Three and a half years ago I posted on this site the details of a conversation I had with a friend of mine. In that conversation I related an experience during my first LDS bishop’s worthiness interview at the age of 11 wherein the bishop taught me how to masturbate.
Recently, due to such stories as mine, a gentleman by the name of Sam Young has started a movement to halt such invasive and inappropriate interviews among LDS youth.
I would encourage you and anyone you may know who may be supportive of this cause to sign the petition, read the stories, or even join their March for Children on March 30, 2018 at the Salt Lake City/County Building.
This is important for anyone even remotely connected to Mormonism, in or out. To illustrate that point, here’s a scene with the recently crowned Best Actress Frances McDormand in her film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri explaining to a catholic priest why he’s culpable regarding the abuse of children even though he personally may never have done anything inappropriate:
You know how it goes when you are exposed to something that you’ve never heard of before and then almost immediately begin to see, read or hear about it everywhere?
That’s how this story starts.
Six months ago I’d never heard of anything like ayahuasca or DMT. Have you?
Then, socializing at a party one day a good friend of mine made a comment about a Peruvian shamanic ceremony that he had recently participated in and I immediately dove deeper with question after question. We were huddled together for over an hour while the rest of the party buzzed around us, him relating snippets of what was obviously a significant experience and me pestering him for more depth of understanding. Even as a confirmed skeptic I was fascinated by his telling of his ayahuasca ceremony experience.
Soon, almost every podcast I listened to, every vlog I watched, every news & magazine article I read seemed to say something about it. After checking and double-checking precautions, possible dangers or side effects I fairly soon made the determination that I was going to participate in an ayahuasca ceremony given my first chance.
If your level of knowledge is where mine was six months ago, let me help.
First, the hype
Many Ayahuasca ceremony participants report life-changing outcomes such as,
…acquiring deeper knowledge of oneself, personal and spiritual development, or healing for a variety of psychological and physiological afflictions, including substance dependencies.
Ayahuasca is a shortcut to the unconscious. It allows for the possibility to relive stressful biographical situations again, and repair them, reorder them. This has tremendous therapeutic value
Many interviewed ritual participants reported spiritual peak experiences that fostered a connection with the divine: a spiritual power or existential values infusing life with meaning, providing a sense of relief from confusion, and promoting feelings of wholeness and inner balance.
Participants of ayahuasca rituals often report insights that enable acceptance of previously denied problems and dysfunctional patterns. The visionary state of consciousness produced by ayahuasca can also provoke reflections on personal relationships which provided the motivation for making the changes necessary to resolve interpersonal problems.
Ayahuasca can also improve treatment of PTSD through enhancing trust and social feelings. In addition to these beneficial core effects, in proper settings it may also elicit “moral lessons” with subsequent relief and redemption.
Or as William S. Burroughs put it in a letter to Allen Ginsberg collected in the book, ”The Yage Letters” about his ayahuasca experience in Panama in 1953, ”I experienced first a feeling of serene wisdom so that I was quite content to sit there indefinitely.”
Ayahuasca ceremonies originate in the Amazon basin where a local shaman administers “medicine” to several participants, then sings or plays music called “icaros” while recipients experience a hallucinogenic state. Today in the US, shamans show up all over the country with with varying degrees of authenticity and training. The practice is becoming somewhat of a fad. It has attracted celebrities & soccer moms, but also psychotherapists and scholars.
The ayahuasca brew is made from the bark of a vine which grows in the Amazon called Banisteriopsis caapi and leaves of a shrub called Psychotria viridis. It is all boiled down, reduced and filtered into a thick tea. DMT is generally considered the main psychoactive active ingredient and it typically lasts 4 – 8 hours. It’s usually a nighttime ceremony among a group of participants with a shaman and a few assistants.
Book-ending the hallucinogenic state, vomiting is usually experienced immediately before and napping soon after. The experience itself, however, varies from participant to participant. For some, ayahuasca is often referred to as “grandmother Ayahuasca” referring to the wisdom, compassion and loving gentleness that the medicine tends to embody. For others “Vine of the Dead” is a nickname conjuring up frightening images darkness, torment and ghosts.
What it is not
Ayahuasca is not a religion. While many people describe the experience as spiritual and with a vocabulary of faith-like terms, there is no dogma, creed or prophets of ayahuasca. There’s no need to “believe” anything to partake, just an interest in participating and succumbing.
It is not a panacea for all physical, psychological or emotional ailments. Very limited studies have found measurable benefits for sufferers of PTSD, anxiety, addiction, and psychological trauma such as childhood abuse. But, there are conditions and character traits incompatible with this experience.
It’s not a recreational drug. It is best experienced under the guidance of a trained, experienced shaman using quality, reliable and pure ayahuasca. Consider also the integration or aftercare of an ayahuasca experience. Some may want to involve a knowledgeable therapist in their pre and post-ceremony approach.
It’s not for everyone. If you can’t immediately think of something about yourself that could be addressed in such an intense, focused way you should probably not bother.
I finally did get to participate in a ceremony and for me it was extremely positive and devoid of any sort of torment.
My experience
My ayahuasca experience consisted of a full weekend with two separate administrations of ayahuasca. This happened locally at the above-mentioned friend’s house (I’ll call him Steve) about 5 miles from my home. He invited the same shaman who had conducted Steve’s first ceremony in another US city earlier in the year.
Our shaman (I’ll call him Sergio) was an experienced, South American-trained musician and ayahuasca scholar from the midwest.
On Thursday night about 15 of us all got together to meet the shaman and his 3 assistants and to get an overview of our weekend. I already knew about 8 of these invited guest. The others were friends of Steve’s I’d never met before. In addition to the shaman’s presentation, we all introduced ourselves and stated what our intention was for participating in the ceremony.
