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Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gender, Gender Roles in the Mormon Church, Mormon, Relief Society
What right does a gay, divorced ex-Mormon have to pontificate on the role of women in the Mormon church?
I had a mother and also a wife who both served extensively in the local leadership callings available to women. Still, it didn’t really bother me back in 1993 when Boyd K Packer listed feminists as one of the 3 dangers to the Mormon Church (along with homosexuals and intellectuals). But I later came to have 3 daughters and now it matters more to me how they are being encouraged, limited and indoctrinated.
I’ve seen a pattern develop in my girls that I find disturbing. Up until about the age of 10 or 11 they are pretty free-wheeling and excited about life’s possibilities. At that stage each one of my daughters have talked freely about career goals such as becoming a teacher or a coach or an actor just like my oldest boy did.
Then, something happens around the pre-adolescent years that doesn’t seem to happen with the boys. Their interest in these worldly dreams diminish and they start talking about motherhood (not boys, like other pre-teens – motherhood). Discussions of other interests diminish dramatically as they seem to be unable to reconcile eventual motherhood with their previous dreams. I’ve found it a bit odd too because I had thought that that sort of thing would click in around 12 or 13 when they graduated from Primary and entered the Young Women’s program. But it seems to happen earlier with the girls as they participate in Senior Primary where they have gender exclusive “Activity Days.”
On one occasion, my then 9 year old daughter invited me to take her to a “Daddy-Daughter” activity in her ward. I drove 4 hours each way to be there for her thinking we’d play games, maybe dance or do a craft together. There were indeed activities and refreshments, but at one point in the evening they separated the girls from the fathers. The group of fathers got a lecture on how to be better fathers (Note the important contrast, by the way. If it had been mothers, the lecture would have leaned more towards, “You are all righteous mothers and this is the best!”).
When fathers and daughters were reunited, I asked her what she had been taught she said, “Dress modestly and temple marriage.”
REALLY!
We’re talking 8, 9 and 10 year old girls here!
All I know is that I never got a lesson on fatherhood or chastity at that age.
Boys are taught the Scout Law. Girls are taught something that is already instinctual and that most of them will want to do anyway due to innate biology. But it is beat into them early and often to do that and only THAT.
It seems soul crushing. Then, they grow up and learn to be happy with the one option provided them. You hear most Mormon women claim that they’re content with their role in the church and that they are “equal” to the men. They proudly list their own leadership accomplishments and the various administrative positions that are available to women.
I beg to disagree.
Let me provide you some specifics examples that I witnessed as my mother and wife fulfilled their callings of responsibility in the church.
Limited Scope
First, let’s be clear about what leadership positions are truly open to women. Mormon women can function in auxiliary organizations as both operatives and leaders. These include:
- Relief Society (Adult Women)
- Primary (The children’s organization – up to age 11)
- Young Women (teenage youth organization).
Only in Primary do their responsibilities include stewardship over males and those are age 11 or younger, and they occasionally oversee adult males as teachers. Women can function in these three organizations at the ward, stake or general (in Salt Lake City) level. My mother held the president position in all of these organizations at the ward level and some at the stake level. My wife had been Relief Society President and a counselor or operative in the other 2 organizations.
Show Me the Money
Second, if you want to know the truth of all things, follow the money. Money is the perfect looking glass into relationship dynamics. People with real power and real responsibility control money. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that not one woman in a Mormon leadership or administrative position controls the finances of that organization.
None of them write checks.
Access to Information
Third, access to information is limited. I know of no conditions where a woman is given or is even permitted to read the special Handbook 1 of the Handbook of Instructions. This is a special binder that stays in the bishop’s office and only higher level priesthood males get to read it. If they can’t even read it, what are the chances that women contributed to it? Such lack of access is specifically intended to keep followers dependent upon the leaders who do have privileged access and who are exclusively men. According to Wikipedia quoting Peggy Fletcher Stack of the Salt Lake Tribune,
The church has stated that it did not place Handbook 1 online with Handbook 2 because church authorities were concerned that if it were widely read by the church membership, members “might decide they don’t need to go see their bishop … It made much more sense to reserve that volume for leaders.”
