I was married to a woman and so I know that one should never refer to an elephant and a woman in the same phrase, but the wives of gay men are the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about…
Often the women themselves don’t want to talk about it. Here are a few women who have talked about it:
- Danielle Mansfield
- Ashley (Read this one if none else)
- Carol Lynn Pearson
- Emily Pearson
Regardless of the ability or inability to make such a mismatch work, can anyone really claim that a mixed orientation marriage is wisest, or even preferable for these WOMEN? Under which scenario is it healthy for a woman to marry someone innately unable to desire 100% of her?
It seems to me the that straight women, as well as the families of straight women have the most to gain by encouraging young homosexuals to find and marry mates among their own ranks. It baffles me that this point of view isn’t raised more. It baffles me that my ex-wife can’t see this. It is amazing that any father with daughters can’t clearly point this out.
See, I can imagine lots of scenarios where it appears to help the man socially, religiously and such but it does no such thing for the women (although it still does significant harm spiritually to the man). I can’t think of 1 benefit of such an arrangement for her that wouldn’t be better with a straight man.
Still, is there a type of woman who is naturally attracted to gay men?
Is there a type of woman who is more likely to marry a gay man?
First lets distinguish between two common scenarios… Some women know beforehand; some don’t.
In my case, the one time as a young adult that I tip-toed out of the closet with a priesthood leader he firmly encouraged me to NEVER talk about it again and especially not to my future wife. Unfortunately I followed that unwise advice. Therefore, my wife knew nothing of my struggles with homosexual feelings before or during our marriage. Nevertheless, I was STILL a homosexual and so it begs the question… what about me attracted her to me at that subconscious level?
In other cases men have more wisely been honest with their future wives and discussed their gay feelings before marrying. Many women still elect to move forward with the relationship anyway. What mind games or personality traits would encourage a woman to move forward with such a life choice?
What attracts some women to men at the subconscious level and what encourages them to move forward even when the husbands’ homosexuality is out in the open? What would make women WANT to force pretense on a so-called “friend” encouraging them to live on the outside in a manner inconsistent with how they feel on the inside?
- Is there a low relative personal value placed on sexual attraction?
- Are they attracted to effeminate qualities?
- Do gay men appear to be better fathers?
- Is the liklihood of the husband’s creativity and sense of fun or style a factor?
- Many gay men are obsessively detailed (scrupulously religious). Is that an attractive factor?
My ex-wife is indelibly following religious leaders and so she has little time for reasoned and logical thought such as…
“Hmmm, if my ex-husband had felt able to and comfortable enough coming out as a teen then perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten caught up in our mixed orientation marriage, divorce and subsequent trauma.”
Forget the gay men themselves, opposition to gay rights by religious institutions such as Mormonism harms straight women as much or more than anyone. As a father to 3 young daughters my motivation for fighting for gay rights is as much for them as it is for me. I hope for their sake that things change enough in the next 10 years.
See also:
Group offers help to Mormons whose spouses are gay
Booklet teaches Mormon parents how to help their gay children
Her letter: “My boyfriend, ex-gay ministries, and the church: FAIL”
Straight MOR Survivor said:
Wow! I found a link to your blog, read this post, came back to comment and was beyond flattered to see that you had already linked to my story “Her letter: my boyfriend, ex gay, the church: fail!” THANK YOU! I am much honored. To answer your question, in no particular order:
A. They are in love with the person and don’t know about the sexuality.
B. They are in love with the person and believe that the sexuality is not embedded sexuality but an issue like over-eating that can be cured / tamed/ kept in check. This was my story until I stopped believing it.
C. For reasons of their own, they are as ‘not in touch’ with their own feelings as the men they are marrying. They too have a view of ‘Oh, maybe I could cope with / put up with this one’.
From what I read around the blogosphere, A and B dominate. I can’t think of any C’s I know of.