My stated intention was to address the latent shame that hovers with me from being a gay ex-Mormon divorced father. Many of us were gay or exmormon in the group so similar intentions were expressed around the room.
We all returned the next day at about 7 pm on Friday. We set up our pads, sleeping bags and pillows around the room with buckets and Kleenex at the foot of each station. At the head of the room the shaman set up a table with the medicine, tools and various musical instruments. We each had a one on one meeting with Sergio’s assistant to discuss dosage and intentions.
By about 8:30 the shaman began. Most of us reclined or sat at our stations in a meditative attitude as the shaman ceremoniously cleansed the room with tobacco and sage. At some point, our serving of ayahuasca was presented in a small Dixie cup. Mine was about 2/3 full and I drank it down in one gulp like a shot. It had the consistency of molasses without the stickiness. The aroma and taste was of the exotic plant and root based brew that it is. Our shaman had previously assured us that the concoction was genuine and safe, having been shipped directly from his personal Peruvian contact.
At least an hour passed as I lie there anticipating….something. One by one, a few participant began purging into their buckets. I still felt nothing. At some point Sergio invited us to partake of a second dose of ayahuasca and I agreed. Within seconds of taking my second tiny dose I began to vomit into the bucket.
I hate throwing up, but this felt different. It actually felt cathartic and cleansing like I was wiping off my dirty windshield and allowing myself to see clearly through the lense of grandmother ayahuasca. I immediately began to feel cold and tingly but peaceful. Sergio began playing some sort of mandolin-like instrument that sounded other worldly and for a short time I saw meaningless shapes and caricatures spinning and shape-shifting. Then, it was as if stepped into another world and I felt as if I were being welcomed into a state of intense pure bliss and clarity.
I wasn’t frightened in the least. Instead, I felt an excitement that I was getting to know something or somewhere that had long been held from my view. It’s as if I were suddenly in an elite club and it was grand and marvelous.
The challenge now is to explain in words that can’t even remotely do justice to the actual lived experience. I remember seeing images, hearing sounds and feeling emotions that hearkened me back to some movie, play, song, or piece of art and thinking, “So THIS is where they got that idea!”
After this initial introductory experience I went through a period of time that the sounds in the room around me coming from other participants distracted me and pulled me out of the experience. So, I kept having to relax, concentrate and let myself back in, but I was continually frustrated by the ambient sounds. I kept getting distracted and pulled out of the beautiful world I was in.
At some point, the visions and activity mellowed out a bit. Nothing was happening TO me but I was still in that world. So, I was able to guide my experience and make some decisions about what I wanted.
I first chose to see my kids and so I was immediately taken to their presence. I saw each of them individually and sensed the energy from their souls. For some of them it was easier to sense than from others strangely enough. I saw my baby girl and immediately sense a young woman full of joy and potential. I didn’t get any energy or angst coming from her so I moved on knowing she was OK. I felt a powerful amount of love from and towards each one of my kids. I saw the beauty of their inner selves, at least enough of it that I didn’t violate any privacy or boundaries. That love was intense and I likewise had the experience of seeing that their goodness stems from both me and their mother. I felt an enormous sense of gratitude towards their mother and for the part of creation that we both took part in. I wanted her to have the same intense gratitude for our kids and who they are.
I next chose to see my mother who has been deceased for 15 years. She died before I ever came out or left Mormonism. Like with my kids, I experienced a powerful amount of love and compassion towards my mother. It’s hard to explain, but I also saw her humanity… that like me she was just a human trying to do her best. Without thinking I blurted out to her, “Thank you for dying and paving the way for me to come out and live the rest of my life authentically and in peace. I love you and will forever be grateful for that sacrifice.” Of course, my mother’s death had nothing to do with me and that was such an odd and new thought to me, but I have to admit that I would never have likely come out and left Mormonism with my Mom alive and I somehow sensed that she knew that. The compassion and love that I felt with her was overwhelming.
After this experience, I was again left to select what I wanted to do. At that point I chose to revisit critical times in my life where I could have made a different decision. I got to live out my regrets and twist them into actionable items. In my vision I made the other decision. For example, I chose to date a guy in my first year of college rather than to suppress my feelings. I let my high school crush know that I was crushing on him. I chose not to go on a mission. Some of this was a struggle but still cathartic and healing to experience. I know it wasn’t actually happening, but with grandmother ayahuasca it FELT real and that’s where I believe the healing comes in.
Those are the highlights of my first night with ayahuasca. By about 4 am we were all napping and then at 8 am we shared a healthy breakfast before meeting together again to share the details of our first ayahuasca ceremony.
While there were 19 of us in the room, each of our experiences were unique and separate. A beautiful side effect of the medicine was to feel connected and loving towards all the others with whome we were sharing that experience.
By about 11 am we all went back to our respective homes to relax for the day. I spent the day thinking, sleeping and caring for myself with a facial mask, bubble bath, etc. I still felt a lightness and clarity about me – perhaps the “hangover” from the medicine. It was a beautiful day of self love and self care.
Then, by 7 pm on Saturday we all returned to do the ceremony one more time. They say grandmother ayahuasca knows us and knows the experience we need and that’s why each experience is so different.
My second night was NOTHING like the first, but I think the medicine knew I needed that positive uplifting experience before I got down to do the real work of healing. My stated intention for the second night was similar to the first as I didn’t feel like the first night really addressed the shame or struggles in my life. This time grandmother ayahuasca thought I was ready.
The ceremony started out the same as the first night. I asked for a slightly higher dose as I felt I was too easily pulled out of the world on my first night’s experience. I had also prepared slightly better. I bought some earplugs to help block the ambient noise, a face mask to not get distracted by changes in lighting and extra clothes to keep me warmer. I also moved my position in the room away from the noisier participants.