I’ve had several conversations with faithful LDS women in leadership positions who have been completely wrong by saying things such as,
“The church doesn’t have a policy on vasectomies”
or
“The church doesn’t say anything about artificial insemination.”
And they are completely mistaken, but only because they are uninformed. The approved policy remains behind closed doors in Handbook 1 for only the male priesthood to read.
Even in day-to-day operations, a woman’s leadership power is really just nominal. The final decision and approval for selecting counselors, assistants, teachers, activities and other callings within their organizations remains with a male priesthood leader. At one time I was ward executive secretary while my wife had been newly called as the Relief Society President. Eager to receive inspiration she dutifully prayed and fasted to select her counselors. After doing so she met with the bishop and each selection was rejected for one reason or another. So, she returned home and prayed some more. Again, the names she had been inspired to select were a no-go. Finally on the third go around she just exclaimed, “Just tell me who you’d approve and let’s call them. I’m tired of this cat and mouse game.”
As executive secretary to several bishops I saw this same run-around repeated over and over with women. The male leadership wants to give the impression that the women have choices and are making decisions but it’s controlled with a heavy male hand.
Questioning authority
To be fair, followers rarely question authority in the LDS faith, not even men. Local leaders are given a wide berth of control as they are assumed to be “inspired” and their voice is the voice of God. But a woman questioning anything is worse. It was my experience in bishopric and ward council meetings that outside those three auxiliary organizations, if a woman had something to contribute she had to do it clandestinely through her husband. A woman who suggested almost anything was scoffed at and ridiculed behind her back.
I saw women who had openly suggested Sacrament meeting topics, changes to ward activities, meetinghouse maintenance policies, etc. politely shut down and later vilified. But of course these women had no idea that this had gone on. They just believed that the priesthood leader had been inspired to go in another direction and he must have had a good reason for doing so. From what I could tell it was actually just because the suggestion had come from a haughty woman.
Traditional Roles
Even within the leadership positions a woman can obtain, her duties are often expected to follow the same gender patterns that Mormons believe should take place in the home. Women are called upon to cook and nurture. As a stake Relief Society President my Mom once refused one such assignment from the stake presidency. They were having a regional priesthood leadership meeting in the stake building and they asked my Mom to provide food for the luncheon…and she refused saying that the scope of her calling did not include being stake caterer. I was proud of her for that, but I bet a majority of the LDS women would have complied.
Change
Most of what I’ve listed above are merely symptoms of the unbalanced hierarchical structure of men and women in the church. Real change would need to go deep and then many of these symptoms would dissapate on their own.
The most obvious and sweeping change would be for women to be given the full priesthood. The irony is that it would take the powerful men to make that change. Nope, probably not going to happen even though I know of no scriptural or doctrinal reasons why they couldn’t.
Most suggestions for change from women therefore tend to come as timid wish lists.
I recently read about Neylan McBaine giving a presentation at a recent Sunstone conference where she provided suggestions for improving the status of LDS women. She listed:
- consistently using the title “president” when referring to women leaders;
- having local women leaders routinely sit on the stand so congruents know them;
- more female participation in leadership meetings;
- inviting female leaders to speak monthly, as men on the stake high councils do;
- quoting women’s speeches as often as men’s;
- allowing women to be the last speaker in Mormon services;
- recognizing the mother after baby blessings: and
- inviting girls to participate in the Pinewood Derby.
I agree with one blogger who wrote, “these suggestions seem more like tokenism than real change.”
Short of ordaining women, though, any suggestion seems like tokenism to me.
I’d love for my daughters to see a woman bishop sitting on the stand, giving counsel to everyone including men. I can imagine her holding a future baby in her arms as she shares the ordinance of blessing the baby with the baby’s father. There’s no reason my 13 year old daughter shouldn’t be able to pass the sacrament next Sunday, the same sacrament that her brother prepared.
There’s lots of lip service given to women and their roles in the LDS church, even declarations of contentment from the women themselves. But the evidence clearly shows otherwise. I’ve also sat across from Muslim women telling me how their head coverings make them feel respected and elevated.
