It’s been almost six months since my last new post and probably ten months since I posted regularly. Obviously a lot has transpired.
I’ve most likely lost a lot of readership during the interval, but my blogging has never been about getting a following so it doesn’t really matter to me in that sense. The primal scream from within has been stronger than ever. Every week that has passed without a new post there would be some current topic in the blogosphere that I had strong opinions about. But with every week that passed came my inner doubts as to whether I had anything original or unique to add to the conversation. There are a lot of insightful progressive blogs being written about gay rights, the craziness of Mormonism and gay fatherhood.
I knew that I was going to taper off my writing. I barely had the energy to keep myself getting out of bed in the morning, but I never wrote one of those “Goodbye, you won’t be seeing me here” posts that people often leave on blogs and on Facebook. Those posts seem pretentious to me for some reason.
I still read a lot of blogs but I rarely say to myself, “Hmm blogger ABC hasn’t written in a while and he never said goodbye.” 😦
In a nutshell I’ve just focused my energies more on living actual life than on the therapeutic need to record it in my blog.
And in all honesty, life got pretty bad there for a while.
So much so that I had no desire to have my voice heard or to say anything important about being a father, or about being gay, or about being an ex-Mormon.
Here’s a brief overview of the last year:
- I still didn’t have a decent job.
- I was doing every odd job imaginable and working 12+ hours a day….Real Estate, Taxi driving, door-to-door sales, phone sales, car sales, temp work, substitute teaching, etc…
- My ex-wife was constantly hounding me for more child support.
- Meanwhile, she doesn’t work full-time, she and her husband take regular vacations, and just landscaped their large home.
- I sought legal help, but even now I can’t afford it. I can’t afford not to either. I’m in a legal catch-22.
- I lived in a dump. My kids were sleeping on mattresses on the floor.
- I was at the point of begging for public assistance and help from friends.
- I was most likely severely depressed (self diagnosed).
- My life’s intersection with Mormonism and being gay didn’t even rank in the top 10 of my troubles.
- A family member and a couple of friends came through to help me avoid being evicted.
- One of these friends helped me revamp my resume.
- I got a job! A good job. A job I’m qualified for and one that uses my talent and experience. Benefits, base salary, car allowance, travel, the whole enchilada.
- The base salary enables me to survive – barely, but I’m ever so grateful.
- There’s opportunity to grow and increase my earnings significantly in this job.
- I got a reliable car.
- I moved into a nice town-home near the kids’ schools.
- The kids can now invite friends over. They have beds to sleep on.
- Threats of a court battle continue with the ex. She flips out when I say I want kids 50/50 and that we will adjust child support.
- She threatens me. I pay her more. I end up with no money. I have to pay her less. She demands more. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
- My son gets his mission call. Sadness and disappointment for me. Smug self-righteousness for my ex-wife and Mormon family.
- My kids thrive.
- I have intermittent moments of happiness and feelings that things might turn out alright.
- The ex doesn’t understand that I didn’t win the lottery and that recovery is a slow process.
As long as I take things a day at a time and don’t try to forecast too much into the future I do OK. I mean, I’m 50 years old and have zero retirement plan. I can’t fathom putting my kids through college. I could go on. But now, today, at this hour I am OK and I’ve learned to focus on that.
My son asked me for a trip to NYC before he leaves on his mission. So we’re going in 3 weeks. I can’t afford it but how many 17 year old boys ask their fathers to come with them on a senior trip? I’m finding the money and doing it. I’m thrilled that he wants to.
I’d like to have more of a social life but it’s difficult in Little Salt Lake City (Southeast Phoenix suburbs. I can walk to the LDS Gilbert Temple). I haven’t gone on a date in years. I don’t even know where to go to meet someone. I had friends in Palm Springs, but I haven’t been able to afford even a weekend trip in the 3 years since I moved.
I work a lot. I travel a lot. I see my kids a lot while I’m working from my home office. I’m grateful for the relationship I’ve been able to maintain with them. Even my son and I have a great relationship as long as I keep my mouth shut regarding the church. When a small window of opportunity opens I tiptoe through it.
So, I’m not declaring that I’m back, but I probably will blog more and experiment a little with how I want to express myself here in the future.
The 2015 Tony Awards are this Sunday! Life is good. Today.