Again, it took a while for grandmother to arrive but when she did I was greeted with purging and similar visuals and sensations to the first night. Except this time, at some point in my introduction to the ayahuasca world I felt attacked by a dark force. I wasn’t really afraid at this point as I was aware that I was in ceremony and that this was part of the process. It became a psychological battle of sorts where this evil force was trying to communicate with me and I was fighting it.
I knew exactly what it was. Five years ago I shared on my blog that I had been sexually abused in my adolescence. You can read part I here and part II here. To be honest I have dealt with this issue in counseling and wasn’t feeling especially needy of addressing it anymore. It wasn’t why I chose to participate in an ayahuasca ceremony, but I also knew it was a possibility that it would come up if grandmother ayahuasca so chose.
She chose.
This war took me on a tour of my sexual abuse and the sexual molestation in my extended family and then in generations past and further into the psychological mutation of sexual abuse in the evolution of man. I saw those who had given into the mutation and cursed them for not being stronger. I then confronted “IT” and had a battle where I proudly and defiantly declared it that it never got ME and that I won by protecting my kids from it. I knew in that moment that I was a better man for having done so and for conquering that evil strain of sexual mutation in my family. It was almost like a chest-thumping primal experience to feel like I’d beat the shit out of that evil.
I won in the sense that it doesn’t have me and it doesn’t have my kids. I protected them. And can say I faced it, resisted and am better for having done so. I needed to feel that power…that this pansy-ass gay boy is braver than the darkness. That I was man enough to face it and to resist it was an indescribable privilege.
During this struggle I was sitting up with the purge bucket between my legs, rocking back and forth. I imagine that I was the one making the noises at that time, but no one said anything or complained. When the struggle was nearing the end, the shaman sat with me lightly patting my back as I came down from the battle. At some point he held me in his lap for a couple of minutes and then laid me down so that he could sit by me and sing one of his unique icaros to me. It was beautiful and so, so powerful.
This. was. life. changing.
The night wasn’t even half over at this point and the rest of the night gave me additional insight into myself and the way I present myself in the world. I heard a voice at one point say, “Pretense is the enemy” and that phrase kept being repeated over and over again. Grandmother ayahuasca made it clear to me that being fake or inauthentic was poisonous to me, that my best life was to be lived without pretense. I still have that mantra in my head and in my heart and I believe it will be a guide for me throughout my life.
What I’ve related is probably about 1/2 of everything that I gained and learned from the ayahuasca experience. Afterwards I was raw and emotional, quite a contrast to the insight and clarity I had felt the previous morning. But still, it wasn’t a bad, bruised and damaged sort of raw. It was more of a healing, scab-is-gone, now you are stronger sort of raw that made me feel both insignificant and powerful in the universe all at the same time.
Like I said, this sort of process will not be for everyone, but it seemed to have been tailor-made for me and I’m a better man for having done it. I feel like I was able to clean up some emotional and psychological trash. I would do it again although I would most certainly wait 6 months to a year before joining another ceremony.
I welcome respectful thoughts, questions and reactions. Please don’t hesitate to reach out by commenting or e-mailing me privately.
I’m also adding some additional information with links below:
Ayahuasca Overview
Positive Effects
mild to extreme mood lift, euphoria
ego softening / ego loss
oceanic feeling of connectedness to the universe
feelings of love and empathy
a sense of inner peace and acceptance of self, others, and the world
profound life-changing spiritual experiences
emotional healing / mentally therapeutic
claimed physical healing (such as anti-cancer effects)
Neutral Effects
sedation
strong visions; some typically reported include snakes, big cats, insectoid aliens, female goddesses
meaningless visual “noise”
auditory hallucinations / sound distortions
altered sense of space and time
increased likelihood of embracing magical thinking, paranormal ideation
Negative Effects
nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, body aches, sweats/chills (alternating), and other flu- or food poisoning-like symptoms, much less common after multiple experiences
Thank you to my readers who nominated me and then voted for me in the 2017 Brodie Awards. My blog post “Taking Back My Power” won for Best Discussion on Parenting.
I’m especially honored because I really haven’t written much this past year. I’m still around. As this blog’s name implies, my writing has been an amazingly effective way to release angst and frustration, but the less angst I feel over time the less impulse I have had to write.
As the saying goes, it has gotten better!
I don’t delude myself into thinking anyone’s out there regularly pondering “What happened to Dads Primal Scream?” But for anyone reading this who is now where I was 12 years ago it might be helpful to hear how some things have changed.
First, referring back to my “Taking Back My Power” blog post mentioned above, the party mentioned was extremely successful. I had about 30 – 40 friends stop by to help me welcome my son home from his mission. I was a little disappointed that none of his Mormon friends or family came but my kids were all there. They were gracious and kind to all my gay and ex-Mormon friends. I was so proud of them. My son greeted everyone with a hug and socialized cheerfully. I highly recommend this sort of celebration to fellow outcasts. Make your own party rather than fretting over the treatment you’ll get at the tradition events.
I could never have imagined this 12 years ago.
Secondly, I have two adult kids now living at home ages 18 and 20. It’s been a challenge figuring out how to treat them and what my expectations should be. The big news out of all of this is that my ex-wife and I talked (well, it was more like e-mailed and texted) and put together some rules and expectations for our adult children living at home, most of which we agreed upon together. Then, we took the two kids to lunch and gave them copies of the document and got their feedback. In 12 years of divorce, this is only the second time my ex-wife and I have sat down together and presented a united front to our kids. It’s pretty monumental. The first time was 10 years ago after she won the move-away court battle and much less congenial.
I continue to have my minor children 50% of the time and the older ones stay when and where they want. One ends up with me most of the time, and the other one tends to sleep more at his Mom’s. We’re only a mile apart so they still spend time at each house.
