it is well-founded. I had a difficult time financially and emotionally for several years. Divorce in and of itself can and often does do that to a man. Add coming out and leaving your lifelong religion to the mix and it’s not going to be a cakewalk. But as I tell other men in the same position I was in 10 years ago, don’t divorce thinking you’re transitioning into some dreamlike peace and happiness. Do it if divorce is a reward in and of itself.

I’d offer the same advice for awakening Mormons making a rough decision to leave or to stay. Leaving needs to be a reward in and of itself, regardless of what exciting or terrifying experiences lie ahead. For me, divorcing and leaving Mormonism have indeed been their own rewards. I have had the exciting task of developing my own moral compass and creating a life that reflects my true soul rather than sticking to what some men tell me is “safe” and acceptable.

I’ve chosen to love my fellow man and have rejected doctrine, policies, standards and beliefs that don’t show that love…and it has made all the difference in the world.

Fatherhood has been my crowning achievement in that. In all that has passed, my four kids have always come first. I believe I’m a better father today than I ever would have been working 10+ hours a week out of the home on church callings, unhappily married to their mother and repressing such a fundamental part of my soul. I’ve been fortunate over the years to spend 1 on 1 time with each of my children and I have an unconditionally loving relationship with them, even with the ones who are still gravitating towards the LDS church.

What’s new is that my entire life is patterned after my own hard-fought-for values, rather than the pre-packaged standards and rules created by others. I’m still single. I haven’t replaced Mormonism with a different belief system. I still have good days and bad days. But I’ve experienced deep passionate love, familial love and acceptance, and financial successes that shadow the failures.

Where did I go?

Towards love, authenticity, and a genuine daily life. It has made not pretending worth it.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

02 Saturday Jul 2016

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out, Mormonism, Religion, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Coming Out, Gay, Mormonism, Religion

How is life different for today’s young gay Mormons than it was for me 40 years ago?

Today’s LDS Church is not the LDS Church I grew up in. Today’s gay-aware world is certainly not the myopic straight world I grew up in.

In my growing up years, a Mormon did everything possible to distinguish himself from any other form of Christian. After all, Catholic and Protestant Churches were all apostate! Today, the church desperately wants to be thought of as a branch of the very Christianity they used to condescendingly disregard. It’s no wonder that those of us from those days who have left it end up atheists or at least unaffiliated without any specific religion.

As a young man grappling with homosexuality there was no such thing as an out gay Mormon. Gay wasn’t a noun. It was only considered an endurable, sinful verb. Today, there is a small but vocal segment of Mormon allies and even gay Mormons who accept homosexuality as an unchangeable state and yet find the capacity to struggle and contort themselves to stay LDS. I still can’t fathom operating the required mental and emotional gymnastics to accomplish that, but it is undeniably a thing now.

In the past, my LDS Mom and wife took on leadership roles without any real freedom or power to manage objectives and staffing. They were merely operation coordinators. Programs and processes were directives from the males above and local decisions required male approval thus effectively rendering their own decisions mute. I haven’t heard of any substantive changes in this regard but

As a teen, I’d never seen a homosexual portrayed on TV or in the movies. I’d heard that the 70’s sitcom Soap had a gay character, but we weren’t allowed to watch that show. Homosexuality was never discussed in my home or in church. In fact, I didn’t even know what the words “gay” or “homosexual” actually referred to until I was in the 5th or 6th grade. When I did learn what it meant, I suddenly had a name for how I felt and it still felt very “bad”, very foreign and very unfathomable. I just shamefully sensed that I was all that, and that my safety and the cure lied in the church.

It didn’t.

Today, a young preteen gay boy or girl has  a rich source of gay themed media, gay Mormon blogs, gay ex-Mormon blogs or videos, and just plain gays in the media out and proud, not addicted to drugs and not living in a van down by the river!

Then there’s Mama Dragons.

These women are everything I dreamed my mother would have been. My own mother died before I came out. But had I any idea there were LDS women like Mama Dragons out there when I was a teen,  I think I would have felt safe enough to come out earlier and thus prevent a whole slew of pain that later revealed itself on loved ones such as my ex-wife and kids. If you are one of our gay youth or the parent of one, talk to a Mama Dragon (You can e-mail them here: mamadragonstoryproject@gmail.com). I’ve met a couple of them in person and even as a 50 year old man, my soul is refreshed and I feel love from those women. These are people with a moral compass that elevates everyone they interact with. This is what love is.

