Who would have thunk it?… One of the most common searches that brings people to my blog is some variation on the words “masturbation” and “mormons.” Seriously. It happens almost every day and it is totally unintentional on my part. But I think I know why my blog ends up in those search results.
There’s a page under my “Rants” in the menu above that discusses masturbation from the perspective of an LDS physician. I found it on some former Mormon forum a long time ago and have long since lost the reference to give the credit due. I don’t even know for sure if it’s legit or just made up. It sounds legit though.
I expect that if the following discussion offends or makes folks uncomfortable they wouldn’t have clicked here or made it this far into the post, right? So, I’m not going to tiptoe around the topic…but this won’t be a vulgar description or anything like that, just a point of view.
Since I get so many visitors looking for this, I thought it was time that I add my own two cents on the topic… you’ve got to give the people what they want! And maybe I’ll get more traffic here as a result.
I believe that the current LDS teaching on masturbation is a violation of an individual’s personal boundaries. The LDS position is not scriptural and it’s not moral. It’s damaging to the young LDS boys and young LDS girls on whom the non-doctrinal teaching is imposed. It is abusive.
As a Boy
I was taught about masturbation by my Mormon bishop at the age of 11. He was interviewing me in his home office just prior to my 12th birthday to make sure that I was “worthy” to be ordained as a deacon in the church. Up to that point I’d never heard the word before and I’d never done it. So, when the bishop asked me if I masturbated and I replied that I didn’t know what that was, a VERY uncomfortable conversation ensued.
The bishop in essence taught me how to masturbate; that wasn’t his intention but that was the outcome.
At the time I was completely at the mercy of this HUGE authority figure in my life. Of course I didn’t question the appropriateness of this conversation because this was the Lord’s representative and could do no wrong. And within the context of Mormonism it was an entirely appropriate event.
That’s messed up.
As a father I find it completely inappropriate for an older man to even be asking a 12 year old boy about masturbation. Period. The Mormon church seems to be begging for a lawsuit by keeping this practice in place.
As a Dad
25 years later and my little girl, a toddler, was really enjoying her child car seat. That strap with the latch that goes between her legs was getting a lot of attention while the family drove around town. This really irritated my ex-wife. She freaked out every time she saw it. I was still a true blue believer at this point but I tried to get my ex-wife to calm down and stop bugging our little girl about it. Finally our pediatrician came to our rescue and told my wife that toddler masturbation was completely normal and that her freaking out about it was going to cause more damage than the act itself.
The overreacting stopped…in front of me at least. Funny thing is, though, the masturbating in the car also stopped soon after. I don’t know if it was a naturally tapering off, or if my ex-wife somehow managed to get my daughter to stop it covertly. I’m guessing the latter.
Clarification
I don’t know if we need a definition here, but I’m assuming that we can all agree what masturbation is…or can we? Is the line really that clear? A Mormon female I was once close to told me that a certain exercise routine would “accidentally” induce orgasm for her as a teen. Well then, if you repeat that very same exercise technique… and know that the pleasure is going to follow, that’s masturbation, right? (And then I’d also assume that you’d be more understanding of your own children when similar events occur years later, ahem.)
For a boy that sort of hands-off approach doesn’t work as well, but I know from experience that a young 14, 15, 16 year old boy doesn’t need a whole lot manual help to make it happen either. Just washing in the shower, for example can get results. But that only highlights how normal and natural it is.
Morality
In the Mormon world “morality” refers almost exclusively to sex. If you follow the LDS code for sexual behavior then you are living a “moral” life. My definition of morality is more comprehensive. In brief, my moral compass guides me to evaluate my life situations based on respect and “doing no harm to others”, or the old “treat others the way you want to be treated.” In no way does masturbation do harm to yourself or to anyone else. To the contrary, obsessing over it the way the Mormon religion does brings it to the forefront of a young person’s life and creates a guilt and a compulsion that is harmful and immoral.
My Plea
If you are a young boy or girl reading this post, or perhaps you are a young adult preoccupied with “sinful” thoughts that do or could lead to masturbation, or maybe you are just a concerned LDS parent trying to help your “addicted” child, please know that the LDS church is wrong on this one issue.
My father once related to me the adage, “95% of boys masturbate… and the other 5% are liars.” Unfortunately it was a dozen years too late to help me much. I actually managed to not masturbate from my 2 year LDS mission and all the way through my 10 year marriage. With a couple of slip ups in between, which I felt incredibly guilty and worthless about, I spent an unnecessary enormous amounts of energy on the Mormon obsession over masturbation. I’m no longer proud of abstaining. It’s like patting yourself of the back for a long run of not brushing your teeth.