I joke that my weekends with my kids are spent being “Uber-Daddy,” driving them to and from events, friends’ homes, etc. The older ones haven’t really materialized into reliable resources to help with that like I fantasized that they would. They have their own jobs, activities and busy lives.
All my kids show love and respect towards me. Two of them tend to lean more towards Mormonism and the other two don’t. They see it as a boring interruption to their lives and have expressed doubt to me. If I’m being honest it doesn’t even matter as much to me anymore which way they lean. Even the ones who are active in church bring their friends around my home. Their friends all know I’m gay and not LDS and it doesn’t seem to matter. Weekend friend gatherings and sleepovers still happen at my home.
Personally I’ve been doing really well at work. Financially I’m in a good place and not living in a constant state of desperation and anxiety like I used to. My income has increased and child support has decreased with each kid turning 18.
I’ve been dating more. I’m finally able to have guys over with my kids also around and to arrange dates on my kid weekends so that has helped. No one I’m dating is a keeper yet, but I’m not really stressed out about it like many guys I know. I suffer from a rare condition of not really minding being alone. Of course I’d love to find someone I’m compatible with, who lights my fire and with whom I can share an amazing future with, but it hasn’t happened yet.
My happiness, contentment and peace isn’t dependent on that elusive guy.
I had a life-changing experience recently, an experience which merits its own blog post. Coming soon! I continue to hold a deep sense of gratitude, insight and personal power from this experience so I can’t wait to write about it and get reactions.
Not only does it get better but the growth that comes from those extremely challenging, tense and troubled times of failed relationships, divorce, coming out, professional failures, leaving the faith of my fathers and feeling so very alone and emasculated in this life has nourished a garden of wonderful relationships, strength and peace.
I had an enlightening weekend attending my first Affirmation Conference in Provo Utah. After 12 years of being an out gay ex-Mormon I was invited by friends to attend this conference because of the powerful affect it has had upon them and the friendships it had fostered.
For those who don’t know, Affirmation is a gay organization for Mormons and former Mormons. It’s not too hard to imagine that getting gay Mormons and gay ex-Mormons together is an exercise of epic proportions where each side maintains vastly different ideas of how one should approach Mormonism. The similarities that bring them together in Affirmation is that, unlike North Star, Affirmation recognizes and affirms all life paths as valid and worthy regardless of church affiliation. North Star is faith-based which really only validates 2 options for gay Mormons:
Celibacy
Mixed orientation marriage
Affirmation also includes folks living those two life choices, but it further encompasses divorced gay fathers like me, young gays who are actively dating and hope to marry one day, currently married gay couples, single sexually active homosexuals, trans and bisexual folks as well as other folks representing all the initials in LGBTQ+ acronym.
While North Star is primarily faith affirming, Affirmation is primarily LGBTQ+ affirming.
I had the good fortune of meeting some pioneers of Affirmation and learning a bit of the history of that organization. These are people who paved the way for homosexuals with a Mormons background and who lived life on their own terms. I don’t think enough is said about gay history in general, but Mormons and ex-Mormons certainly know very little homosexuality in their culture. I’m hoping to change that by posting a little of that here.
If you are interested, you may want to start out with some important primer information:
Please follow the link below to the gay-dads.org blog to read a conversation between four fathers and how they have stepped up to their parenting challenges.
Edit Note: This post won a 2017 Brodie Award for Best Discussion on Parenting!
Thank you to all who voted.
It has been 2 years since my son left for his Mormon mission to South America. His farewell was one of the worst moments of my life.
Nothing about his decision diminished my love for him, but his leaving and the events surrounding it left me feeling discarded and misunderstood. At his farewell in particular, I sat on the church pews listening to him pontificate on his assigned speaking topic, something about having a righteous family. Of course, that led to mentions of Jesus being the only way and how important it was that his mom had taught him about all things Jesus and Mormon.
I was just an invisible unnecessary placeholder in his eternal quest for the self-congratulatory eternal family. I was ignored completely in that sermon on family.
It hurt.
It hurt a lot, but I swallowed it and moved forward maintaining a loving stance.
I’ve e-mailed him each week religiously. He tells me that his companions and other missionary friends rarely get letters from their fathers. I find it fascinating how those more Mormon, but rather self-absorbed and negligent fathers are institutionally seen as better than me.
They wear the right underwear.
My e-mails have usually been full of the latest details about our family, me and his sisters. I always tried to include a healthy amount of humor. I’d send jokes or the latest memes because I know how somber and dreadfully serious everything can be on a mission.
But now that he’s coming back I’ve been dreading the same sort of snubbing at homecoming events that I experienced when he left.
So, I’ve decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to take my power back. I’ll be hosting my own welcome back party for him. I’ll be inviting my gay and ex-Mormon friends and he can invite whomever he wants. The focus will be on our joy to have him back. That’s it. I’ve run it by him and he has agreed!! I’m very excited.
I don’t want to just place my address out there on the web, but if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area on August 26 please message me and I’ll link you to the invitation. You are invited. This is the invitation without those details. What do you think?
Misfits and Mormons: Mission Homecoming Open House
When: August 26, 2017 6:00 – 9:00 PM
My Son is coming home from his mission to Chile! Please come celebrate my son’s mission return at an open house style party at my home.
I realize this is a rather odd invitation since none of you know my son and only a few of you even know me. Read and consider coming anyway.
In the 2 years that have passed I’ve met so many fellow gay Mormons and apostate Ex-Mormons that you are like family to me. So, instead of feeling left out and ignored at the typical homecoming events, I’ve decided to create my own event to celebrate my happiness to have my son back. He has agreed to participate and he will invite whomever he wants.
My son and I have a great relationship with mutual love and respect.
