It’s been almost six months since my last new post and probably ten months since I posted regularly. Obviously a lot has transpired.
I’ve most likely lost a lot of readership during the interval, but my blogging has never been about getting a following so it doesn’t really matter to me in that sense. The primal scream from within has been stronger than ever. Every week that has passed without a new post there would be some current topic in the blogosphere that I had strong opinions about. But with every week that passed came my inner doubts as to whether I had anything original or unique to add to the conversation. There are a lot of insightful progressive blogs being written about gay rights, the craziness of Mormonism and gay fatherhood.
I knew that I was going to taper off my writing. I barely had the energy to keep myself getting out of bed in the morning, but I never wrote one of those “Goodbye, you won’t be seeing me here” posts that people often leave on blogs and on Facebook. Those posts seem pretentious to me for some reason.
I still read a lot of blogs but I rarely say to myself, “Hmm blogger ABC hasn’t written in a while and he never said goodbye.” 😦
In a nutshell I’ve just focused my energies more on living actual life than on the therapeutic need to record it in my blog.
And in all honesty, life got pretty bad there for a while.
So much so that I had no desire to have my voice heard or to say anything important about being a father, or about being gay, or about being an ex-Mormon.
Here’s a brief overview of the last year:
- I still didn’t have a decent job.
- I was doing every odd job imaginable and working 12+ hours a day….Real Estate, Taxi driving, door-to-door sales, phone sales, car sales, temp work, substitute teaching, etc…
- My ex-wife was constantly hounding me for more child support.
- Meanwhile, she doesn’t work full-time, she and her husband take regular vacations, and just landscaped their large home.
- I sought legal help, but even now I can’t afford it. I can’t afford not to either. I’m in a legal catch-22.
- I lived in a dump. My kids were sleeping on mattresses on the floor.
- I was at the point of begging for public assistance and help from friends.
- I was most likely severely depressed (self diagnosed).
- My life’s intersection with Mormonism and being gay didn’t even rank in the top 10 of my troubles.
- A family member and a couple of friends came through to help me avoid being evicted.
- One of these friends helped me revamp my resume.
- I got a job! A good job. A job I’m qualified for and one that uses my talent and experience. Benefits, base salary, car allowance, travel, the whole enchilada.
- The base salary enables me to survive – barely, but I’m ever so grateful.
- There’s opportunity to grow and increase my earnings significantly in this job.
- I got a reliable car.
- I moved into a nice town-home near the kids’ schools.
- The kids can now invite friends over. They have beds to sleep on.
- Threats of a court battle continue with the ex. She flips out when I say I want kids 50/50 and that we will adjust child support.
- She threatens me. I pay her more. I end up with no money. I have to pay her less. She demands more. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
- My son gets his mission call. Sadness and disappointment for me. Smug self-righteousness for my ex-wife and Mormon family.
- My kids thrive.
- I have intermittent moments of happiness and feelings that things might turn out alright.
- The ex doesn’t understand that I didn’t win the lottery and that recovery is a slow process.
As long as I take things a day at a time and don’t try to forecast too much into the future I do OK. I mean, I’m 50 years old and have zero retirement plan. I can’t fathom putting my kids through college. I could go on. But now, today, at this hour I am OK and I’ve learned to focus on that.
My son asked me for a trip to NYC before he leaves on his mission. So we’re going in 3 weeks. I can’t afford it but how many 17 year old boys ask their fathers to come with them on a senior trip? I’m finding the money and doing it. I’m thrilled that he wants to.
I’d like to have more of a social life but it’s difficult in Little Salt Lake City (Southeast Phoenix suburbs. I can walk to the LDS Gilbert Temple). I haven’t gone on a date in years. I don’t even know where to go to meet someone. I had friends in Palm Springs, but I haven’t been able to afford even a weekend trip in the 3 years since I moved.
I work a lot. I travel a lot. I see my kids a lot while I’m working from my home office. I’m grateful for the relationship I’ve been able to maintain with them. Even my son and I have a great relationship as long as I keep my mouth shut regarding the church. When a small window of opportunity opens I tiptoe through it.
So, I’m not declaring that I’m back, but I probably will blog more and experiment a little with how I want to express myself here in the future.
The 2015 Tony Awards are this Sunday! Life is good. Today.