Seacretaccount said:
i just discovered your blog and I can’t stop reading. You’re writing and living the life I wish I had the courage too. I’m inspired by you’re grounded and down to earth comments on religion and life. I am a deeply closeted gay married Mormon who desperately longs to be FREE! Maybe one day I’ll find that strength to come out and tell the world my story. If I do your blog is a step towards that. If it means anything, your blog has given me hope. I wish you nothing but the best in your life and thank you for the few moments of joy your blog brought me. I hope you continue to blog and share your story. You are inspiring others. Thank you!
dadsprimalscream said:
Hey there Seacretaccount! Thank you reading my blog and for the kind words. Just know I was there once too. You don’t indicate your age but it can make a difference in what you choose to do. There is not one right way to handle this. You’ve given me some ideas on a blog post or two, but if you have any questions I’d be happy to answer them and it would help me focus and get started back into writing. I’m working right now on suggesting some plays, movies and TV shows to men like yourself who might be able to sneak a peek at gay life that way. Sort of like dipping your toe in the water before jumping in.
Seacretaccount said:
I appreciate the reply to my comments. I’m not good and posting on public forums personal information, if you were open to emailing I’d be grateful for some advice. Reading your experiences and perspective has allowed me to feel for a moment better.
I’m 37 and heading into the mid-life OMG moments where I know I’ve got find myself again. Thanks for your blog. It’s my new addiction.
dadsprimalscream said:
Of course! Please feel free to e-mail me at dadsprimalscream@ gmail.com and I will respect your privacy.
Nichole said:
First I want to say that while I don’t know you, I have a lot of empathy for the difficulties you’ve experienced this past year, and I’m wishing better prospects and more-better relationships for you going forward.
Second, I’m not gay or male, and I do not have kids or a vengeful, LDS ex-spouse trying to ruin my life and brainwash my kids. But I am an ex-mo who has dealt with many of the same issues you had (and have) leaving the church, and I’m very interested LGBTQ issues. And I appreciate people who can write thoughtfully and articulately about the two.
I love your blog and have missed your posts. I probably shouldn’t admit this, but when something aggravating about the church or its actions with regards to gay people hits the news, I often pop over to your blog to see if you’ve written something about it because I value your perspective.
As you suggest, there are many people out there writing about Mormonism or being gay, and it’s easy to get trapped in the thought that one might not have anything “original or unique” to add to the conversation. But I think your voice is important, and you are often able to articulate opinions that I share but that I’ve not been able to fully concretize in my head. I also learn things from your blog, and I find it very helpful to hear from someone who is in your particular unique situation as he thinks through and navigates the difficulties of his own journey.
And if there’s one person out there like me, there are others. If you decide to live a little more and blog a little less, that is more than reasonable. But I (selfishly) hope that you will continue post at least sometimes, because you may be just a bit (or a lot) ahead of the rest of us on the path, and we need your light.
dadsprimalscream said:
Thanks Nicole! That’s all very kind of you to say. I’ve started collecting lists of ideas once again. I do believe I’ll post again… just not sure at what pace.
Miguel said:
Glad to see you’re doing well, even without the blogging part–life is crazy busy and the older I get it seems time keeps flying faster and faster (and kids older and older–ugh, ugh!). I also used to feel the urge to run the opposite way when I used to bump into the missionaries but one day I decided to look at them as eager 19 yr old kids with little life experience and a scary world ahead of them, I decided then to give them a bottle of water and wish them well…helped me be more considerate. If all else fails then I come out and talk to them about my partner and we’d love to have them over for dinner sometime–works like a charm! 😀
Hugs,Miguel
dadsprimalscream said:
Thanks Miguel! I completely agree. Treat the missionaries well and be honest. I was once one.
BeastOz said:
Glad to hear things have had some positive turns for you.
But I gotta say, I DO miss your regular posts, and I would miss you if you were gone for good.
dadsprimalscream said:
Thank you for saying so. we’ll see if I feel inspired to write more soon.
SmorgCycle said:
Yey! I’m delighted to hear that you are finally out of that jobless limbo and things are looking quite better than before. 🙂 I think it marvelous, too, that your son is still getting on great with you even now that’s he’s gotten his mission call. Hope things keep getting better and you’ll be able to relax and take a well earned vacation soon (and more time for blog posts, maybe? 😉 ).
On another note, I ran into a couple of Mormon mishies yesterday while walking a neighbor’s dogs. Had almost forgotten how hard it is to extricate myself from a pair of those once they start talking! 😛 Hope your son’ll have a good mission experience… without converting many.
dadsprimalscream said:
I’m starting to have free weekends so I might pick back up blogging then!
My son is going to Santiago Chile. I’m excited for him to have that international experience but not thrilled about the proselyting part. I wish I could talk to him more about it….
I still have an affection for missionaries too…in a “Lord, forgive them for they know not what they do” sort of way. Having been one myself I know there’s little I can say or do to influence real thought.
Thanks for the comment