There was a movement a few years ago called, “It Gets Better”. I’m here to testify that is IS better. It’s better today even while religious leaders still cling tight to archaic bronze age opinions. The world, American society and some in the LDS  fringe community are better today than they were 40 years ago..

You CAN do this, in or out of Mormonism.

See Also:

Family Acceptance Project

 

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Voices of Dope 2; On TV

26 Friday Dec 2014

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out, Family, Homosexuality, Marriage, Mormonism, Reality

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Coming Out, Gay, Homosexuality, Homosexuality and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Marriage, Mormonism

As you may have already heard, TLC is airing a ‘My Husband’s Not Gay’ special in January.

On January 11 at 10 p.m. ET/PT, TLC will premiere a one-hour special following some Mormons who say are living have an alternative to an alternative lifestyle. They are men who are happily married and attracted to their wives, but they are also attracted to other men. They refer to it as Same Sex Attraction… not gay.

My Husband is not gay

What you may not know is that these men are all involved with North Star’s Voices of Hope project and you can get a video preview of the cast of ‘My Husband’s Not Gay’ there.

Jeff and Tanya Bennion

Jeff and Tanya Bennion

 

BROWNS

Curtis and Tera Brown

Dahlgren

Preston and Megan Dahlgren

I’d be more disgusted if they weren’t so darned cute.

If nothing else, please share with others how demoralizing and dismissive this is of those women.

Nobody with daughters wants this for their girls.

Try not to focus on how childish, idiotic and brainwashed (and adorable) the men appear, but focus on how the women are being duped and manipulated. Don’t get me wrong, nobody has forced them into the life they are leading. They have been “drugged” to believe this is their best option.

As I’ve said before

Religion is a drug. Like any drug, it will help you escape from reality. It will take away some of the perceived “sting” of existence. It will take the burdens of thought off your shoulders. It will make you feel like you can fly from the ledge, without wings… It will purport to solve life’s most serious problems. The ironic catch is that the very “sting” and the very “problems” religion can solve are merely fabricated “problems” created by the religion itself.

So, why do these men and women stay in relationships like this?

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”  Chuck Palahniuk (American freelance Journalist, Satirist and Novelist. b.1961)

As a father of 3 beautiful girls, I hope that all the little gay boys out there right now will feel enough acceptance and courage to come out before adulthood and to seek out other men rather than my daughters. THAT’s how we fix this problem. We make it safe and acceptable to be who you are.

If you are a gay Mormon married to a straight women, it’s not the gay part that’s the problem.

See Also:

North Star

Voices of Dope

Helping Latter-day Saint Families with LGBT Children

Women Who Marry Gay Men

MLK “Don’t Let Anyone Take Your Manhood”

Mormon Sand Gays

I Should Have Known I Was Gay When

You Could Have Known I Was Gay Because…

 

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“You Can’t Let Anyone Dictate To You How You Should Live”

27 Sunday Oct 2013

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Belonging, Coming Out, Religion, Thought Control, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Leah Remini, Reality television, Religion, Scientology, Television, Thought Control

Words to live by from the “Queen of Queens” Leah Remini on Dancing With the Stars, October 14, 2013.

Leah Remini had been a lifelong member of The Church of Scientology until earlier this year when she extricated herself from it’s clutches. I’m not sure why she hasn’t been more vocal regarding her reasons or the details that made her feel like escape was necessary and/or a positive direction in her life.

Nevertheless on the October 14th show her assigned dance was to be a contemporary piece to the tune of “Roar” by Katy Perry. The theme for the evening was the most important year in the contestant’s life. Leah chose to ask her professional dance partner to choreograph an interpretive number that would tell the story of her escape from those who controlled her puppet strings.

While not the slickest of dances, it was the best dance of the evening in my opinion. I got goosebumps. I could so relate to the imagery and message of this dance. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, “There is an incredible joy and peace that comes from living on the outside in a manner that matches how one feels on the inside.”

Watch. I hope anyone who needs to find their strength and find their power agrees.

roar

See Also:

Scientology-Lite

Leah Remini forced to cut off ties with Scientology friends

Separated from longtime friends and facing hostility from some, “The King of Queens” actress finds the early days of her life after leaving the religion tricky to navigate.

Cult, Shmult (10 Friendly Suggestions)

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Dear Bishop Blog #6 – Random Confessions

31 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Child Custody, Coming Out, Fatherhood, Humor, Mormonism, Shame

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bishop, Brett Bradshaw, Coming Out, Confession, Fatherhood, Gay, Mormon

Dear Bishop.