And, FWIW, I cannot think of any of us who have dated so many as 2 gay men, let alone gone into a long term relationship with more than one of them. There are no polite words to put in front if the “No!!!!” on that one! BFFs yes. Romance, no.
atheistdad said:
Your point that disallowing gays to marry hurts heterosexual women is made in Homophobia: How We All Pay the Price. The title says a lot. There’s an entire section related to families, including the straight spouses and children.
dadsprimalscream said:
Thanks for that tip atheistdad! I’ll check it out
jen said:
Mormon women are taught that sex, sexuality isn’t natural… also, if you have ZERO sexual experience (which apparently isn’t as common as I used to think it was, but still fairly common), how would you know that you want anything more? How would you know that you need anything more?
My ex has been very frustrated by the recent articles/blogs (Weeds and Mansfields), because he was a male married to a woman that felt no attraction for him. Our sex life was anything but satisfying.
dadsprimalscream said:
So interesting….
You know how people like to say it’s not only about the sex? Well, in my case it’s even more true. I wanted sex with my ex-wife FAR more than she desired it with me…and she was supposedly straight…I’m gay. Figure that one out. I have far less sex now than when I was married but the quality when it does happen is monumental….
Even then, it’s just not ALL about the sex…it’s intimacy on so many levels that you can’t achieve if you’re not with the gender you feel that towards.
chanson said:
Very interesting question! From the tales I’ve read by straight women in MOMs, one common theme is that the woman is in theater. In that case, it may be a combination of liking people who have similar interests, and of “you marry who you meet.” Women in Math/Science/Engineering frequently end up married to nerds — largely because who else would you even know? (I’m speaking for myself here.) (Also: I hope it is not stereotyping to say that a disproportionately high percentage of men in theater are gay.)
dadsprimalscream said:
Oh the stereotype definitely has teeth! I was in theatre, but my wife wasn’t. She was an athlete.
Another interesting question is why I passed on some of the relationships I had with my theatre girlfriends … but pursued my wife. A former theatre girlfriend actually confronted me on this recently. The only answer I could articulate was that I subconsciously thought I could fool my wife long-term… not so with my theatre friend…
Anonymous (to protect my husband) said:
My husband is transgendered. When I first met him, I was completely ignorant of what that meant. I also was completely ignorant as to how deep it ran. Following the counsel of my priesthood leaders, I believed he could–and would–change. Dumb, dumb, dumb!!! 20+ years later and we haven’t had a sex life in more than 10 years, have a very poor relationship, and now my leaving the church has him even more conflicted. He wants to live as a woman but is terrified to do so. He’s clinging on to me, I believe, because as long as he’s married to me he has an excuse. He told me yesterday that he’d dreamed he was a weather woman on TV, and it was totally natural, so much so that he was surprised when he looked down at himself to realise he actually was a woman. I love him dearly, but am completely miserable in our marriage. So I’m feeling all the guilt and torment that comes with trying to end things, not wanting to hurt him, knowing his family will immediately disown me, etc. It’s horrible.
dadsprimalscream said:
Wow! What a heavy burden to carry… I feel for you. All of us go through disowning…all of her family and half of mine disowned me. I was so worried about that too, but now I don’t miss them at all… who needs toxic people like that in their lives?
aerin said:
In mormon culture, power and status come to women ONLY through marriage and motherhood. From a young age women are taught that marriage (to a worthy man) should be their number one goal. Not a husband who desires them, not a husband who sees them as a whole person with independent wants, desires and needs. Their wants, desires and needs are intimately tied to marriage and motherhood; anything else is selfish.
I’m making broad generalizations here, so there are many exceptions. But I base my observations on what I was taught in the 80s and what remains in the manuals (and taught in General Conference today).
With that said, it’s true that some consenting adult womem choose against their best interests by marrying gay men. I’m not exactly sure why (aside from the factors above). I would certainly not assume all gay men are effeminate (not all the men I’ve met anyway). The mate selection criteria for mormon women is really a returned missionary. There are many assumptions there, but usually they are implied that a worthy RM will support you, support your children, cherish you and work hard. That’s not always the case. But by marrying very young and in the temple, it becomes difficult to rethink that narrative once it’s happened.
dadsprimalscream said:
earin – thanks for your comment. All that is true of course, but I think it happens outside the LDS faith too… The sad part is that when it comes to the breakup, the women almost have no other alternative but to blame themselves for not being able to “cure” their husbands seeing as they couldn’t endure to the end… so sad