Like anything, too much of a good thing can become obsessive. So, if it interferes with the person’s ability to have intimate relationships, function productively in life, or if there are inappropriate times and places where it occurs then it can become an immoral behavior because of how it affects others. But in and of itself there is nothing immoral or wrong about it. And those negative outcomes are anomalies of the behavior not givens or consequences.
There is an appropriate time (when alone), there is an appropriate place (in private) and the benefits for men and for women far outweigh any possible negative affects.
Trying to NOT do something normal and natural creates an obsession that is unhealthy. Mormons think about masturbation far more than the rest of the world who just do it and get on with their lives.
Update: Here’s another article that confirms my suspicions and another HERE
Other things I’ve posted on the topic:
Sexual Unhappiness is a Religiously Transmitted Disease
Just another thing to feel guilty about!
Funny thing, though, since I didn’t raise my son as Mormon after he hit puberty he doesn’t suffer from any of the guilt I feel about it. I opened his door one day without knocking and saw him “relaxing.” He looked at me and simply said, “now this is awkward.” I shut the door and said, “there is a reason for the lock on your door!” Other than that short exchange and a short follow-up where I said when he starts dating, condoms were to be his constant companion, we said no more about it. Done. Conversation over. He seems pretty healthy.
What a lucky guy! And so true that the guilt only happens because of the overreaction. Left alone, it happens and people just don’t think twice about it.
Here’s a great vid of an uncle having the talk with his pre-pubescent nephew… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWzOQTFwRBE (from Weeds)
The men are from mars book suggests avoiding the practice, as well, FWIW.
Cheers!
-r
First of all, thanks for dropping by and commenting. Come back often.
Secondly, I have to admit that I have not read the book, but Google has allowed me to research the author, John Gray, and the book. The conclusion I come to with that admittedly limited knowledge is that my point of view and Gray’s are completely compatible. Here’s an excerpt from the book:
“If you do not have a sexual partner and you want to be more in touch with your male side, then practice self-control and do not masturbate. This suggestion is not moral advice. Masturbation is innocent…A moderate amount of stimulation is, of course, fine.”
This advice from Gray is miles and miles from the draconian and moralistic condemnation dished out by the LDS faith as “self abuse” is considered part of “fornication” which is the “sin next to murder.” I also conceded in my post that there were times that anything can be overdone and masturbation is included. Personally, I think his assumption that masturbation is feminine is baseless and a bit crackpot but it was certainly more of a recommendation than a commandment.
Lastly, using pop culture books such as this to confirm or even to dismiss LDS teachings isn’t something that I would recommend. There is instead actual peer-reviewed research and scientific evidence that confirms what I wrote in the post above. By contrast, LDS teachings on this and other topics are based on archaic Victorian morals… or in other words the pop culture of another time. I think our youth deserve better.
Im a Mormon but i fully agree with this. The Church’s teaching on sex are from Cultureal teachings of the Church leaders Upbringing. Not from Revilation. I would Say that to the prophets face. My kids will not be tought that sexul thoughts are roung. Just have good judgment. They should also be tought about protection in case they make a choice not to wait befor marrige. I mean they are kids they will not always do what i would prefer.
Thanks for stopping by and providing your input. It’s nice to know there are folks like yourself who can think for themselves and put their children’s safety and protection first.
Very admirable.
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You described EXACTLY how I have felt these past few years. A lot (let’s be honest here: All) of what you have said seems quite reasonable, and makes a lot of sense. I had thought I was committing a horrible, horrible act, and at one point, I went through bouts of depression over it, in large part causing me to become inactive for several years. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Thanks for stopping by Michael and adding your comments. Not only are we not alone. I would wager that we are in the vast majority
Religion is truly ridiculous. Any prohibitions against consensual sex, let alone masturbation are absurd. In any event, how can any reasonable person place faith in a God who would allow BILLIONS of innocent people, including INFANTS to die of earthquakes and, screaming in agony as they die of diseases such as cancer, then leaving bereft families. And then the absurd dysfunctionality of New Testament rules: no pride, no willfulness, turn the other cheek, the meek shall inherit the earth, submit to God, God will provide. People who live those precepts are doomed the failure. Remember, the phrase “God helps those who helps themselves” is NOT in the Bible. It’s an aphorism created by the agnostic Benjamin Franklin.” Wake up or your religion will bury you.