I’m back! It’s been almost a year since my last confession.

Don’t let the long time-lag fool you, I love me some good ole repentance!  I don’t mean the actual process of repentance but the feeling that comes afterward;  I’m talking about that light, clean and pure feeling that anything wrong I had done was forgotten and fixed.

I miss that.

So, here goes…

  • I’ve been living under a rock apparently. I just heard this song, Same Love, yesterday for the first time and LOVE IT. I love the message. I love the juxtaposition of the hip hop of the male with the melodic vocals of the female. I just love everything about it. Why had I never heard it before? I was apparently hiding under a bushel in the lone and dreary world. As a gay man how could I have not heard this song before? I’m truly regretful Bishop, but as he says in the song, “No freedom till we’re equal.”same love

(Click on the pic for the YouTube video. I’ve printed the lyrics down at the end of this post.)

  • Since my divorce I’ve regularly taken my kids out for “alone time” with me individually. I try to cycle through the four of them about every six months. Sometimes it has been a trip together and other times it it just going out to a movie, dinner or bowling – their choice. I believe I’ve only done it once in the last year. I just completed my first round of the year so I’m getting back on track. I desire all to receive it.
  • Last night in my alone time with my 13 year old daughter I felt not a slight twinge of glee as she voluntarily revealed to me how she felt at having to attend the Women’s meeting of the LDS General Conference with her mother, “It was boring and I didn’t even listen to anything they said…” and then she proceeded to relate her frustration at the Mormon obsession with girls’ shoulders, coffee and her disdain at one day being expected to wear garments. Apparently she was also 1 of two girls who didn’t bear testimony at girls camp weeks ago! I’m sorry bishop that I was smiling and joyful inside that she’s beginning to think for herself. It led to a wonderful discussion about modesty, the Word of Wisdom and the fanaticism she sees in the church. For the first time in her life I got to cautiously share with her what I believe! I’m so proud of her! Power be upon me and my posterity!
  • I found myself lusting after a married man this week, Bishop. Do I get to do any less penance if was a GAY married man? Listen to the Gay Mormon Stories Podcast series on Brett Bradshaw (021-024) and I dare you not to find Brett Bradshaw an irresistible hottie and just a great role model for young gay men. Brett's family Brett BradshawI urge all to receive it.
  • I’m a fully out gay man and yet having moved to a new city recently, there are several colleagues and acquaintances to whom I haven’t come out yet. I still feel some of that old familiar fear because I’m not exactly living in Palm Springs anymore. This is as deep in the Mormon Belt as you can get without actually being in Utah. Let’s put some perspective on it: there are more Mormon Churches here than there are Starbucks. My income is still very tenuous and I don’t feel established enough nor legally supported enough in this locale yet to be able to say, “What the Fuck!” I confess that my self-preservation is currently overpowering my courage. I’ll return and report soon.

What the Fuck

SEE ALSO:

Dear Bishop Blog

Dear Bishop Blog #2 – 10 Random Confessions

Dear Bishop Blog # 3 – Random Confessions

Dear Bishop Blog #4 – Confessions of a Liar

Dear Bishop Blog #5 – Random Media Confessions

MACKLEMORE LYRICS

“Same Love”
(with Ryan Lewis)
(feat. Mary Lambert)

When I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay
‘Cause I could draw, my uncle was, and I kept my room straight
I told my mom tears rushing down my face
She’s like “Ben you’ve loved girls since before pre-k tripping, ”
Yeah, I guess she had a point, didn’t she?
Bunch of stereotypes all in my head.
I remember doing the math like, “Yeah, I’m good at little league”
A preconceived idea of what it all meant
For those that liked the same sex
Had the characteristics
The right wing conservatives think it’s a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don’t know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don’t know

And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can’t change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

If I was gay, I would think hip-hop hates me
Have you read the YouTube comments lately?
“Man, that’s gay” gets dropped on the daily
We become so numb to what we’re saying
A culture founded from oppression
Yet we don’t have acceptance for ’em
Call each other faggots behind the keys of a message board
A word rooted in hate, yet our genre still ignores it
Gay is synonymous with the lesser
It’s the same hate that’s caused wars from religion
Gender to skin color, the complexion of your pigment
The same fight that led people to walk outs and sit ins
It’s human rights for everybody, there is no difference!
Live on and be yourself
When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren’t anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that’s not important
No freedom till we’re equal, damn right I support it