Join us if you can support that and help me create a safe, welcoming demilitarized zone between his believing Mormon friends and those of us who have stepped beyond it.
This event is rated PG
• Casual
• No Preaching
• No criticizing or judging
• LGBT friendly
• Mormon friendly
• Apostate friendly
• No alcohol (But there’s a really cool beer and wine bar nearby that you can stop by afterwards or on your way!)
No hard end time but I’ve made it early enough that you can still go out and enjoy your Saturday night, or stick around and talk!
Come if you fit into any of these categories and bring someone who fits another one: Mormon, Ex-Mormon, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Queer, RM, Chilean, unicorn.
We will feast upon sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.
“There’s no manual for parenthood,” new mothers and fathers are constantly reminded.
Well, there’s much less information on divorced parenthood, much less for divorced gay parenthood. I certainly didn’t know what to expect or how to proceed eight years ago.
I just knew I loved my kids and that I wasn’t scared of taking care of them alone.
Of course, I knew there were numerous guys like me out there, but I didn’t know a single one in person. There are online groups for every subset of any culture and I connected with as many as I could: gay fathers, gay Mormons, ex-Mormons and Utah gay fathers but each one seemed not to quite meet something unique about my situation. I didn’t live in Utah, or the gay fathers were the kind that adopted as a gay couple – they didn’t have to share custody with an ex-wife, etc.
Taking one giant leap into the abyss…I did my best. Here are some things I learned. Some are trivial and some are more profound. I’m sure they will not fit your situation exactly either but you can modify accordingly. At the time of my divorce I had four kids ages 1, 3, 6 and 8 so my comments are geared to those with younger children:
Get a lawyer! I didn’t. We used a church acquaintance who was a paralegal and she was going to save us money because we had mostly agreed on everything already. She just wrote up the papers that we both signed. It was all fine for about a year, until my ex wanted to move out of state with the kids. Then, I got screwed and it all comes back to that initial divorce, custody and child support agreement. I don’t care how friendly things are now, get a lawyer to help preserve your rights as a father at this initial step.
Fight for 50/50 legal and 50/50 physical custody. If you settle for anything less right now it will be very unlikely that you can get it back. A vagina gets the default advantage in even the most progressive courthouses. Don’t enable that by crippling yourself.
This is what it feels like to walk into a courthouse in any family law situation.
This small matter is the one mistake I made that later allowed her to fairly easily leave the state with my kids. I initially settled for a 70/30 physical arrangement because it made the most sense. I had a full-time job. She didn’t. I was earning all the money and, in spite of the high child support payments, she was cheaper than daycare. What I didn’t understand was that this gave her the almost exclusive right to coordinate their physical location. Laws vary by state, but this was in liberal California so I imagine it’s worse elsewhere.
Put it in writing. Write into the divorce or child custody agreement that neither parent can move more than 50 miles from the other. The same thing goes for anything else that’s important to you. Put it in writing.
Keep it away from the kids. Don’t let them see you arranging all of the divorce details with your ex. Don’t discuss it with them especially if they are young.
Get all your things on the first try. When you move out, take ALL of your stuff even if it doesn’t seem important to you now. I’ve gone back to my ex-wife’s home and seen items of mine that I didn’t take initially and it was just weird that she was using them. At that point we were getting along and so I couldn’t just take stuff without talking about it and they weren’t important enough things to argue over at that point… so I just let it go. For example, almost all the church books on her religious sanctuary of a bookshelf were MY books that I read. She rarely reads and I doubt that she’s read them. Strangely enough I wish I’d taken stuff like that and my temple clothes and other miscellaneous things I didn’t think I cared about. You’ll calm down many years later and want your stuff even if it’s to just throw it out yourself.
Be the bigger person. I unintentionally left with items I knew she’d probably want so I willingly returned her stuff – such as pictures with her family or friends in them. I never got the same courtesy, but it helps to know I’m not being petty. I also gave up having to have the last word and so I didn’t always respond to her irrational lashings.
Never say no to a chance to be with your kids more. Oddly enough, from her perspective custody time with me is seen as her doing me a favor and yet she somehow believes that when she has the kids she’s still doing me a favor. She has asked me to take the kids at times when I knew she either just wanted a break or she wanted to travel or had some church thing to attend to. Of course it’s always presented as a favor to me. Early on I set aside caring. If it offered me more time with my kids I said yes, inconvenient or not.
Don’t badmouth the other parent to the kids.This is really hard not to do sometimes because it’s natural to want to argue your case. Just don’t. And don’t let them overhear you doing it either. As horrible and nasty as your ex seems right now, she’s still that child’s mother and an insult to her feels like an insult to the child.
Don’t put the kids in the middle. At one point my ex tried to use the kids to relay information and gather information. I didn’t allow it. As much as you don’t want to talk to the ex, it’s worse if you use the kids as telegraphs. Now that texting is so prevalent, it’s a great alternative to having to call or meet while still being communicative. Don’t allow your ex to set things up as her and the kids against you. It’s her and the kids and it’s you and the kids too.
Take new family pictures with just you and the kids and display them around your home. Once a year we take one of those old-time western photos where you dress up and get an 8 x 10 in sepia tones. It’s a small gesture but one that has helped all of us establish ourselves as a family unit. And they are fun to look back on as shared memories. Also, let them see that you have pictures of them on your desk, in your phone so that they know you are thinking about them when they’re not there.
Give the kids personal space at your new home/apartment. Even the youngest of mine staked out her personal space in each of my new living spaces and I’ve tried to arrange as much of it as I could for them. Even if it’s just their own night stand, a bed or wall that they can decorate to their taste, it will feel much more like home if they’ve had a hand in decorating it.
