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I was married to a woman and so I know that one should never refer to an elephant and a woman in the same phrase, but the wives of gay men are the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about…

Often the women themselves don’t want to talk about it. Here are a few women who have talked about it:

Regardless of the ability or inability to make such a mismatch work, can anyone really claim that a mixed orientation marriage is wisest, or even preferable for these WOMEN? Under which scenario is it healthy for a woman to marry someone innately unable to desire 100% of her?

It seems to me the that straight women, as well as the families of straight women have the most to gain by encouraging young homosexuals to find and marry mates among their own ranks. It baffles me that this point of view isn’t raised more. It baffles me that my ex-wife can’t see this. It is amazing that any father with daughters can’t clearly point this out.

See, I can imagine lots of scenarios where it appears to help the man socially, religiously and such but it does no such thing for the women (although it still does significant harm spiritually to the man). I can’t think of 1 benefit of such an arrangement for her that wouldn’t be better with a straight man.

Still, is there a type of woman who is naturally attracted to gay men?

Is there a type of woman who is more likely to marry a gay man?

First lets distinguish between two common scenarios… Some women know beforehand; some don’t.

In my case, the one time as a young adult that I tip-toed out of the closet with a priesthood leader he firmly encouraged me to NEVER talk about it again and especially not to my future wife. Unfortunately I followed that unwise advice. Therefore, my wife knew nothing of my struggles with homosexual feelings before or during our marriage. Nevertheless, I was STILL a homosexual and so it begs the question… what about me attracted her to me at that subconscious level?

In other cases men have more wisely been honest with their future wives and discussed their gay feelings before marrying. Many women still elect to move forward with the relationship anyway. What mind games or personality traits would encourage a woman to move forward with such a life choice?

What attracts some women to men at the subconscious level and what encourages them to move forward even when the husbands’ homosexuality is out in the open? What would make women WANT to force pretense on a so-called “friend” encouraging them to live on the outside in a manner inconsistent with how they feel on the inside?

  • Is there a low relative personal value placed on sexual attraction?
  • Are they attracted to effeminate qualities?
  • Do gay men appear to be better fathers?
  • Is the liklihood of the husband’s creativity and sense of fun or style a factor?
  • Many gay men are obsessively detailed (scrupulously religious). Is that an attractive factor?

My ex-wife is indelibly following religious leaders and so she has little time for reasoned and logical thought such as…

“Hmmm, if my ex-husband had felt able to and comfortable enough coming out as a teen then perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten caught up in our mixed orientation marriage, divorce and subsequent trauma.”

Forget the gay men themselves, opposition to gay rights by religious institutions such as Mormonism harms straight women as much or more than anyone. As a father to 3 young daughters my motivation for fighting for gay rights is as much for them as it is for me. I hope for their sake that things change enough in the next 10 years.

See also:

Group offers help to Mormons whose spouses are gay

Booklet teaches Mormon parents how to help their gay children

Her letter: “My boyfriend, ex-gay ministries, and the church: FAIL”