(I don’t know)

And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm

We press play, don’t press pause
Progress, march on
With the veil over our eyes
We turn our back on the cause
Till the day that my uncles can be united by law
When kids are walking ’round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are
And a certificate on paper isn’t gonna solve it all
But it’s a damn good place to start
No law is gonna change us
We have to change us
Whatever God you believe in
We come from the same one
Strip away the fear
Underneath it’s all the same love
About time that we raised up

And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
I can’t change
Even if I try
Even if I wanted to
My love
My love
My love
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
She keeps me warm
Love is patient
Love is kind
Love is patient
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is kind
(I’m not crying on Sundays)
Love is patient
Love is kind

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Gay Mormon Coming Out

22 Friday Feb 2013

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out, Homosexuality, Mormonism

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Coming Out, Gay Lesbian and Bisexual, Mormon

Coming out as a gay Mormon admittedly sucks.

Here’s one guy who is just a little to flippant about the whole thing, which makes me suspect that there’s more going on here than meets the eye. I haven’t quite figured out what that is exactly, but it looks too well produced. It comes across as too comical, almost like a practical joke…or eerily similar to those I am a Mormon ads.

Gay Mormon coming out

I was going to write a long post about it, but then I found this one that said everything I was about to:

gay mormon coming out blog

I have an easy 30 second recipe for Jimmy for how being gay doesn’t suck.

Take out the Mormon.

Voila!

Being gay is awesome! I’m sorry you and your bishop feel differently… Because all you really did was shout from the closet. You didn’t come out of anything. Read about how Mormon Brett Bradshaw managed to actually come out and find love HERE  (other truly compassionate stories HERE. These will help where your bishop failed).

See Also:

Improving Your Image

Mormon Church’s Perception Problem

Coming out of a Closet

Coming out advice

What I Love About Being Gay And Out

Things That Make Me Smile #2 (see the George Takei method of coming out at the bottom)

 

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Mormon Sand Gays

11 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out, Homosexuality, Mormonism, Religion

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Gay, Homosexuality and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, LGBT, Mormon, Mormonism, North Star

Isn’t it so awesome that the Mormon Church is giving permission to its members to love their gay family and friends!!!! We can now be welcomed with “compassion” and “open arms” … as long as we act straight.

I’ve been quite preoccupied in my new location for reasons I’ll get into in another post. I’m bummed that I totally missed out on the dialogue last week regarding the Mormon Church’s new PR effort, the website www.mormonsandgays.org

mormonsandgays

Haven’t figured out what a “SAND” gay is, but that’s besides the point.

Straight liberal Mormons seem thrilled.

Active gay Mormons now have an official voice other than North Star (although it appears to be one in the same).

Gay former Mormons such as myself seem unimpressed or “meh” at best.

There is so much that I wanted to say about it, but I feel like the hour to give a timely reaction has passed. So, I won’t.

But if by chance you are wondering why I’m not just bowled over in joy nor feeling the love, visit the best commentary on the Mormons’ new site done by way of a parody site www.mormonsandnegroes.org

mormonsandnegroes

Really. Go look at it and compare. It’s priceless. Imagine you are in pre-1978 Mormondom and enjoy.

Go now. Check it out.

Get it now?

My own reaction to the Mormon Sand Gays site as it best coincides with my experience of being a gay Mormon can best be summed up by a quote from Frederick Douglas:

I prayed for freedom for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.

As a postscript… I’ve long been a fan of Dan Pearce’s blog Single Dad Laughing. When I first chanced upon his site over a year ago I just loved his writing voice and connected with his story. I suspected that he was a former Mormon too. He is.

Then a year ago he wrote an awesome post called “I’m Christian unless you’re gay.” Then, a month ago he came out. Check all that out too.

single dadlaughing

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You Could Have Known I Was Gay Because…

26 Wednesday Sep 2012

Posted by dadsprimalscream in Coming Out, Homosexuality, Mormonism, Porn, Shame

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Gay, Gay Lesbian and Bisexual, gaydar, Homosexuality, Mormon, Religion and Spirituality

As homosexuality has become a more easily talked about topic, it has slowly become demystified. But even today people wonder how you can really tell if someone is gay.

“It takes one to know one” though true, seems unhelpful.