Allow the kids to benefit from the pluses of divorce if you can find them in your situation. I don’t mean that you should indulge them freely because you feel guilty, but there are obviously costs to divorce that they bear the brunt of more often than not. Allow them to have some bonuses in there too. For example, because my ex isn’t the kind that would ever share holidays, my kids get 2 sets of birthday gifts and cakes, and they enjoy 2 sets of holiday traditions. The kids learned early on that I didn’t know the last time they ate at McDonalds. I bought my kids cell phones earlier than their peers got one because I wanted to be within their reach at all times on a daily basis.
Be consistent when you can. In spite of what I said in #11, there are times when kids need and appreciate consistency. Try to honor bed-times and general house rules. Don’t forego being a Dad for the position of fun uncle. At least not all the time. If rules in your home are dramatically different it can just be frustrating. Now, that being said, I don’t allow my ex to dictate everything that happens in my home either. You must set boundaries but you can talk about how at Dad’s house we follow Dad’s rules and at Mom’s house we follow Mom’s rules.
Stay close to the kids. If it is in your control, don’t move too far away from the kids. If you can’t see them daily, call or Skype every day … Most of these calls are stilted and awkward especially with the younger ones but it’s the regularity that you want to establish whether it’s to say goodnight every night or a quick call when they get home from school.
Have fun! Once my ex moved out of state and I only had the kids on weekends it erased any hesitation I had about being the fun one. Yes, she had to monitor the homework and daily discipline but that was her doing by virtue of her move. Take advantage of the hand you are dealt.
Do nothing sometimes. Don’t feel like you always have to be the entertainer. Let them just be in your shared space sometimes. Just hang.
Let them come out at their own pace. Once you come out to the kids, understand that they too will have their own coming out to their friends and family. Let them do it when/how they are comfortable. As my children have grown, I’ve seen how my laid-back approach to this has helped. I never forced conversations about my being gay, but I never shied away from them either. My teenagers now discuss it freely with their friends and it’s just a matter of everyday life. I was a little worried about this because for the most part I haven’t had boyfriends that they were exposed to. Nothing about my life screams “GAY!” Very little of our time together has been about me being gay… and yet they’re comfortable with it.
Be prepared. Make sure you have the following stored in your car: bottled water, baby wipes, baby powder, spare jackets, hats for everyone, and a blanket. Every single one of these items have saved me numerous times. You will have a crying child asking for water at some point. If you’ve ever had to take a toddler daughter into a public restroom by yourself you’ll understand the baby wipes. There are a gazillion more times you’ll thank me for suggesting them. Baby powder miraculously assists you in wiping off sand and dirt from kids’ feet before they get in the car. A blanket has provided us a place to sit in many a last-minute picnic situation…or when someone got cold.
Stop when they need to pee. I never understood why my ex gets upset with my kids if she’s driving and one of them have to go to the bathroom. Yes, I’ve been there when we just pulled away from home and one of them announced that he/she needed to pee. It was my fault that I didn’t ask before I piled them in the car. Go back or stop at a fast food spot if they need to pee for crying out loud!
Cook for them. Make sure they get good meals and eat decently when they are with you. I have an easily accessible repertoire of meals that I prepare. They’re not with me long enough to tire of them even if I repeat something. A slow cooker (a crockpot) is awesome on days you have to work and then pick up the kids for dinner. Maybe I’ll add a separate blog post on meal suggestions and ideas. I’m no top chef but my kids compliment my cooking and appreciate our sit down dinners.
Make dining out a treat. Taking them out has been my way of exposing them to new cultures and tastes. This works especially well the younger they are. Most restaurants have a kid friendly menu and it enables them to experience foreign tastes. My kids claim they’re the only ones in their school classes who have eaten sushi. Make trying new things a family adventure.
Establish routines and traditions, however trivial. I make the same exact breakfast the first morning the kids are with me. We go camping in June for Father’s Day. All calls end with “I love you.”
Resist the urge to compete with their Mom. Appreciate the love and the fun the kids have with their Mom. My kids honestly have a hard time remembering which parent took them to which movie, or who took them to Disneyland in which year, or who played at the beach with him. As much as you want to believe you are creating a special moment just with you and your child, all the kid really cares about is that she got to go to Disneyland. My kids’ Mom is taking them to Mexico this summer and I needed to go wait in line with them so she could get them passports. Early on I would have scoffed at doing this and felt jealous that I wasn’t the one taking them. Now, I’m glad they’ll have the experience and I’m certain in 10 years they’ll have to think hard to remember which parent took them.
They cannot have too much love. Never prevent your ex-in-laws or new step-parents or anyone from having the chance to love your kids. Even if you can’t stand them and even if you believe they are dissing you to your kids. They cannot have too many adults who love them. Say yes when they want to see your kids or when there’s a special family dinner during YOUR time. It will help when you want some unscheduled time. That said, don’t hesitate to protect them from an individual causing them true harm.
Arrange alone time with each child. I would say this even if you weren’t getting divorced, but kids need to feel that a parent wants to spend time with them alone away from the family group. This can be as simple as going to get an ice cream one afternoon, or as complex as a weekend trip away with just you. These days, my kids will call me and ask me for these alone times. I hope they continue throughout their lives.
Don’t let pride get in the way of reason. There will be times when someone, probably your ex or her family, has treated you so unfairly and unjustly that you can’t stomach seeing them. Do it anyway. Go to kids school plays and sports games even if you are going to run into these people. Make THEM avoid YOU if they must. As the kids grow and mature they’ll notice the difference without you ever saying a word. I always try to get to these things early so that it’s them choosing not to sit near us, rather than vice versa. If I arrive late and my ex and kids are already there I go sit by my kids. In another instance I let my stubbornness and pride cost me 3 months of extra alimony. She had been trying to arrange her second wedding during MY holiday week with the kids, I was incensed and shortsightedly resisted. How could she steal MY time when she already had them 70% of the time?!!? As soon as we got off the phone arguing it dawned on me that a delay in her wedding was more money out of my pocket in alimony! That one foolish, impulsive argument cost me almost $1,000 in total alimony. Needless to say when the wedding did happen I bent over backwards to help. I even traveled to her home and spent a week in her house with the kids so that she could go on her honeymoon with husband #2.
