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Is having a backup plan a good way to approach anything in life?
I don’t think so.
When finding the love of your life, for example, do you keep a backup plan? Doing so would sabotage the very thing you’re aiming to achieve. You don’t achieve goals by spending time considering what you’ll do if you don’t make it.
Can you imagine someone saying, “I want to lose 20 pounds but if I don’t make it I can do so much good with that extra hour a day that I won’t be exercising.”
I don’t think it works with choosing a fulfilling career choice either.
Last week while sitting with my son on one side and my ex-wife on the other, I began discussing with my son his upcoming plans for high school next year. He’s an excellent student(straight A’s) and yet I still think he sometimes allows himself to reach for mediocrity rather than his full potential. He’ll select the standard courses rather than the honor classes in which he is qualified to enroll. My main point in the discussion was that he should begin to look ahead at college and not fail to qualify for opportunities there by choosing the easy way out in high school.
So, I asked him what his dreams were. I knew the answer, but I wanted him to say it and I thought his Mom would back me up on this “reach your potential” discussion. He loves wildlife and photography and at this point in his life he wants to be a “wildlife photographer.” So, I said, “We should look up college programs in that field and see what their admission requirements are and plan high school accordingly.”
Whereupon his Mom piped in with something along the lines of, “And you need to think of something more practical as a backup plan.”
WHAT? Pardon me but I think that’s a horrible thing to say to a 13 year old boy or girl with a dream!
I’m horrible at on-the-spot retorts, so I ended up saying nothing, but it has been eating at me ever since. When the kids are alone with me I’m going to have to schedule my own version of an apostate family home evening based on the following theme”
“It’s better to shoot for the moon and miss than aim for a pile of shit and make it.”
I feel strongly about this because I got the same advice that my ex-wife gave our son. I followed it and I regret it. My shoddy advice came in the form of my second patriarchal blessing. You can read about it here. Some old man who didn’t know me, know my talents or my potential gave me that advice and I took it like God was speaking to me… kind of the same way my son listens to his Mom.
See, it’s not a backup plan that is going to save you when life gets rough and Plan A isn’t panning out. And that WILL happen. What’s going to save the day is a solid, heartiness of character and a tenacious work ethic; it’s the kind of character traits that are gained by having lofty goals and working hard to achieve them. Because as I’ve learned sometimes even Plan B doesn’t materialize and how many backup plans are you supposed to have up your sleeve? Plans C and D…Z?
In fact, failure along the way to your dream makes for a much more interesting life than one pursuing an empty, passionless and practical existence.
What successful people do when Plan A doesn’t work, is either redefine the goal into a closely related Plan AA or redefine what it means to actually reach success in Plan A. I have some friends who were studying drama with me back when I followed that patriarch’s advice to develop a backup plan. I got sidetracked.
Some of these acquaintances have successfully reached an altered version of our shared goal to be actors. One of these friends became a high school drama teacher. She was recently name drama teacher of the year in her state and is recognized as a true professional in her field. Another classmate of mine went on to become an agent, manager and producer. His clients have won Emmy and Tony awards. Neither of these folks had a backup plan that I know of. They are working in their field of interest. Their Plan AA.
I know another friend who has merely redefined success. He’s a working actor but nobody you would recognize in TV or movies. Still, he makes a living at what he’s good at and what he loves by working in regional theatres and less-than-leading roles in TV and in New York. He didn’t have a backup plan either but has often taken side jobs and lived on less than his contemporaries to survive. Today he makes as much as I do. He works hard and hasn’t gotten distracted from his goal. He’s less frustrated than I am.
If my son never becomes a wildlife photographer, I won’t consider it a failure, but I’ll have failed if I can’t help him seen the rewards and benefits of dreaming big. He needs to know he’s as capable and worthy of it as the next guy.
Any ideas of how to get that message across in the midst of all the muddy “backup plan” messaging he gets everywhere else?
Dad's Primal Scream 
Oh well. If the links don’t show up, I think you have enough info there to Google that stuff. Good luck!!
Show your son several successful wildlife photographers. Take him to Barnes and Noble and show him all the wonderful books, and show him that there is a market. There’s a new wildlife photography show on the Weather Channel. My son loves it:
Research cameras and attachements. Get him one, if he doesn’t already have one. Take him on nature excursions. Check out the National Wildlife Federation:
Definitely check out schools. Here’s one that we’ve looked at, but it’s pricey because it’s private: I don’t know where you live, but there are Art Institute branches all over the country. We just happen to live in Utah. We’re still looking for a more affordable option. My son is 14, so we have a little time.
Hey, why did the links disappear?
Thanks for that! I’ll definitely check all that out!
Hey… i just stumbled upon your blog. I haven’t read much yet but i deeply respect the premise and i’m feeling this backup plan posting. i have thought about this kind of thing many times before… i don’t have much knowledge of the LDS church, yet it seems like mainstream American society deals with the same issue, the idea that we should focus more on practical paths to “success” and less on dreaming. traditional thought would have us believe that once we secure financial success, only then should we divert our energies towards our dreams. for me, it’s so refreshing to read this post. i think it’s beautiful that you have so much respect for the dreams of your son, even if you are unsure as to how you can convince him to take the dreams seriously himself. I’m more or less on the other side of this thing–I just graduated from college, and I am currently devoting nearly all of my energy towards following MY dreams (in essence, traveling and writing.) my parents incessantly try to press me towards a sensible backup plan (actually, not a backup plan, but a “smart/logical” main plan), and i have struggled for years now trying to explain to them why i need to “shoot for the moon”, as you wrote about. i love that–“It’s better to shoot for the moon and miss than aim for a pile of shit and make it.” why is that so hard for people to understand?
even if your son may not understand right now, keep being a positive, supportive force in whatever way you can. i appreciate the reference to judo in your about section. other voices and influences may be louder right now, but in time he will come to see that you have been there, gently consistent, ready to help him listen to what is in his own heart.
Dave
What’s the worst that could happen? I used to live downtown with lots of homeless folks around. I’d bet that not 1 of them was a person who started off shooting for the moon, but ended up on the streets.
Perhaps parents want assurance that their kids will move out, not be a financial burden to them and make the family grow via marriage, kids etc. People who are pursuing a dream often put those priorities on the back burner.
Looking back… if someone had truly loved me, they would have sat me down and not let me drop my dreams to the wayside.
The most valuable question anyone has ever asked me is, “What do you want?”
The best friends, meaning the ones that I want around me the most, are the people that ask that question and expect me to go for it.
In Mormon land, its almost like people are taught NOT to want. And I don’t know how to combat that. Other than, if I were your son, I’d be drawn to you if you encouraged me.
Good luck!
I agree. Deep in Mormonism I had a difficult time knowing what I really wanted without wondering what I SHOULD want. When you truly love someone you want them to reach for their desires and hopes, not simply comply with a pre-fabricated list of acceptable dreams.
Wow, I think the example of your acting friends is excellent. I’ve thought about this a lot and come to similar conclusions, but I still have not to this point been able to let go of keeping “back up plans.” Reading this very post was good for me, and I think it will help me get up the nerve to make some important education/career decisions in the next couple months.
Maybe talking to your son about your friends like you do in this post would help him.
Watch or read interviews of successful people. They had a vision of what they wanted and didn’t let themselves get sidetracked. And “successful” doesn’t always mean rich or famous. I’ve never heard of a person regretting “going for it” – only good can come out of it.