Gaydar seems to be an intuitive gift rather than a definable skill. Therefore, we’re left with well-meaning straight folks who offer tips on how to tell if your boyfriend or husband is gay. Sometimes they seem silly. Often they seem way off the mark…to me.

For the most part, I haven’t really seen myself in any of these descriptions because what they often list are indications that the husband is a liar or cheater. They describe a man on the down-low. The listed tell-tell signs rarely hit at the core issue, the homosexuality. It’s true that living in the closet naturally entails some form of deceit, but for the man such as myself who never really admitted it to himself until much later in life evidence of adultery isn’t necessarily the major indicator.

We all deal with our homosexuality in different ways. For example, one often repeated red flag is that the expression of homophobia is a sign of latent homosexuality. I don’t think I was ever verbally or physically homophobic towards others.  If someone was waiting around for me to become violent or verbally abusive towards gay men they probably would have had to wait a long while. I was still gay. The fact that I was so rigidly closeted is itself an indication that I was drastically homophobic towards myself, but I really don’t think others witnessed much of it.

As a father of daughters I certainly wouldn’t want one of them to end up unwittingly marrying a closeted gay man like their poor mother did. So hopefully this list of mine helps someone see behind the mask. Even better, hopefully this list would help some poor boy or man already wearing a mask to realize that it’s futile and damaging.

I’m not going to pretend that the following description applies to many other people, but this is a considered look back inside the way I behaved when I was trying to change or hide my own homosexuality. The point in time I’m addressing is before I admitted it to myself, so it may not apply to boyfriends or husbands who know but just aren’t comfortable with it yet. I’m certainly not proud of the ways I behaved as described below. Hopefully someone else can benefit.

Perhaps you could have know I was gay because of  …

My Overcompensating

This will look different depending on the individual, but for me here’s what my overcompensating looked like:

I dated a lot. I kissed most of my dates/girlfriends. We made out and petted, but my stopping before it went too far was easy and effortless. In other words I played the field but with very little follow-through. I dated attractive women who were like straight trophies for me. By that I mean that it didn’t really matter what we had in common. They were interesting to me because they made me appear more straight. Some of my girlfriends and I had very few interests in common other than Mormonism – including my wife.

Once I finally met my wife I lavished attention on her. I met her after she had already received her mission call and we only dated a few weeks before she left. I wrote EVERY DAY on her mission even with her only writing me once a week at best. I did that for 18 months. I was 28 by this time and I think I sensed that this was my last shot at a Celestial Marriage. But looking back, my behavior was uncomfortably extreme. Of course every woman wants attention, but it was desperation trying to seem romantic. It obviously worked, but it shouldn’t have because it was too over the top…to the point of being too good to be true.

My Hyper-Religiousness

Another act of desperation for me to convince myself and God that I was straight was my intense interest in religiosity. I was the Deacon, Teacher, Priest that had all the right answers during lessons and who showed up on time to prepare the sacrament. I’m one of the few who read the Book of Mormon before my mission. I was the Seminary President who memorized all the Scripture Mastery verses. I was the obedient missionary, keeping all the mission rules, studying every day and leaving the house at the right time. Later, I did my home teaching each month and I read the scriptures EVERY day. I initiated family and couple prayer. I did not cuss, drink and I fulfilled my church assignments with enthusiasm. While such acts are rewarded and praised in the Mormon system they are also indicative of internal shame.

It’s the people who feel that they have the most to be forgiven for who are the ultra religious but least spiritual ones like I was. It’s another manner of overcompensating.

My display of seemingly random anger or depressive episodes

It is exhausting to maintain an outward persona that differs from the inner person. Over time the effort embeds bitterness, cynicism and sadness into the soul. While I could be described as pleasant, cheerful, likable and easy to get along with most of the time there were a few episodes when the cork flew off the bottle with a force that certainly didn’t match the situation. Fortunately I didn’t take it out on my wife or kids, but I once came unglued at a boy who started picking on my toddler in our condo courtyard. It was over the top and uncalled for. I also became uncharacteristically reclusive at times as time wore on and it just became tiresome interacting with people who didn’t know the real me…the one I knew they wouldn’t accept if they really knew.

Everyone has their own baseline of expected personality traits and happiness. It’s when there are uncharacteristic dramatic shifts and outbursts that something deep down is off-kilter.

Being caught with questionable pictures of men (soft or hard porn)

Straight men don’t accidentally stumble on shirtless pictures of men… and keep looking at more. Both my mother and my ex-wife at different times caught me with such pictures and should not have accepted the lame excuses and explanations I provided.