Saw the play Fun Home over the weekend during a getaway in L.A. to celebrate a friend’s 50th birthday. I’m often touched in the theatre, but I rarely cry in the theatre.
I cried on Saturday night. Twice.
As the first Broadway musical with a lesbian protagonist, Fun Home balances humor and tragedy to create an emotional roller-coaster of introspection that left me pondering for days.
First, the little boy inside me cried at the acknowledgement that like Alyson, the protagonist, he saw himself in other gay men at a very young age and knew he was like them. I cried that that little boy felt fear rather than wonder and joy. The song, “Ring of Keys” as performed at the 2015 Tony awards is a beautiful rendition of this pivotal moment for gay youth.
My second moment came near the end when Alyson’s Mom reveals the true extent of her pain in her marriage to Alyson’s Dad, Bruce. He is a closeted gay man who has created a life of deception and untruth for those around him. The song “Days and Days” provides a window into the wife’s pain and hopelessness. I cried both in empathy for my ex-wife and in gratitude that I stopped it before it got this bad. I came out and we divorced in time for both of us to have a life.
I’m so happy that I have renewed my season tickets for the traveling Broadway shows in my area to see this touching play again.
(I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this post in response to the recent “gay relationships are counterfeit” controversy)
The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).
The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized. Don’t get me wrong! I’m the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically. I’m the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, “Sweetheart, come on. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS.”
But there’s also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0. We aren’t living authentically either. And our suffering and scars aren’t seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain.
And if you’re just joining this conversation: No. It is not just about sex. And regardless, sex is important and crucial. But THE THING that it’s about for us (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse) is the Intimacy. Lemme know if you don’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I’ll write another post just for you. I’ll even address it to you… “Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~”
I have some very visceral commentary on this, hopefully, I can be articulate and, as always, my intent is to be affecting.
I’m getting ahead of myself (the visceral). Article by General Authority:
First off~
The title of the article is The War Goes On. Nothing subtle about that.
War.
Goddamn Fucking Serious.
Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.
You know, war.
And then, but of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy. And he’s gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! And ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church. So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.
Don’t get comfortable yet, ’cause here comes paragraph 4:
“Thankfully, God’s plan triumphed over Satan’s lies.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And in case you forgot, that meant Jesus made that sacrifice dying for our sins, because we’re all pieces of shit.
(I’m walking you through the beginning of the article to prep you. It’s all build-up, people.)
Then our dude goes into the ways Satan operates.
We get to point number 2, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.
“Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites. The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23).”
We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way…? Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories of acceptance of a LGBTQ kid by a member of the church?
Okay, so if you haven’t buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now.
I’m gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse… in no uncertain terms, like a big ol’ gay dick smacking you across the face.
Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality.
Darkness.
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit.
These vulnerable, naïve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things.
But the straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview.
Nor does the straight spouse understand that their own sexuality will be shoved into a closet.
Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to…(ready for this?)…survive. There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy- the lack of being caressed, the void of hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, the absence of a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact and devours your heart.
Look, I’m not really talking about marriage. I’m talking about connection and romantic love. I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time. But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there.
So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-
Darkness… Gray… All the time. Everyday. And I was living the ‘gospel’. I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony. That shit was legit.
So… tell me. Why the gray?
Was my marriage edifying? My friendship with g’ex was, yes. But the marriage? Naw. Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying. It breaks you.
The ‘lasting happiness’ part of the article? Fuck me… The ‘lasting’ sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground (firm foundation, as it were) to begin with.
The worthless part. Oh my god. This one makes my head spin.
You Mormons out there… Hey, y’all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah? You getting this? GA’s subtext: LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.
Obviously, my mind goes to the bona fide, irrefutable love that two properly matched humans can experience. But, hey, you know what else couldn’t be further from worthless? Being desired.
I’ve had one nighters… (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride… also, hi, mom). I’ve been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with. A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept. But… worthless experience.
And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument: marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the ‘gospel’. If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I’d pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:
My marriage was counterfeit.
My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit.
Do you have any idea what it’s like to live in a counterfeit way?
If you do, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I deteriorated. Breathing hurt. Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self. I was not an example to anyone of how to live. My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad.
And I absolutely was suicidal at a point.
Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own. Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom. And fuck that.
Mormons, your leaders’ hyperbole and your religion’s teachings are irresponsible, self-serving, and…
I have been utterly ruined for today. I am useless at work, and that’s a problem. I really do have an awful lot that I ought to be accomplishing, but I can’t shut it off. I can’t stop ruminating about the things that I’ve been seeing and hearing and experiencing over the last few years.
The Ensign article (page 32) that hit the fan yesterday (and yes…I am insinuating that the article fits into the category of things that hit the fan) has stirred up so many emotions for me.
“Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although [Satan’s] imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness.”
These are really, really strong emotions that I’ve been wrestling with for such a long time. So, I’m posting in the hopes that I can release some of that emotion, and maybe move on today to accomplish more of what I desperately need to accomplish!!!
Counterfeit marriage…just imagine this conversation (some of us won’t struggle to imagine at all, because we experienced the conversation ourselves.):
Frightened young man: Bishop, I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I think I might be gay. I’m attracted to other men, and it scares me. I hate it. I feel awful, but I don’t know how to make it stop. Please…please help me. What do I do?
