Six months ago I posted my first confessional of all my terribly grave gay post-Mormon Dad sins. It seems about twice a year I have my own Spooky Mormon Hell Dream and I need to bow my head in shame for all the ways I don’t conform to societal norms. Yup, once again I’ve been Jonesing for that post-confessional high that can only come with confession.
So, here goes:
1. I sometime pee sitting down… In the middle of the night when I don’t want to stir my brain more than necessary over the act of aiming, I sit down. I keep my eyes closed, finish and return to bed and am back to dreaming again in minutes. If that makes me less of a man, then tough. In the daytime I pee like a regular man. I’m sorry Bishop for not using the gifts God gave me to their full potential.
2. My favorite word right now is “shart” and yes I’ve taught it to my kids. (See the movie Along Came Polly). We all laugh when the Sara Bareilles song Uncharted comes on. It sounds like she keeps saying “I sharted”. I know it’s childish Bishop.
3. I sometimes still pray even though I don’t believe in a God. It’s a habit that calms me and prepares me mentally and physically. I suppose it’s my meditation. I think I’ve been hardwired for that sort of thing and it doesn’t bother me at all that I’m talking to something that doesn’t exist. The procedure and results feel exactly the same as when I believed. I even use “thee” and “thou” LOL! Forgive my hypocrisy and blasphemy Bishop.
4. I let my kids sleep in bed with me. I know the conventional wisdom is that there’s something wrong with that, but I don’t care. They naturally choose not to at around the age of 10 or 11. Before that, they find it comforting and it doesn’t bother me in the least. For kids of divorced parents they are incredibly well-adjusted. I think this has helped.
5. I don’t hover over my kids like conventional wisdom tells me I should. I think the way parenting evolved into this idea that kids can’t walk home from school alone or they’ll be kidnapped and molested is damaging. It’s also statistically incorrect. Kids are more at danger in your car than walking home alone. I firmly believe my kids are better off now that their Mom works than if she were at home all the time. I’m sorry I don’t buy that the entire world is evil trying to get my kids.
6. I find gay Mormons who still believe and go to church baffling. They remind me of high school where the band geek tried to hang out and be accepted by the jocks on the football team. They don’t want you and you don’t fit in. Just because they let you be the waterboy doesn’t mean you’ve changed or achieved anything. Embrace your dorky band status…it’s cool…those band people actually grew up to be interesting adults. I’ve met more fascinating and accomplished gay men in the last 5 years than in the previous 20 attending priesthood meetings. Bishop, I’m sorry that my personal honesty trumps loyalty to the church.
7. I have an unhealthy love for my current colorful and varied collection of underwear. Some of you will get this right away. If you don’t, never mind. Bishop I apologize for not spending a millisecond missing my temple garments.
8. I sometimes default to the guilt-inducing martyr techniques of parenting that I grew up on. I’m sorry kids. As soon as, “It’s fine! I’m not going to force you to spend time with me” comes out of my mouth I regret it and I try to remember not to do it again. Bishop, I’ll let your religious legends be the only martyrs in my kids’ lives.
9. I have one or two “friends” I stalk on Facebook. You know, those people I’ve never actually met in person but through common interests or experiences one of us ended up “friending” the other. SO good looking and seemingly intelligent and witty … and straight. I’m sorry Bishop for lusting after my neighbor.
10. Guilty pleasure…I LOVE Bethenny Frankel. Smart, courageous, ambitious, funny, savvy. And speaking of lust, I could watch her husband Jason Hoppy all day… ahem. I’d be proud to have one of my daughters turn out like her. I’m sorry bishop for admiring a strong woman. I know I should value only her baby-making… but hey, she’s done that too…and all this other stuff. Imagine that!