Actually I’m not even certain it was my Mom. As a teenager in the pre-Internet days I had  gotten my hands on a Playgirl magazine and kept it hidden in my room. One night I came home from my part-time job and it was lying on my bed carefully placed so that I knew that someone knew that I liked men. It was so beautifully passive-aggressive that it could only have been my Mom. No word was ever spoken and no confrontation ever took place.

Later as a married man my wife saw a picture of a shirtless man in some random e-mail I’d gotten. It wasn’t too hard to explain away as spam, but you don’t get spam like that without a reason.

Being caught checking out other men in public

I rarely got caught, but an observant friend or partner surely would have been able to catch me sneaking a look at boys or men if they knew what to look for. Seeing an attractive male and lusting in my heart was a constant “thorn in my side” my whole life. Being in a crowd was seriously torturous and thrilling at the same time. I soon learned I could only look twice if the male was with an opposite sex partner, so that it could appear as if I were looking at the female. My ex-wife, in fact, accused me several times of ogling another woman, when it had actually been her boyfriend or husband that caught my eye.

Do you want to find out if your partner is gay? Take your suspect to Disneyland and watch his line of sight all day. What catches his gaze?

 Our sex life was … meh…

Almost every list of how to recognize a gay husband lists his lack of interest in sex. That didn’t apply to me. Since I was committed to living a straight Mormon life, married sex was the only sex I was going to get.  So, to me OK sex was better than no sex. Even being gay I was far more interested in sex with my ex-wife than she ever was with me. But perhaps that’s because I just wasn’t all that good at it. Sex was mechanical…doing what I thought would please her but having little to nothing about her body that pleased me. Does that make sense?

If I thought (or she told me) that kissing her stomach would turn her on I’d do that, but I was completely lost when it just came to exploring her body to please me. I’m guessing that a straight man likes to touch, kiss and caress certain areas of a woman’s body for his own pleasure…not merely because he knows it will do the trick. I’ve since come to learn that the pleasure of sex is in the exchange of both giving and receiving pleasure simultaneously. Ours wasn’t usually that kind. It was gentle, pleasurable and better than nothing but I think we both sensed something indescribable was missing.

Lying

OK, so I realize it appears that I’m backtracking from my statement in the introduction that not ALL closeted gay men are lying and cheating their way through a marriage. But whether a gay straight-married man is cheating or not, living on the outside in a way that is in-congruent with how he feels on the inside involves some form of lying … even if the lies are mostly being told to himself.

This is perhaps hardest for me to admit because I don’t believe myself to be a liar and I don’t want to say that I lied. But I did. I knew I was attracted to men and I knew deep down that the teaching of the Mormon leaders regarding the issue were clueless and off the mark. I willingly accepted their lie as my own.

The tricky part about lying to oneself about such a major internal part of one’s life is that that man then becomes a great skillful liar. If you find that your loved one is a good liar in seemingly harmless situations, then he’s probably had practice.

My gay mannerisms

Yes, the truth is that I really shouldn’t have been able to fool anyone. Complete strangers   recognized the gay in me long before I ever came out to myself or anyone else. It’s those people closest to me, who had the most already invested in my sexual orientation, that claim to have been shocked. Whether it be facial features, gestures, speech patterns or ring finger length I probably fit the pattern.

Your most accurate assessment is going to be to ask someone who has a lot of gay friends and who has no relationship or previous emotional investment in the answer, “Does he seem gay to you?”

Let’s face it, there are signs. I played with my sister’s dolls as a boy. I loved playing with my Mom’s hair and begged her to put mine in curlers. As a teen I was an enthusiastic member of the Drama Club. My closest friends were girls. I was terrified of closeness with boys. I loved Broadway musicals. I was one of the few Elder on my mission who could play the piano. Additionally, while close male friendships were few and far between for me, the few close male friends I did have over the years were just as obviously closeted gay as I was.

NONE of these alone mean anything at all, but when you add them up together?

See Also:

I Should Have Known I Was Gay When…

GAYDAR: Outside Persona vs. Inner Truth

Gaydar really exists: Scientists prove gay people are more able to pick out fellow homosexuals

The Science of Gaydar

The Science of ‘Gaydar’

How I Learned My Husband Was Gay

Bonnie Kaye’s Official Gay Husband Checklist

Is My Husband GAY?

I Discovered My Husband Was Gay

5 SIGNS YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE REALIZING HE IS GAY

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