I don’t believe it. I know what I see.
See Also:
Mormon women seeking middle ground to greater equality
1990s Mormon Feminism Ignites Church Backlash
Related articles
- Comediennes and Douche Bags: Why the Hetero Marriage Skin Didn’t Work on this Homo (dadsprimalscream.wordpress.com)
- Mormonism’s Defiant Daughter (thedailybeast.com)
postmormongirl said:
Thank you for such a thoughtful post. My ward was small and we didn’t have Activity Days. So up until 12, I was pretty free-wheeling. But then I graduated to Young Women’s and my world started collapsing in on me – it was depressing and scary.
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Duck said:
I know- I had never heard of sisters being District Leaders, either. I thought the Elders were teasing me when the call came. But, the call was very real. And, very humbling. I was amazed at the trust the mission president (General Authority) had in me. The sisters in my District were women who all had difficulties being on their missions and all had had considerable problems dealing with companions, elders, others and leadership. It was quite the experience, trying to work happily with each of them. My last companion hated that I was in a “leadership position” (really, I was no different than anyone else- I had just been asked to help in this unique way) and actually tried beating me up. I wrote a post about it recently- one of those experiences one does not easily forget. 🙂
David said:
Nowadays I attend a church with a woman pastor, it has been very good for my soul.
When I was in the bishopric, I ended up attending various meetings for women. After the women gave their talks, a member of the bishopric was obligated to give his stamp of approval on what was said.
The first (and last) Mothers Day program I put together consisted of talks from the Primary, Relief Society and Young Woman’s Presidents. No teary eyed talks from the youth or men. I got a lot of compliments from many of the women in my ward but boy was the bishop pissed.
dadsprimalscream said:
Thanks David. I once got chewed our for arranging the prayers for sacrament meeting in the wrong order. It was one of my responsibilities as ward executive secretary and apparently there’s a protocol for which gender offers the invocation and which gender says the benediction. I find it so completely ridiculous that I can’t even remember which is which.
jen said:
You stated many of my own frustrations very well. Thank you. I fought against the “be a mother” push for a few years. At 16, I was still telling everyone that I had no intention of getting married or having children. (Except that at 12, I was going to marry a black man, because I was upset after a lesson on marriage in YW. I came home and told my parents that the prophets were WRONG, and I wasn’t going to stand for that kind of silly prejudice. My poor mormon parents…)
But by the time I turned 18, I thought the only way to be a successful and good person was to get married and make babies. Luckily, my body never made babies before I found myself again.
dadsprimalscream said:
Yea you! It’s so sad how that spirit and fire can so easily be squelched in our daughters.
Duck said:
When I was married (very short period of time), the Bishop called to see if my husband and I would speak in sacrament meeting. When the phone rang, I answered. The Bishop said, “May I speak with your husband?” I got my husband. The bishop asked HIM if he and I would speak in church. My husband put the phone to his neck and told me what the Bishop was asking. I was like a bull seeing red- the Bishop had bypassed me, had NOT asked me about speaking, but rather wanted my husband to make the decision for the both of us. When my husband told me what the Bishop wanted, I said, “He can ask me himself.” To my husband’s credit, he told the Bishop, “You will have to ask her yourself.” He handed me the phone, the Bishop asked, and I gladly accepted. I was more than glad to speak- I just wanted to be CONSIDERED and asked MYSELF. Sheesh. That was not so hard!
Maybe I have just been in different places in the world, but, as a woman on a mission, I was given leadership opportunities and served as a District leader (over sisters only) for 1/3 of my mission. I have also served in the positions you pointed out in your post.
Happy night. Duck
dadsprimalscream said:
Oh my goodness! You are absolutely right! I should have remembered that. I remember that happening with my ex-wife and me as well as with my Dad and Mom. They talk to the man first and ask if it’s OK to extend the calling to the wife. So even when there’s a pretty significant and responsible leadership calling extended to a woman it has always been processed through her husband first. It does not happen the other way around.
On my mission sisters were NOT district leaders. I’d never heard of that.