You know about the Bro Code, right? It’s a set of guidelines and instinctive behaviors that real men must follow in order to be honorable, accepted and respected citizens of manhood.
There are various long versions of the Bro Code, so I’ve pasted an abridged list below for you to get the idea. We will later discuss the missing homo version.
THE BRO CODE
1. Bros before hoes.
I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.
A bro gets a free pass for doing something stupid as long as all the other bros were doing it, too.
3. If a girl falls into one of the following categories, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. A bro’s ex-girlfriend.
B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her.
C. Is you’re buddy’s sister.
4. You must never own a cat.
5. If you get 2 tickets to the big game, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows:
1. Your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them).
2. Your acquaintances.
3. Your co-workers.
4. The mailman.
5. The UPS guy.
7. John Kerry.
1,485,726. Your girlfriend.
6. You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick.
7. Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional.
8. If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once.
9. A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.
10. If you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately.
11. Standard shotgun rules are as follows.
A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car.
B. Shotgun must be called outside.
C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes.
D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride.
12. A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection.
13. It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved.
In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games.”
14. If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and/or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks his Bro already knows.
15. Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin/friend/mother.
16. When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend.
unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick.
17. Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.
18. Bros Before Hoes.
I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable dicks since they’ve gone out with someone.
Follow these rules, and be a man!
Fool that I am, I had just assumed there was a sister set set of rules for the homo male.
There isn’t. I can’t find it anywhere and when I’ve mentioned it to my gay friends I get blank stares and quirky smirks. This is a travesty of epic proportions! For gay men this is a misappropriation of history.
The Bro Code was the genius invention of Barnabus Stinson on the TV sitcom “How I Met Your Mother” and Barney is of course played by Neil Patrick Harris. There are at least 150 different rules established on the show and I have a hard time believing that no one, let alone Neil himself, has never adapted the Bro Code for the homos.
In my personal life I recently ran into major violations of what I had assumed was the Homo Bro Code only to find out that it didn’t exist.
“Men are pigs. All of us.”
That was the best explanation I got.
Something inside me refuses to settle for that. I refuse to accept that my gay friends are incapable of protecting and honoring each other in the same way. Obviously, the rules can’t all be the same. Some rules will stay. Some will actually be the exact opposite. It complicates things when all your close friends are at the same time all potential boyfriends or sexual partners. Still, I want to believe that gay men can live a higher law too. We can elevate our friendship with bros above that of our fleeting relationships with homos.
Please join me. fellow gay men. in creating and establishing the Homo Bro Code.
Here are my early suggestions:
THE HOMO BRO CODE
1. Bros before homos.
This rule has to stand. Your homo boyfriends will come and go but your bros are family
Among any circle of gay men are former homo lovers that have become bros. This ability is what separates us from the uncivilized breeders who fight and hate their exes.
3. If a homo falls into one of the following categories, he is off limits only until conditions change.
A. Your bro’s ex-boyfriend (unless he you gives the thumbs up).
B. Your bro specifically told you he wanted him (until he no longer does).
C. Is your buddy’s straight relative.
4. If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once.
This rule stays too.
5. Bros honor the rules of a homo relationship.
Some gay relationships are open. Fair game. Some open relationships establish funky rules such as only playing with a third party together or only on vacation. Bros don’t break those couple-imposed homo rules.
6. Bros get both homo partners’ versions of their rules before sex with one of them.
There are a lot of guys who claim to be in an open relationship just to get in your pants; but when you ask their partner, he claims they are exclusive. No go.
7. Stay off Grindr and no texting other homos at your bro’s house.
8. Bros do not tell homos that said bros are lying about their age, weight or any other online profile details.
9. Should a Bro be near to closing with a homo, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including walking away, getting taxi home and pretending that that’s how it was planned.
10. Bros shall honor thy mother
That includes one fag hag and one diva you never speak ill of in front of other bros.
11. In the event that two bros are attracted to the same homo target, there are no such things as dibs. The target gets to choose.
Sometimes he’ll choose both.
12. Bros regularly visit the clinic together to get tested for HIV and STD’s.
13. Before allowing a drunken bro to cheat on his boyfriend, a fellow bro must attempt one intervention on his behalf. If he can get up on his feet, look you in the eye and deliver a distinguishable “fuck off” then you are absolved from all responsibility of his actions.
14. Bros dance with whomever and however they damn well please.
There’s obviously no worry about appearing “gay” so dance with your hands up and mouth the words all you want.
15. Bros alert each other to hotties wherever they may be.
There’s no need to be discreet about it either. It can be a verbal alert or a shameless pointing.
16. Bros who become aware of violations of the homo bro code shake their heads and grow increasingly disillusioned, but they stay silent.
Homo bros don’t talk about how disappointed they are in each other for these violations. They expect disappointment from homos, but just quietly resolve to do better themselves.
17. Bros will be honest about who they are at all times.
There’s no pretense. Bros support the right to do whatever you want in the bedroom whether or not they want to do it themselves. They let people believe things they don’t believe and express opinions they don’t share. But bros never expect another bro to negotiate away the right to be whoever they really are.
18. Bros don’t “out” homos on the down-low.
Let’s face it, we were all closeted at one point. Bros respect the right of everyone to make that personal change themselves and in their own way.
19. Bros before homos.
Again, this rule has to stand. Homos who don’t honor this are bitches. There are a lot of homo bitches. Don’t be one.
I welcome your additions, suggestions and comments.