Karma, the Bitch; and the New Rules of Communicating via Technology

Before you read any further… I haven’t spent a lot of time talking about my personal gay life on here. That’s mostly because it’s the part of my life I’m most comfortable with.  The angst in my life usually comes from other sources. But this is a gay-centric post, maybe even a shallow one.  You tell me. I’m just a regular guy trying to figure it all out.

Another post I’m currently planning discusses which is harder: coming out as gay or coming out as an apostate among Mormons. For me, leaving the religion has been harder by far, but occasionally I run into difficulty with my gay life.  This is one of those times.

I don’t understand where the practice of common courtesy went. Who just doesn’t reply to a text that includes a question and an invitation?

In my righteous indignation at not getting a reply to a certain text message, I realized I have been guilty of the same thing in a slightly different situation.

Have I just been bitch-slapped by karma?… not feeling so good. Even though I don’t really believe in the concept, I can’t help but wonder if I’m its victim.

There have been times in my life when this chicken-shit has avoided confrontation to the point of rudeness. I admit it, but I’ve always rationalized that it was deserving and therefore OK.  Tell me what you think.

Case in point… I met a guy online once with whom I “clicked” as well as one can via that particular medium. We spent time chatting online and even talking on the phone.  Even though we lived close to one another there wasn’t any urgency to meet. Then, I entered into a serious relationship with someone else and told the online  guy.  So, we stopped communicating. A year and a half later, that serious relationship took a serious nosedive and ended. Somehow the online guy and I reconnected and I pushed for a meeting. I actually hate talking on the phone so I wasn’t too into it if I couldn’t meet him.

Knowing full well that most people lie about their age and appearance online, it still surprises me when people have the balls to do it. When I met this guy, he was overweight and wearing a track suit. We were going to brunch – who wears a track suit the first time they meet someone on a date? There was zero attraction there on my part. Yes, because of the weight but even more so because of the lack of openness. I avoided confronting the guy about what I viewed as a deception. In fact, after that date I just wrote him off.  I didn’t respond to calls, e-mails or voice messages. And he did call a lot. I know he was far more into me than I was into him.

Obviously a more mature way to handle it would have been to say, “Listen, I am disappointed that you don’t look like your picture. I feel like you deceived me. I’ve enjoyed our chats, but I’m not attracted to you.”

But I didn’t.

Fast forward a couple of years and here I am. I met a guy in person and there was an obvious mutual attraction so we exchanged contact information. We met 3 times… a dinner, a breakfast and a dinner. This was in person, so I’m not sure how there could have been any deception on my part. In between dates there have been a couple of e-mails or texts, but not a lot of back and forth, mostly just to arrange the next date. The last time we met I invited him over to my place and it was incredible – for me at least. I thought for him too.

The next day I texted him the following (he only spends weekends here in town but lives a 2 hour drive from here during the week):

“Plans tomorrow? Before you leave can I buy you brunch?”

That was at 10 pm Saturday night. It’s 3 pm the next day and I’ve heard nothing back.

Who does that?

Would it be too hard to reply with a

“Sorry, can’t”


“Thanks but have plans”

or even

This isn’t going to work for me.  Have a good life.”

Isn’t that better than just nothing?

Was my non-communication with the online guy justified and this one unjustified as I tell myself?

And now, no kidding, as I typed that last sentence a text came in that said,

“Hey there. Sorry I got too busy with work. I am back in two weeks. :D”

Shouldn’t that have come in before the time of the suggested meeting? Is doing this sort of thing via text normal? I know he does work on the weekends, like me from home so it is a little flexible. Obviously I’m far more into this guy than he is into me. It’s a strange position to be in and one I’m not entirely comfortable with.

There was a time when I received lots of attention from females only for me to write them off pretty easily.  As a closeted gay man I had no interest. I’m sure it came off to these women as picky or arrogant and rude. My dating relationships with women were less about attraction obviously and more about which woman was going to help me appear more straight to the world.

I’m sorry to the women I used to date before I got married (but most especially I’m sorry to my ex-wife) and any guys I’ve done the same thing to as well. It doesn’t feel so good to like someone more than they are willing or capable of liking back. And the avoidance or lies to cover up that fact with niceties hurt more than the truth would.

Perhaps I really am being bitch-slapped by karma.

About dadsprimalscream

I am a divorced father of 4 children. I'm a post-Mormon. I am a gay man. This blog is my "primal scream" as watch my children faithfully indoctrinated with thought-terminating experiences and mind-lulling pressure... and how my rowboat of reason doesn't stand a chance against the religious and emotional battleship in their daily lives. How do you stand by and watch delusion take hold? Intervention seems to just push them farther into the hypnotic embrace of their mother religion.
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3 Responses to Karma, the Bitch; and the New Rules of Communicating via Technology

  1. Becky says:

    Interesting post. I enjoyed reading about your dating life because I feel like I talk about mine way too much and it is pretty f-ed up. LOL. I sometimes think that texts don’t get through or get through late. And I don’t check my texts that often. I’m assuming that happens to other people. I have a lot of people say, “I sent you that text,” and I’m like “What text?” I hate talking on the phone too. I’m with you on that.

  2. atheistdad says:

    There’s definitely a tendency for men in the gay community to just completely drop all communication rather than say, “Sorry, not into you.” It’s impolite, it’s antisocial, it’s dismissive and rude, but take it as a sign that those who choose to end contact in this way probably aren’t the kind of guy your looking for in the first place.

    • I think you’re right. But that’s hard to tell yourself when you’re in the midst of an infatuation where you are imagining the person to be something completely unreasonable anyway…Haha
      Yes, I’m definitely looking for better than that.

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