I’m confused.
Don’t all moms prepare their girls for the natural process of menstruation?
Do young girls in healthy relationships with their father normally inform him when she starts her first period?
I suppose most Dads are completely absent from the whole episode. Believe me, I haven’t attempted to be super involved in this particular event. But because of the way things have gone down over the last few years I’m a little peeved that my oldest daughter didn’t tell me a couple of months ago when it happened… and still hasn’t. Yet I’m even more shocked that my ex-wife apparently didn’t talk much about it with our little girl ahead of time.
I pride myself on being as open and present as possible in my kids lives. I’ve got an “ask anything” policy that they utilize quite often. I want them to feel free to question and to explore ideas without judgment. More often than not, in the past, this has meant them asking me about sex and other bodily functions.
Over the years the kids have asked me everything from body changes in puberty to various sex question (all pretty age appropriate). A couple of weeks ago my son called me up and asked, “Dad, can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever gotten a zit on your penis? ‘Cause I have one and it hurts and I am wondering if that’s normal.” Just this last weekend one of them had questions about hermaphrodites.
It’s all pretty random.
All along I’ve gotten the sense that these questions come to me because they don’t feel as safe in asking them to their mom, but I wasn’t sure. Oh, I know they do talk to their mom about other things. But if it is even remotely sexual or about their bodies they come to me.
About 4 years ago on a drive to Target my then 8 year old daughter started asking me about her impending menstruation. Yeah, totally out of the blue…with me – her gay, divorced father. So, I explained the biology of it as best I could and then we stopped at the “woman’s section” of Target and I showed her the various methods of dealing with it that we’d just discussed in the car. At the time I was actually quite proud of myself for the way I handled it. Since then she’s made small comments about the coming change.
The one question I couldn’t answer was what it felt like. I told her she’d have to ask her mom for an accurate reading on that one. And I lazily assumed she would. I don’t think she did. Her mom and I weren’t communicating too effectively ourselves at point (we still don’t, but it’s better) so I never relayed the expectation. I guess I also just assumed that years later when it actually happened my daughter would let me know.
This past weekend when I was staying with just the kids at their other house for the weekend, we were playing Sardines. When it was my turn, I decided to hide in my now 12 year old’s bed under the covers. It actually worked well as they all came in the room and didn’t see me the first time. But the point is that I noticed some blood on her sheets…more than from a pricked finger and less than something you’d panic about. So, I waited until we were alone later that night when I was tucking her in and I asked her…
OK, OK … so, as I typed that last sentence it kind of sounds weird and putting myself in a 12 year old girl’s shoes I probably would have frozen.
Like she did.
She just stared at me and didn’t say anything… the same exact reaction I get when I ask her about her schoolwork when I see her starting to get poor grades. She just completely shuts me out and pretends she doesn’t hear me. Unlike with the grade discussions, this time I just let it go.
A few days later I spoke on the phone with her mom and asked he if our baby had started her period.
“Yes, I’m surprised she hasn’t told you. It happened when…” (She tells me the whole story and I tell her she need to wash the kid’s sheets)
“She’s going to have to tell me when she comes to stay with me, isn’t she? Because I’m going to have to buy her stuff.”
“Yes. She will. I’m wondering about our 9 year old already, because she’s developing early in every other way”
“Well, have you talked to her about what to expect?”
“No. She’s in fourth grade and that’s when they have the special class in school.”
Cut to me shocked but silent on the phone.
Really? We’re leaving it up to the school?
Keep in mind that she and her family are big Tea Party fans who prefer limited government and personal responsibility, but we’re leaving personal hygiene and sex education to them nonetheless.
I’m so glad I at least had a talk with my girl even if it was a lame biological explanation.
Guess who is going to talk to his 9 year old next time we’re alone together.
Advice welcome.
Well, since you asked and I know for a fact no one ever talks about this sort of thing because it’s just fugly:
- Cramps happen because of uterine contractions that expel the uterine lining and other unsavory bits (like blood clots). She can help ease/speed up this process by resisting the natural instinct to stay in bed and instead moving around and being active. Though don’t pressure her to do this if she’s really not up to the challenge, sometimes moving is agony.
- Keeping warm can help ease mild cramps.
- Drinking fluids, especially water, helps ease cramps for some reason.
- Avoiding taking painkillers when cramps get really bad out of a misguided aversion to medication is just masochistic. When it starts to feel debilitation, she should take an ibruphen and cut short her misery.
- Cinnamon increases the menstrual flow and can cause a period to start a tad early if consumed close to the period’s due date.
- A girl’s period is rarely regular when she first starts out, so instead of depending on a calendar to decide when to pack pads she needs to be prepared as soon as her breasts start to feel sore each month.
- Other symptoms that she can expect with her period include lower back and leg pain (can be eased by keeping warm and by taking painkillers), nausea and vomiting (sipping on water and other light teas/juices can help with this), diarrhea (it’s important that she keeps warm and out of drafts), headaches, irritability and weakness.
I think that’s enough info. Good luck relaying all that! Wish my parents had been as proactive
Thanks! This is all good stuff
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I live in Utah where they just passed a bill to not have sex education in the school at all… Which I would be just fine with if parents would do the educating…
For your daughters:
Please, PLEASE explain to them they are not dirty. It’s not gross or disgusting or something that can’t be talked about… I’m 33 and still feel so much shame…
My biggest warning sign that I am about to start is hunger, which included weakness and dizziness. Eating more helps. (Which is sometimes hard for girls to do and be okay with.) As does keeping myself warm.