Bishop: I am so sorry to hear that. I don’t know exactly what to say, but I do know this. Our Father in Heaven loves you. He wants you to be happy. If you will obey His commandments, he will bless you and you will find joy. You need to follow the commandments and do everything that you have been asked to do and then everything will be alright. When you marry a righteous woman in the temple, your problems will resolve themselves. As you follow God’s laws and do what He expects you to do, He will bless you and strengthen you, and you will be able to have the joy that is promised, both in this life and in the next. I know that this is the way to happiness. It is the plan that was laid out for each of us before we came to earth. Stay strong and true to your covenants. Don’t give in to the temptations that you face. Be careful as you choose with whom you will associate, and don’t ever talk openly about these issues. There is grave danger in flirting with sin and you will lead yourself into terrible situations if you interact with others who share your same weakness. Be careful and be obedient.
Young man: You really think that it will be ok? If I get married I’ll be alright?
Bishop: I know it. The Lord has given us all that we need to be happy. He would never ask us to do anything that we are not able to accomplish, with His help, of course. Think of Nephi setting out to get the brass plates. “I know that the Lord gives no commandments, except that He prepares a way.” Pray. Read the Scriptures. Fast more often and attend the temple whenever you can. You will be strengthened and the Lord will bless you. As you interact with your future wife in the way that God intended, your feelings will change. You can be healed. There are promises linked to all commandments. Blessings that will be poured out upon you if only you obey. When we fail to obey…we have no promise. But, in any instance, when we are faithful, the Lord is bound, and we will be blessed. This is the pattern that we see over and over again. I’m so sorry that you are struggling, but be strong. I have faith that you can do this. I know that the Lord loves you and wants for you to succeed in following His plan for you. Let’s talk again in a few weeks so that I can offer support. Until then, continue living faithfully. You will find joy.
Counterfeit marriage…
Lie to a woman. Continue lying to yourself. Hide your feelings. Shield your thoughts. Do everything in your power to ignore the uncontrollable reactions that your body produces when particular men sit close, or casually touch your shoulder, or even make eye contact from across the room. Swallow the pain that you feel in isolation and fear. In fact…remain apart. Don’t associate too closely. Feelings might develop. Don’t touch another man. At least not in any way that could be meaningful. Dedicate all touch to your wife.
Pretend that it doesn’t hurt. Act as if you are excited and glad to be physical with her. The thoughts passing through your mind would hurt her immensely, so hide them completely. Don’t ever admit that you couldn’t function as a husband if you didn’t turn your thoughts to “dark and twisted fantasies.” If you encounter struggles in your physical relationship, and your sweet and trusting wife asks what is wrong, think through the panic and come up with something to say that might be believable as an explanation for your inability, on that particular night, to do those things that men are supposed to do spontaneously with the woman they love. Lie. Lie. Lie. The suffering will go away one day. Maybe it won’t be in this life even…maybe it will come in the life hereafter. But it will most assuredly come. It has been promised.
And when you find yourself wishing for the next life…well…ummmmm…pray harder. Fast more often. Go to the temple and seek strength. Stay away from other men. Cut yourself off more completely. Serve others in your callings. Give more. Cling to hope in Christ. It will happen. You will be changed. If you are faithful and absolutely obedient, you will one day…not be you any longer.
I can’t. I can’t even follow that thought process further. I’m sitting at work, and I’m supposed to be doing something productive. Instead, I’m trying so hard not to devolve into sobbing fits. The first time I asked for help from my bishop, he told me that I should never share my burden with Lisa. In fact, I shouldn’t share it with anyone, but especially not with her. It would only hurt her and cause confusion.
And the friend that I had grown too close to? I should never speak with him again. I should let him know that our friendship must end. I shouldn’t ever see him again. I obeyed. I cut myself off from a man, who was good and kind, and had been a tremendous support in the few months that we had been getting to know each other. But I was developing feelings that were dangerous and inappropriate. And it was only going to get worse. So my friendship ended. Abruptly and painfully, it ended. And I hid from my sweet love and companion. Luckily, that only lasted for about two and a half weeks, before I broke apart one night and sobbed out a confession that I was struggling with feelings for men and didn’t know what to do. All I could say was that I am broken. Terribly, horribly broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.
Lisa loves me. So completely, she loves me. She is my wife and I love her. I want that to be clear, too. My marriage to my wife is not a counterfeit, either. We are partners and companions, parents and friends. We uplift and support each other in every way that we know how. We mourn together. We laugh and experience joy together. We push through incredible difficulties together. I am so overwhelmingly grateful for my sweet wife. And, I lied to her for many, many years. I hid from her. I hid from everybody. She would express her love, and it would hurt me. Because I knew that she didn’t really know me. And I was certain that she could never say the loving things that she so often said if she knew who I really am. She has proven me wrong in the last several years. She really does love me. Completely. As a gay man and everything. But I had to step away from the church before I could experience that finally.
So please, leaders of that church, please stop defining our marriages for us. Please stop telling us what qualifies as a wholesome and healthy relationship. Stop encouraging young gay men and women to hide themselves from the world in order to obey. I recognize that most leaders have stopped advising marriage as a solution, but the teachings are still in place.
I had lunch a few weeks ago with a young, gay, returned missionary, who is at this moment wrestling with the decision of dating to marry a woman in order to have a family as dictated by the church, or living authentically with the desires of his heart to be in a relationship with a man. The struggle is ongoing and articles like this newest Ensign release are making that situation worse.
It has to stop. Somehow, it has to come to an end. We must be allowed to heal and live our lives authentically and openly. We ought to be able to engage in real, authentic, wholesome and healthy marriages with the people we love. We shouldn’t be casting more shame and creating more pain in the LGBT community over and over again. Please. Please stop.
Guest post by Ashley, a fellow blogger at 
Dad's Primal Scream 